Plow Hazard

I'm a terrible blogger!

2010-06-04T19:56:00.003-04:00

I guess I seem only to post when going through turmoil. Nonetheless, turmoil I have. Coursework for my masters is complete (yay), but my research and thesis aren't finished. I have until July 30th as the drop dead date in order to graduate in August. Though, I walked w/ the main university commencement this past Sunday. It wasn't as impactful as last year's, but I'm still glad I did it. Unfortunately, the day didn't go as I'd planned or expected. The man with whom I've spent the last 10 months of my life, the man who's brought me more joy than I even knew possible, the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with, ended our relationship just over a week before my graduation ceremony. The last two weeks for me, in ways, have been harder than when my ex-husband and I split up. How is that possible, you may wonder, when I was w/ my ex-husband for almost 14 years and only knew my boyfriend for just days under a year? Well, our relationship was as a relationship should be. He respected me and I him. We enjoyed every moment we had with each other and looked forward to it each day. My heart ached for him when we weren't together. I never thought to myself, ugh, he's so annoying. Yes, it was only a year, but the feelings never waned in that time. In fact, they only became stronger. So why did he end it? Well, as always, it's complicated. When isn't it, right? The short of it is that I can honestly say I'm not beating myself up about it. It is primarily his issues, but it doesn't change the fact that I love him and miss him dearly. We'd talked about getting married. I truly believe he and I belong together. Yes, through all this, some doubt and questioning have crept in, but reflecting upon all we've done together and said to each other and done for each other, I just can't believe this is happening. I just can't believe I found someone like him, when I wasn't expecting it at all, and that he loved me and treated me the way he did, and now, I'm having to grieve this kind of loss, again. When he came to talk to me, I had one second of fear that's what he was doing, but then I thought to myself, no, our relationship is too strong. Sooo, I'm doing my best to complete my research and thesis and look for a job and not end up living out of a box. Sorry to once again vent, but it is what it is. I hope anyone who still reads me is doing well!

Well, it's been quite a while ...

2010-01-02T15:07:00.005-05:00

okay, a really long while, as in almost a year, since I last posted. So much has changed in my life since I began this blog and since I last posted. I wouldn't at all be surprised if no one ever reads this, but that's okay. I think I'm doing this more for myself, if I'm completely honest.

A very quick update: I'm in grad school still at Cornell but am studying horticulture instead of landscape architecture. Long story of how that came about, but I'm enjoying it and my research, though I miss the design aspect of landscape architecture. I will be finished with my required coursework this May and should then finish my research thesis-like thing by August, at which time I'll officially graduate.

The Keeshond, Beatrix, I mentioned in my last post has been a part of my life for almost a year. I'm so glad she's in my life (even if she does drive me a little batty sometimes).

Weight-wise, I'm not thrilled with where I'm at, but I'm pretty much ok with it. I seem to be able to maintain the weight I'm at (which puts me at a size 12 in pants) pretty easily, and for that, I am thankful. I don't ever want to get to where I was before bypass. Ultimately, though, I'd like to lose about 15 pounds, and then I'd be very happy with my weight. But, thus far, I guess it hasn't been important enough for me to put forth the effort it would require. :P

Also since I last posted, I got the cherry blossom tattoo finished and got two others, one on top of my foot and the other on my upper arm. To put it mildly, I am addicted. Although, I only have one more planned, and it's going to be a small black and gray acorn. Yeah, I seriously doubt I ever get a tattoo which doesn't somehow involve plants. :D

Now for probably what's led me to post today. I'm in love. I've been dating a man for 5 months and have known him for 7 months. He's an absolutely wonderful man, so very sweet and kind to me. And, while it's certainly not everything, we share so many things in common in our lives. I love and look forward to every minute we spend together. He loves Beatrix, and she loves him. He's now met all of my family, and they all like him very much. And, he fits right in with them. Sounds great, right? Well, it is! But, I think I'm sabotaging myself and the relationship. When things aren't as I expect them to be based upon past experiences with him, I start doubting, start wondering if what he's saying is true. I have absolutely no reason to distrust him, and deep down, I do trust him. But, these old doubts and fears, created during the last few years of my marriage, are creeping into my thoughts, and while I'm trying very hard not to let them be known to him, I know it's affecting me and my behavior. I've talked with my therapist at length on this issue, and she's pretty much told me I'm just going to have to learn to be able to sit with the feelings of uneasiness, on my own, or else they're going to become destructive to the relationship. I can't placate myself by telling myself it's all going to be ok, because doing so isn't teaching me how to handle uncertainty in my life. I know she's right, and I'm trying very hard to do so. But, days like today, I get overwhelmed by it and panic, and then it just all goes downhill. My thoughts of fear fly all over. The logical part of me knows I have to just be calm about it, but the irrational side can't be. It's just so frustrating.

A couple of new additions ...

2009-02-04T11:57:00.006-05:00

I really like the ellipsis, don't I? I wonder how many of my blog post titles contain them? So, not surprisingly, school's already rather crazy. Essentially, I'm only taking 3 active classes. But, two of them, studio & site construction, are 5 credits each, so they take up a ton of time. I'm also taking an ecological management of water class, and then I have my "concentration" class which doesn't actually meet but just has the requirement of writing a paper to justify what my concentration is ... at least I think that's all I have to do for it. Oh, and I'm still not finished w/ the honors' thesis. :( I've spoken w/ my adviser, and he agrees it's best for me to keep up w/ this semester's work and plug away at it as I can.

Now, for the fun stuff! I got another tattoo. :D Yeah, I know I said I'd not be getting another one, but one day it just hit me that I wanted this in particular. It's a Japanese cherry blossom branch with Japanese Kanji that means new life. The Japanese cherry blossom traditionally represents the transience of life, so given my love of all things tree and the cherry blossom in particular, I thought it was all rather me. :) This pic was taken right before he bandaged it up, so it's a bit red and is darker than it will be. And, it's not finished; I have to go back later this month to get the color. But, I looooveeee it! It's exactly what I wanted! Amazingly, I had no issues w/ the blood pressure or sugar this time, so I actually sat for 2 hours 15 minutes w/out a break! I'm very proud of myself. This one's a pic I took myself and then edited in Photoshop. It shows the detail of what goes over my shoulder and onto the front. Yes, I think I may be addicted to ink. Oh, and would you believe HE's upset about it?! I don't know why, exactly. He just said he didn't want to talk about it when I asked if he'd seen it. I'm not going to worry about it, though. I did it for myself, I love it, and that's all that matters. :)

And, the second fun news is that I'm going to be adopting a rescue Keeshond! Her name is Beatrix, and she's 4 years old. Incredibly, she came from the same breeder as Koba, just many years later. Sadly, she tore a ligament in her back right knee on the day I was supposed to pick her up (outside NYC), so I don't have her yet. But, things are looking good for this weekend! yay! I'll post a pic of her once I bring her home.

I am utterly horrible at making blog posts these days ...

2009-01-19T19:40:00.002-05:00

and it seems finishing my honors thesis as well as picking men with which to have fun. Overall, I'd say I had a relatively good winter break. I had a great time with my sister and her family, my parents, my brother and his family, and my grandfather over Christmas and New Years. My nieces got a Wii for Christmas, so many a days and nights were spent playing w/ it. I seemed to be quite good at the games which used the balance board, but by far, the snowboarding was my favorite.

New Year's Eve was a bit too eventful for my taste. I went to a friend's party and stupidly began drinking at 7pm. I'd say by 11:30pm I was completely gone. I have little to no recollection of midnight through 3am. Then, the hangover the next day was unbelievable! I've never felt so badly after drinking! The 25 year old guy I mentioned in my previous post was there, and apparently, I kissed him at midnight. Yeah, no recollection of it. Since that time, I've seen him one other time, and while I thought things had gone pretty well, it seems they've somehow changed, and now, despite telling him from the beginning that I had no desire for a long-term, serious relationship, he now tells me he's only interested in being friends. A guy that's not interested in just having fun? Really?!

And, the 38 year old guy, while still interesting, just isn't emotionally available. He's totally dedicated to his boys (he has 2 from his previous marriage) for which I thoroughly admire him, but that plus what I see as still some difficulty with how his ex-wife left him makes me believe he can't handle a romantic relationship with anyone.

Were either of these relationships something I thought had the possibility of turning into something serious? Not really. But, I was definitely enjoying the contact, the attention, and in the 25 year old's case, the affection. And, now, to basically lose those things from both, it's just hard. It makes me even lonelier. It's really not about missing my ex anymore; it's about missing the companionship, the affection, the feeling that comes with knowing someone desires you.

Thankfully, along with school starting back up (today was the first day back), I think I've found another way to help make me a little less lonely. I will be adopting a rescue Keeshond. It's all happened very quickly, but I know it's right. I've been looking for a rescue Keeshond since early last semester, and just last week, one came available. Her name is Beatrix, and she's 3 1/2 years old. I'll likely be picking her up this coming Sunday, and if we mesh (which I'm sure we will), I'll be bringing her home with me. I can't wait!

Oh, so the honors thesis. Well, I'd been given some extra time to finish it because of taking two studios last semester, so I was supposed to have it finished by the end of winter break. I'd been working on it throughout last semester, but winter break has come and gone. And, I hardly completed anything more over break. I just couldn't get myself to work on it. So, I've gotten an extension ... of one week. So, yeah, I should be working on it right now instead of posting to my blog. I'll say that I'll try to be better about posting throughout the semester, but I won't lie and say that I absolutely will post more b/c, as my track record shows, it's unlikely. I hope all are well! :)

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday!

2008-12-22T21:40:00.002-05:00

I hope all who still read my blog enjoy whichever holiday you celebrate however you choose to do so! Hah, how's that for vagueness?! Seriously, though, the past almost 7 months have shown me how important it is to surround yourself w/ those whom you care for the most, and I so thoroughly look forward to spending time w/ my family, including my sister and her family, this year. I still amaze myself at how well I'm doing. I'm even kind of chatting up two different guys, one who's 38 and the other 25, at the same time! Whee! I'm so not ready for a serious relationship w/ anyone, and I've told them both this. So, I figure, why not?! Oh, and despite all the drama, I still did quite well this semester: 1 A+, 3 As, and 1 B. It's my first below 4.0 semester which, I know, I shouldn't be complaining about. And, I'm not really; I just wish I could have been able to maintain my 4.0+ cumulative GPA. Enjoy yourselves!

It's finally complete!

2008-12-06T22:55:00.003-05:00

I got my tattoo finished today ... yay! I sooo love it! It's exactly what I wanted. Classes for this semester are officially over, but I've got 2 final presentations for my 2 studios and a huge take home final to do in the next week and a half. Torture, but I'm still loving it!

Emotionally, I'm doing much better. I think I've actually begun to accept it all and am moving on. I've legally changed my last name already so that I can have it on my diploma. And, I've reconnected w/ a high school classmate (that I had a huge crush on) and am just enjoying the conversation with him. And, it doesn't hurt that he's still really hot. ;) My sister and her family are planning to come up here for Christmas, so that will make getting through the holiday much easier. And, I'm actually looking forward to it now whereas previously I was dreading it. I didn't know I had all this in me, but I'm really proud of myself. :)

a new addition

2008-10-19T19:36:00.005-04:00

For the majority of my life, I've striven to be a bit on the unique side. When I was in elementary school, I started wearing ribbons in my hair, and when others started doing so, I stopped. I've always liked unique patterns and colors in my clothing, and for the past 2 years or so, I've tried to have a somewhat edgy haircut and highlights. And, lately, I've been looking for another way to express my individuality. So, what you see is the result. Yep, I got a tattoo on the underside of my wrist. :) My original plan was to get a light henna-colored tattoo to cover the three scars on top of my wrist from surgery, and this pic shows the stencil for that design. When he first began it, I didn't feel much pain, but as he progressed, it got a bit worse; although, I'd describe the feeling as something sharp being scratched across my wrist for the most part. At times, it would get a little worse, but it was by far no the worst pain I've felt in my life. Unfortunately, when I looked at what he had done (b/c I didn't watch while he was doing it), my blood pressure and sugar plummeted. I got incredibly light-headed, sweaty, and irrational. I think that when I saw the color and it was a bit darker than I was expecting, I got scared about having it on top of my wrist for the rest of my life. Or maybe the nervousness just built up and finally released when I actually saw it. I don't know. So, after recovering, I decided to listen to my body and not proceed. But now that I've had time to think about it, I'm reconsidering. I'm now trying to decide between adding a 3rd leaf to the top right line, finishing off the bottom right line w/ a small spiral w/ a small unfurling leaf at the end, and dots around the left-most swirl OR having just the left side of the original design done on top of my wrist to cover the scars and adding some dots above the left swirl. Any opinions?

What once was ...

2008-10-08T20:42:00.006-04:00

I know I shouldn't be dwelling on the past, but I can't seem to help myself. Tomorrow's the 9th anniversary of our "big" wedding. And, that's what this pic is from. We both look really happy here. In looking for this pic, I looked at a bunch more that I shouldn't have. It makes me so sad to think of those times. Instead of being able to remember the happy times, it just reminds me of what I no longer have. How do I just forget these days? How do I get through my birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas w/out sadness? I just don't know.

I applied to graduate yesterday which temporarily made me very happy. I can't believe I'm already half way through this semester, and then there's only next semester left. But then I found out I can't just ask them to put my maiden name on my diploma. I have to have legally changed my name in order to get the university to change it all prior to them ordering diplomas in February in order to not have my married name on my diploma. And, even if I get my name changed in say, a year, I can't go back to the university and ask them to re-print my diploma w/ my maiden name b/c they'll only print it w/ what my name was while I was a student. So that leaves me w/ only one choice if I want my maiden name on it; I have to change it now which opens up a whole new can of worms. I then have to change my name on a million things not to mention the mental and emotional impact of it. Yes, life could be worse; I do understand this. But, I sincerely hope it doesn't get worse for me.

I continue on to the best of my ability

2008-09-28T20:04:00.002-04:00

I'm a month into the semester, and things are going ok. I keep saying that, "I'm ok" b/c I can't lie and say I'm doing well when people ask. For the most part, I am ok. Well, now that I'm on meds. I totally lost it a few weeks ago when I found out he's already dating someone and that he had been for a few weeks by the time I confronted him w/ my suspicions. My thoughts were so out of control I was having panic attacks. I was doing things I normally wouldn't b/c I had no control over my thoughts. So, the meds have helped me be more even, more logical, more under control. But, then there are still days, like today, where I'm depressed, I'm sad, and I don't accomplish anything despite needing to do work which makes me feel even worse about myself. I'm doing my best to move on; I really am. I'm still in therapy every week, and I really am trying not to hold on to what's no longer there. I may still love him, but he doesn't love me anymore. I have fantastic friends who have been really, incredibly supportive, but I'm always afraid of being too dependent on any of them. I don't want to overburden any of them w/ my pain. I know, I know, that's what friends should be there for, but I can't lose them too. I can't handle that. It's hard enough trying to do all that I need to do, but I'm trying. I'm really trying.

Just no good at this single thing

2008-08-25T00:36:00.002-04:00

So there's this guy that I think is maybe trying to ask me out, but I could be wrong. Maybe he's just being nice by trying to get me out of my apartment, I dunno. But, honestly, other than the fact that I'm lonely and am craving affection, I'm not interested in him. I want my husband's affection not someone else's. ARgh.

It radiates

2008-08-13T23:28:00.002-04:00

I don't know that I've ever heard anyone describe what emotional pain feels like. So does that mean it's different for everyone? I really wonder. For me, when it's at its most acute, it's this sensation that radiates outward from my heart ... yes, my heart. So, is that my brain creating the feeling there b/c I've heard so many times that our hearts are where we feel things? Or is it something else? I really don't know. What I do know is that this hurts, like nothing I've ever felt before and something I hope to never feel again. People keep telling me I'm strong, that I'll get through this. Dammit, I don't want to get through this; I want this pain to be over. No, I'm not suggesting I'm going to do something to end the pain; I just want to move beyond the pain. But, nothing I seem to be doing is moving me toward it. I just keep on missing him. There it goes again ...

In print

2008-08-13T13:22:00.002-04:00

I finally met with my lawyer today (long story), and as soon as I saw it in black and white, I broke down. She'd prepared a draft of the separation agreement (which I hadn't expected), so we ended up discussing the details of it and what she needed from me in order to get it to a point at which I could present it to him. On a daily basis, yes, I know this is happening, but when I saw it on paper, in legal form, it just really hit me in the face, this is really happening. She expects we'll be able to get the separation agreement signed and filed by the end of this month (pending any objections from him), so then, a year from that time, we could file for divorce. Me, divorced, yeah, still doesn't work for me. Ugh.

Moving on

2008-08-02T18:50:00.002-04:00

Well, it's happened; I've moved out of our apartment. Unfortunately, I'm having a difficult time really letting go. He's out of town this weekend, so I'm planning to spend the next two nights at the old place. While I really like the new apartment, it seems weird to me. It's not home. And, the new bed's really going to be strange. It's one of the memory foam beds, and I'm really happy about that. But, it's not my bed, our bed ... you know, the one that has my body's impression molded into it, the one that I've shared with him for 10 years and never thought that would change. Oh, gosh, this is so hard.

The sadness that is losing your best friend

2008-07-23T23:52:00.003-04:00

I still don't believe it. This can't really be happening, can it? How can someone who's been my best friend for so long decide to leave me? Every time I see him it hurts and it's especially difficult b/c it doesn't seem to be bothering him ... at least on the surface. We spent 8 hours together going through storage, and not once did he break down, look upset, show any emotion. I, on the other hand, basically yelled at him, cried, and so thoroughly wanted to touch him, to be touched by him. Do you know the scene in Steel Magnolias after Shelby's funeral when Sally Field screams, "Why! I just want to know WHY!!!"? Well, that's me.

I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm bored ...

2008-07-15T20:35:00.003-04:00

and my eating's out of control. I'm constantly thinking about what I can eat next. Damnit! I'm not going there again! And, I'm having such difficulty motivating myself to work. I make it to meetings and everything, but when it comes to work I'm supposed to be doing on my own, at home, it takes me forever to get around to doing it. ARgh.

Rain in my heart

2008-07-13T14:32:00.004-04:00

It's been raining off and on today, both outside and in. I've not been able to get myself to do anything but lay around and watch TV. I know it's a combination of things; a lack of sunlight always brings me down, and despite having a list of things I could do, I don't really have anything scheduled. So, why do them? And, I know he's off in NYC having a fantastic time and is probably spending time with this woman he insists is only a friend. Friend or not, I should be there with him; NOT HER! I just don't understand how he can throw away 13 years. Am I hurt by what he's doing, angry at him for thinking he can just erase me from his life, hell yes! But, it doesn't change the fact that I love him and still want to be with him.

This next week is going to be difficult. I've found an apartment, for which I am happy b/c it means I won't be living on the street, but I'm certainly not happy about having to do it. And, once I sign that year-long lease, there's no going back. Then, next Saturday we've planned to spend the whole day going through our very large storage unit of stuff together to separate our things. Everything I do lately just seems to be cementing the fact that we're no longer together, but every time I do talk to him, it just makes me understand why this is happening less and less. We get along w/ each other quite well, we have fun talking to each other, and I'm still very attracted to him. Not that I wish things to be otherwise b/c it would make trying to work out an agreement very difficult. But, I just don't understand.

I dreamt this morning that we were talking, and he told me he was having second thoughts. And, then we ended up having sex. Ok, I'll say it; why me? I'm a good person. No, I'm not perfect, but I've cared deeply for him for almost as long as I've known him. Oh, how I wish it would stop raining.

The (long) road forward

2008-07-07T20:12:00.003-04:00

Do I know for sure it's going to take a long time? No, but I think it's likely. My therapist and others tell me I'm doing very well. I've been working as much as I can, and I'm searching for an apartment and have been trying to figure out what I can do to help myself financially. It's just all taking a lot longer than I'd like, of course. So, that's all logistical stuff. Emotionally, I have my moments. If I keep myself busy, either with work, various tasks, or with friends, I do ok. It's those times when I'm not busy or when I have time to think of what I'm missing that are hard. The first time I realized I'd never kiss him again, never feel his touch again, the pain of loss really hit me full-on. It just feels so wrong to me, but I know I can't change it. And, then there are times like early this morning when I could have sworn he touched my arm to wake me, just as he had so many times before. Only when I woke up, I was the only one in the room. I guess I dreamt it, but it felt so real. Day to day, I think the hardest part is when things happen that reinforce he's no longer a part of my life, that he won't be a part of my life anymore. I miss him, his laugh, his companionship, being able to talk with him about things, daily things, goals, dreams. Yes, I have friends I can talk to, but it's not the same ...

Thank you to Jill, Amanda, and Jessica for your comments, thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming. :) There's still so much to be worked out in order for me to move forward.

And so it goes ...

2008-06-26T14:52:00.002-04:00

My marriage is over. It pains me to type that, but I have to. I am choosing to move on because I know I have so much left for me in my life. He moved out this past Saturday. I came home from work to find him and all of his things gone ... again. No, it wasn't as much of a shock as the last time he left, but it was a considerable shock nonetheless. So much so that my parents drove an hour here and hour back to pick me up and take me to their house because I couldn't be alone and I couldn't drive myself. Yes, we'd been having problems, no things weren't perfect, but I didn't think, I still don't think, it meant we shouldn't be together. But, my husband thinks differently, and so he's gone.

So, now I'm looking for a new apartment, am working with a lawyer and a therapist, am trying to figure out the best way to stay in school, and am trying to continue working for a local waterfront trail group all while trying to deal with this deep pain. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I need all the help I can get.

Why is it ... ?

2008-05-09T15:49:00.005-04:00

that when you finally get some parts of life in order others fall apart? You wouldn't know it from the above pic, huh? This was taken at a end of the semester party at a professor's house with some of my favorite classmates. They really do make me happy.

I'm just about to wrap up my 2nd semester back in school, and I've absolutely loved it. It's not been an easy road, but loving the work and having fantastic classmates have made it much easier than it would have been otherwise. It's difficult for me to believe I'm now half way through, though. This year has completely flown by. And, it's scary to think about the prospect of finding a job in this economy when, despite my best efforts, I've been unable to secure an internship in the field for this summer.

Unfortunately, with success seems to have come some lack of success too. Things have gotten worse between my husband and me. In my efforts to focus on school, I've let most other things go, and while school is very important, it's not the only thing in my life. And I know I need to be able to balance, even if not entirely evenly, all aspects of my life. I don't fear losing him in the same way I did before because I know I can do things on my own. But, I don't want to see our marriage fall apart nonetheless. We have so much together, he's such a big part of my life, and my life just wouldn't be the same without him.

Yeah, I'm still here ... for the most part.

2008-02-21T20:16:00.002-05:00

As if anyone's still out there reading b/c it's been soooo damned long since I've posted, but anyhoo, w/out writing a book, I'll try to update ya'll. Last semester did end up being a really good one, academically that is, a 4.08. And, over winter break, I went to Hawai'i w/ my husband which was just phenomenal. Since getting back, it's just been non-stop. I'm taking six classes (as opposed to just 4 last semester), and things don't seem to be going quite as well as they did last semester. Not horrible, mind you, but not up to my standards.

One thing I didn't do so well last semester (ok, I did horribly actually) was manage my money, and the result of that is my husband not being too happy with me. And, I totally don't blame him. He's doing so much for me by paying for my living expenses while I'm in school, and I was disrespectful to him by not doing my best to save as much as I could, or rather, not spend so much. I basically lived as though I was still working full time, so by the end of November, I had just about nothing left. I hate money.

Weight wise, I'm still at about the same weight, and I'm still not exercising regularly. I am walking all over the place, but it's not the same. I'm trying to do better by not buying anything sweet b/c that seemed to be a weakness. I'd figured out what my sugar limit was and would wait just enough time and then eat more. Not good! Although, I do still find myself craving sweet stuff at night. Grrr.

That's about it for now. I've got to finish a site engineering project. And, I'll try not to wait almost 3 months before posting again. ;)

Hey, ya'll

2007-12-07T10:32:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I'm still alive; I've just been incredibly, incredibly busy. But, save one project, my first semester back is complete. The semester has gone quite well. I don't know for sure (as there's still a good number of projects/exams out there yet to be graded), but I think there's a good chance I'll have a 4.0 this semester. And, for one of my classes we had a design competition for a courtyard on campus, and out of the 45 students in the class, my design got the most votes! And, while it doesn't necessarily mean that my design will be used as the top 5 designs are being presented to the committee overseeing the project; the dean of the College, the director of the library, the professors, etc.; and one of the designs will be chosen to be built by the class next semester. Although I've heard that what they may do is take portions of each of the top designs and implement them instead of just one total design. Either way, if any of my design is built it would be so awesome! It's one thing to have your designs in your portfolio, but it's quite another to have a built design in your portfolio. And, I'm going to be working on getting an internship for next summer this spring, so ... anyways, it'd be awesome.

Weight wise I'm doing ok, not really good mind you, but ok. I found myself mindlessly munching a bit too much while either studying or working on my studio projects. And, despite attempts at reviving it, exercising still isn't a regular thing. I really, really have to get back to it though. I've gained about 10 pounds since my lowest weight last October. Horrible, no. My surgeon is actually happier w/ me at this weight, but I'm not. And, I think exercising regularly again will help the problem areas I'm not happy with.

I hope you all are doing well and that you have a wonderful Chanukah or Christmas and New Year!

Woah

2007-09-22T13:13:00.000-04:00

Well, yesterday was my first final critique in Landscape Architecture. It went relatively well; although, I knew there were some problems with my board (the thing that contains all of your design elements for review) going into it, and they were the things that were pointed out. But, I also had some good things too. So, overall, I'm pleased. I've also been doing very well on all of my quizzes and projects, so I've been pleased with that too. It's been a ton of work; I was at the studio until 2:15am Friday morning and ended up only getting 3 1/2 hours of sleep. But, I'm totally loving it. Below is my first board minus personal information. I'll continue working on it to complete the things I just didn't have enough time for (like adding more color), but I hope you'll like it anyway!

One down, fifteen to go ...

2007-08-31T17:48:00.000-04:00

this semester! The first week went well; I had two papers due and one quiz this week, a project and another quiz next week and then another quiz and my first studio design project due the following week. It's hectic to say the least! But, I'm totally loving it! Below is my space in the studio and my faboo MacBook Pro.

Update

2007-08-23T18:20:00.000-04:00

So, here's my overdue update on my previous post. I was, thankfully, able to work out paying for school (albeit with loans), so the whole getting fired thing didn't really end up mattering that much ... save my pride. Speaking of, I sucked it up and worked through the 15th of August as they offered to then pay me through the 31st of August if I stayed and trained the new person. And, while I really wanted to tell them to eff off, I couldn't turn down the money.

Today was the first day of classes, and if I were to describe in two words how I feel, they'd be exhausted and overwhelmed. I had class basically straight through from 11:15am this morning until 4:45pm this afternoon, and that was only two classes! And, despite taking a class last spring and over the summer while working full-time, it's still such a big change going from working full-time to now being a full-time student with a bunch of much younger students. I'm still excited about it all, but I'm also scared. And, I know it's just going to take time to adjust to it all; I just have to not wallow in the stress of it and stay on top of everything. Heh, much easier said than done, right? So, as I'm sure you can all imagine, I'm not going to have a ton of free time, and what I will have I'm going to try to spend with my husband. So, I expect my posts to be few and far between, but I'll still try!

Things just have to start getting better!

2007-07-30T20:09:00.000-04:00

I can't take much more of so much going wrong at once. It's a long, long story, but I was basically fired today, and it's mostly my fault for opening my mouth months ago by telling my direct supervisor I was applying to school. And, now, I'm not so sure I can go to school b/c financial aid isn't giving me much aid. So, I owe $10K for just one year, and that's just half of the year's total for just tuition! Oh, and I ripped off a quarter of my toenail by hitting it with a door. Just NOT my day! Please, please could someone send some good mojo my way?! PLEASE!!!

No more Avandia!

2007-07-11T21:29:00.000-04:00

I saw my PCOS specialist last week, and guess what?! She's taken me off my Avandia! I've only been taking 2mg/day for the past year or so, but the last time I saw her, she said I'd likely have to take the Avandia forever b/c I wasn't willing to take a glucose tolerance test. But, when I saw her this time, she said she was ready to take me off. I, of course, have to do blood draws at regular intervals to check my glucose levels, but as long as they remain in the normal range, I'm off it! Woo-hoo!

On an unfortunate note, the class I'd registered for this summer which would have applied to my program was canceled at the last minute, literally. So, I scrambled to find something else that might apply. So, I'm taking Electronic Media in Art. Not totally sure it's going to work, but for the most part, I'm enjoying it. (I had kind of a difficult time with the first critique.) See my work at Flickr.

Two and one

2007-06-20T14:45:00.000-04:00

Two years since gastric bypass and one year since my sweet Koba died. It's still difficult for me to fathom either. Although, both are certainly easier than they were originally. The memories of actually going through surgery are so distant, but I don't want to forget it. I hope it can serve as a reminder of what I went through to get to where I am now. I strangely wasn't too scared at the time (well, until I was about to be wheeled into surgery), but any thoughts of going through that serious of a surgery again scares me to death! Just the minor wrist surgery I had last fall put quite a scare into me.

We watched videos of Koba last night, the anniversary of his death, and when I saw myself I almost couldn't believe it. Who in the heck was that person? Was I really that big? I didn't bring it up with my husband, but there was a scene in the video where I was taking video of our house. I walked up a short flight of steps (maybe 8) and could hear myself breathing more heavily after just those few steps. I can't even imagine how I lived that way! I missed out on so much that I just couldn't physically do so I wouldn't even consider it. Just this past weekend, we walked about a mile to our local farmer's market, then walked about 2 miles to a downtown restaurant, and then walked home stopping at a creek along the way. Two years ago, walking would have been out of the question! Admittedly, I'm not in as good as shape as I was a year ago as I haven't been exercising as regularly as I had been (although I do want to get there again), but I'm still significantly better off than I'd been in years. It's just been such a gift.

I have decided, though, that I'll likely not mark the anniversary of my surgery again as I don't want to dwell on the past. I want to continue moving forward. I'll certainly never forget how I got here, but I think it could be a mistake, for me, to dwell too much in the past. I'll try to post here on a somewhat regular basis, but once I start school, who knows! I'm soooo looking forward to it, though!

I GOT IN!!!!

2007-05-18T13:41:00.000-04:00

The title says it all! I finally learned today that I have been accepted into the Landscape Architecture program for the Fall! Woo-hoo! I can't tell you how happy I am about this news and what a huge relief it is to finally know. Now, I just have to get the financial details worked out ... fun!

To Grandma With Love

2007-05-18T13:28:00.001-04:00

Grandma and Grandma & Mom
My grandmother was laid to rest this past Wednesday at a cemetery near her home. And, despite the absence of a close relationship with her, it was a very difficult day for me, but I was so glad I was able to go. It allowed me time to catch up with my uncle (whom I hadn't seen since I was about 15 or so) and my Grandfather as well as meet 2 of my grandmother's brothers and others who had been a part of her life for many years. She truly was suffering in the end, and knowing that she is now in a better place makes the loss easier. I do wish I'd been able to spend more time with them, both in my childhood and more recently. But, it is how it is, and I am grateful for what time we did have and the memories.

Her suffering has ended

2007-05-12T18:31:00.000-04:00

My grandmother passed away Thursday, May 10th at approximately 10:30pm after a lengthy battle with ovarian cancer. Her last days (at least as I understand them) were filled with suffering, so this truly is for the better. But, this still makes me sad and brings back memories of losing my sweet Koba. Thankfully, my husband's given me his air miles so that I can go to her funeral on Wednesday. I will miss her, but I'm glad she will suffer no more.

I'm struggling in a lot of ways

2007-05-10T19:56:00.000-04:00

I'm having a really difficult time with the fact that I still don't know whether or not I've gotten into my desired program. It's a much longer story, but I should know by now and don't. And, it's driving me crazy. Top that off with the facts that my grandmother's likely going to die any day now and someone who I thought was a really good friend has totally cut me off, I'm just really struggling. Work's not so good either; I made the mistake of telling my direct supervisor that I was hoping to go back to school. And, despite asking him not to tell anyone else, he did, our director, and she was all prepared to post my job even though I hadn't submitted my resignation. I'm so thankful I have my husband here to support me, but he's been really busy with work. And, last year taught me that I shouldn't fully depend upon him. I need to find strength within myself to get me through struggles too. Oh, and I'm finding myself dealing with stress by eating, and I'm really unhappy with that. I know just how much sugar I can ingest w/out getting sick, and I do. And, I'm still not exercising regularly. I keep telling myself I'll start again when ... but I never do. I've gained some weight back, not a lot, but it's enough that some of my clothes I was so happy about buying are a bit too snug to wear comfortably. And, that, too, makes me unhappy. I know the key is exercising and getting the snacking under control, but the stress doesn't make that too easy. I must do better, and I sure hope some of these stressors resolve themselves soon.

What a fabulous day!

2007-04-30T09:48:00.000-04:00

Lounging in the park
Yesterday turned out to be one of the best spring days thus far! It started out gloomily enough but then turned into a gloriously sunny, slightly breezy meant to be enjoyed outside day! So, after enjoying our bi-weekly dim sum tradition, we decided to pick up a loaf of bread and head out to a local park to feed the fishies, duckies and anything else that happened our way. To our surprise, there weren't any ducks in the pond when we arrived, so the fishies reaped the benefits. It was so cool watching them swarm after the bread crumbs. And, eventually, one lone Mallard flew in, ate a few small pieces of bread and took off. And, we even got a few other small birds to take some bread. We said hi to a few doggies and walked around a bit but then both decided we'd better get back home to get to work (I needed to review for my final which is on Tuesday and my husband had major work on a website revision that's being launched today), but on our way out of the park, we both decided we just needed more time outside. So, remembering the blanket we keep in the trunk for just such occasions, we turned around and found a nice spot at the top of a hill overlooking the park. And, there we laid for about an hour just soaking in the sun. Oh, how glorious! We limited ourselves to just that hour, but we were both glad we did. I only hope for more days like that one.

Playing in the sculpture garden

The New Me

2007-04-23T18:39:00.000-04:00

I'm not entirely used to it yet, but the cut is exactly what I wanted, edgy and different. And, one benefit I never even considered, there's no hair to get all stuck to the back of my neck when I get sweaty (like I did yesterday while taking a 3 mile hike in and around one of our many gorges)! It's a beautiful thing! Let me know what you think, k? I personally think it's different enough that it would be kind of hard not to notice, but not one person said a thing to me today, other than my two friends who both knew I was doing it. It's not hideous is it? I know it shouldn't matter what other people think; it should only matter if I like it. But, you know how it goes ...

I suck, I know!

2007-04-09T19:33:00.000-04:00

It's been way, way too long since I last posted, and I didn't follow through on my promise to post pics of my portfolio. I'm procrastinating right now, stupid financial aid applications, and sitting at the right computer (where these are all saved and I have Photoshop). :P So, here's the promised portfolio pics. They asked for examples of design aptitude; whether it be in garden design, art, photography, graphic design, etc.; so what I'm showing here are a few pages (of the 12 total) that show my breadth. Well, not my breadth but you know what I mean. I've still not heard if I've gotten in or not yet. I'm hoping to hear within the next month, though. Keep your fingers crossed for me! Oh, and I'm probably going to get my hair cut off/differently in a couple of weeks, so if I do and I like it, I'll post new pics of me!

It's complete

2007-02-28T19:18:00.000-05:00

Well, the application process at least. I'll try to post one of the pages from my portfolio sometime to show you an example of what I created. I am exhausted. Not only have I been working on my application and portfolio, but I'm also taking a Landscape Architecture class which has been requiring a lot of time. And, of course, I'm still working full time. But, it's all worth it because it will get me where I want and need to be. I can't wait to get started; although, I guess I need to wait to find out if I get in before getting too excited. :) I hope all's well with you all. I'm going to try to do some catching up. Thanks for sticking around those of you that are still reading. :)

No, I haven't gone missing ... yet

2007-01-21T21:56:00.000-05:00

I'm in the midst of applying to grad school right now and will be for the next three weeks or so. The program, Master of Landscape Architecture, requires a portfolio, and that's what's taking up most of my time. Although, I still have a statement of purpose to write. So, what I'm trying to say is, you're not going to be seeing much of me, either here or on visits to your blogs for a while. And, even after the application deadline, I'll probably need time to recover. Thankfully, my sweet husband gave me an IOU for my choice of treatment at a spa. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I say it again, it's great, to be, a Florida Gator!

2007-01-09T18:14:00.000-05:00

In a stunning, thrilling, fantastic upset of the former #1 Ohio State Buckeyes, my University of Florida Gators capped off an impressive season with a win in the BCS Championship! Florida is now the first university to hold both the NCAA football and basketball national championships at the same time. Amazing! Congratulations to the Gators!!!

He's now a master!

2006-12-22T15:03:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday, my husband took part in Cornell University's January graduate recognition ceremony, and this week he found out that he got at least an A on his final project for his Master of Engineering in Computer Science thus graduating with a cum laude distinction (if they awarded such distinction to graduate students). I'm very proud of him; he completed this achievement all while working full-time. And, by doing it through the employee degree program, it was all free. Just amazing! I'm so proud of you, honey!

Parrrrtaaaayyy

2006-12-20T21:24:00.000-05:00

My husband and I hosted a small dinner party this past Monday night for 7 friends. I made a ham, scalloped potatoes and some brownies, and friends made pasta with fresh pesto and ginger glazed baby carrots. It was a very successful party! This picture was taken before everyone arrived, but I did manage to make it through the night without getting anything on myself. Yippie!

Work's been rather stressful lately because instead of my normal job I've been working on redesigning our department's website, and I'm getting significant push-back from our web team. If I make it through this process I guess I'll be a stronger person, but I may be insane too!

Well, I made it ...

2006-12-11T11:40:00.000-05:00

though the last year and truly am better off having gone through it, with just one exception, losing Koba. I'm sure most people do these types of posts around the New Year, but given that we'll be at Disney on New Year's (woo-hoo!), I figured I'd do it now. Oh, and let me say this now before I forget: seriously, thank you all for continuing to check and read my blog. I've been significantly lax at posting lately, so I really appreciate those of you who've stuck around and have continued checking in on me!

The last year has been filled with a significant number of changes. My husband and I reconciled our marriage (and are continuing to work on it), we lost our sweet Koba, I reached my goal-weight, I made the decision to go back to school for Landscape Architecture (and am working toward that goal regularly, now) and we moved into a new apartment. With the exception of moving (which really has been positive on many fronts), these changes have all been pretty significant, and I feel I've handled them quite well. So, while I'm hoping this next year isn't quite as dramatic, I look forward to the new challenges and changes and hope that you all will continue to check in with me (as I do with you) every once in a while. Have a very happy Christmas and a fantastic New Year!

I (finally) did it

2006-11-18T18:03:00.000-05:00

The elliptical, that is. After a 5 month hiatus, I finally got my butt on the elliptical again this morning. The last time I'd done it was right before Koba died, and I think there was some sort of a mental block involved in not doing it. And, I used the fact that the warmer weather allowed me to get outside and do more physically to excuse myself from doing it most of the summer. But, this morning, I just felt like getting back on. At first, it felt really good, but just a few minutes into it, I had to fight back tears. Thankfully, I was able to do the full 35 minute course and burned ~266 calories. Oh, and I realized something most of the way through, I probably shouldn't be doing the weight loss program any more. Duh!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

One of my best birthdays ever!

2006-11-05T13:44:00.000-05:00

The day began lazily enough (waking up about 9am, opening all but the present from my husband because he was still sleeping) but then swung into full gear because of a desire to watch football and get dim sum. Dim sum was, as usual, fantastic, and the company (my friend and husband) was even better. And, we made it back to our apartment in time to catch just about all of Florida's win over Vanderbilt! Yeah!

Then, the rest of my afternoon was spent doing just whatever the heck I wanted! I browsed Coach's website (my husband got me a gift card; thank you honey!), perused catalogs that came in over the past week and cut my fingernails and cut and painted my toenails. Then, while I was getting ready to go out to dinner, my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. He was very sweet and tried to suggest that this was just my 30th (instead of 34th) birthday. I told him if I'm going to lie about it, it might as well be my 29th birthday instead.

Dinner, unfortunately, got a little of a late start because the restaurant was packed, and our table wasn't ready when we arrived. But, that actually turned out to be a good thing because I had discovered earlier in the day that the club I'd planned on going to didn't open until 9pm (and dinner was at 7). After dinner, my husband stopped by another restaurant to pick up one of the most important parts of the evening, the above pictured cake, of course. I was so pleased upon first seeing it (and even more pleased once I took a bite of it!) that I wanted to dig in right away. But, alas, I controlled myself and waited until after arriving at the club.

We got there just after it opened, so we had the place entirely to ourselves, save the employees. And, while I at first thought it was going to suck if no one else ever came to the bar during the course of the evening, I soon had my thoughts changed when a group of supposed 20 somethings arrived celebrating a friend's 21st birthday ... with parents in tow. So, the place filled up rather quickly ... wouldn't you go to a party if someone's parents were footing the bill? The good thing (or so we thought) about all of the party-goers was that there would be other people dancing. But, apparently, the girlies were too chicken (with one sadly dressed woman being the exception). So, we said, screw it, let's show these girls how to dance. And, so we made fools of ourselves. In all, great fun! Over the course of the night, I had 4 drinks (a ton for me!), my entree, a tiny piece (but divinely yummy!) of cake and about 8 bites of a French bread pizza sub after arriving back at home in order to help stave off the hangover, really! :)

A great Halloween!!!

2006-11-01T17:24:00.000-05:00

Suffice it to say, I went all out this year. It's the first year (as an adult) I really felt good enough about myself to make a spectacle of myself, and in the process I managed to drag my husband along with me. Thankfully, he was a very good sport.

So, you know who I'm supposed to be, but do you know who he is? I will be thoroughly impressed with anyone who tells me who he is. I'll even give you a hint: there is a tie-in to Audrey Hepburn which is the beauty of the costume.

The tie-in is so good that we decided to enter the university-wide costume contest at work yesterday. And, would you believe we won the Judge's Award?!?! This award essentially means we won the whole thing! Crazy!! Guess what the prize is, though. A freaking sheet pizza, a dozen wings and 2 quarts of soda. Lucky us, eh? But, whatever, we'll throw a small party and let our friends eat the garbage, right? :) It's the fact that we won that counts!

And, after giving out candy at a friend's house (b/c there aren't many kids in the neighborhood where I live), we went out for a drink ... with me still in my costume!

Oh, and how could I forget?! After the costume contest, my husband and I walked around to our various offices to show off how we were dressed to our co-workers, and while on the way back to my building from my husband's, we heard someone whistle the typical cat call type whistle and then someone yelled you're hot! At first, my husband thought it was someone I knew just being silly, but after looking around and spying what appeared to be a jail transport van, we both decided it wasn't someone either of us knew and to just keep walking. A compliment, I guess, but a rather odd one. :)

Anyways, I had a fabulous Halloweeen, and I hope you all did too! Now, I'm really looking forward to Saturday because it's my birthday, and we're going to do a bunch of fabulous stuff! First, we're going to watch my Gators beat Vanderbilt. Then, we're going to have dinner at a Thai restaurant with a few friends and then from there we're going to go to a fantastic local club where there's good drinks, comfortable seats, dancing and most importantly, clean bathrooms! There, we're going to enjoy my favorite cake in the whole world, red velvet cake, and I promise, I won't over-indulge in it. Whatever we don't eat, we can take home for me to savor one tiny piece at a time. :)

And now for a completely different Halloween experience

2006-10-25T10:58:00.000-04:00

I think I've mentioned it before, but in case I haven't, I love Halloween. As a child, I never had very nice costumes because my parents didn't like Halloween and didn't go in for buying (or making) us costumes. Most years, my costume existed of a plastic mask and clothing I already owned. Since becoming an adult every year I'd dreamed of the things I'd like to dress up as, but in general, I was very limited to what I could wear because of my weight.

In 1999, I dressed up as a mop from the Sorcerer's Apprentice to compliment my husband's Mickey. You can't really tell it from this photo, but I bought one of the cheap brown sheath-like costumes (I think it was supposed to be a monk's costume) to make myself the handle and attached a couple of hula skirts just below my knees to make the mop head. In my hand, I carry a bucket painted to look like an old wooden bucket and filled it with iridescent wrap to make it look like water. Pretty darn creative, huh? But, can you see that I'm wearing something over the gown thing? Well, I was a bit uncomfortable with how tightly the gown thing clung to my body (surprise, surprise), so I wore a brown t-shirt over the gown ... not that it made me look any better. But, it did make me feel better!

Last year and the year before, I dressed up as the spider woman. In 2004, I had to put on the "one size fits all" skirt over my head (instead of stepping into it) because the elastic wouldn't stretch out enough to fit over my hips and abdomen. So, when I wore it last year and easily slipped it on, I was thrilled. But, when I look at myself from then now I know I never would have even considered what I'm planning on for this year ...

I am going to be Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany's! I found this vintage dress on eBay, an Audrey-style wig, long black gloves, some pearls and even the long cigarette holder! Oh, and even though the wig I bought comes with (what I'm sure will be a rather tacky) tiara, I'm going to add the tiara I wore on my wedding day to top it all off! The only thing I lack now is shoes. Sad that I don't have a pair of appropriate low-heeled or flat black shoes, but I don't. So, I'm still on the hunt! The caveat is that I don't wear a lot of black, so I don't want to spend more than $20 on the shoes since I know they won't get much use. Anyways, I'm very excited about it (even though I know I'm no where near as skinny as Audrey always was), and I plan to take photos. So, be on the lookout for them soon after Halloween! What are you all planning on dressing up as?

Gooooooooooaaaaalllllll!!!

2006-10-16T11:37:00.000-04:00

About friggin' time! I read the scale with amazement this morning, 135.0 lbs!! Yeah, I've finally reached my offical goal weight, 1 year, 4 months and 2 days after WLS!! I haven't been all that stressed about not reaching this number because I'm happy with how I look, but now that I'm here, it's really nice to have achieved it. Now, the next goals are to run, not walk, the Disney 5K in January and the Nike Womens' 1/2 Marathon in October of next year. I doubt I'll become one of the psychos (like my sister, so I mean that with love) who runs marathons all the time, but these are two physical goals that I'd like to be able to achieve.

I've got more photos from NYC that I'd like to post, but Blogger's photo upload stopped working on me this morning. So, check back again for more in the near future!

Back to normal ... thankfully!

2006-10-12T16:25:00.000-04:00

My weight this morning was 136.0 lbs, so I was able to lose those extra 10 lbs of water weight in the last week. Thank goodness! I'm sure the resumption of the med that I'd run out of and the start of my period helped significantly. And, on top of that, I got my butt walked all over NYC this past weekend!

A friend and I drove down Friday morning (mostly uneventful with the exception of part of the muffler flying off about an hour from home). We arrived in Chelsea at my friend's brother's apartment (where we were staying) at about 4pm and almost immediately set off. We first hit Tiffany, Bergdorf, Henri Bendel, Takashimaya and Zara in midtown before returning to Chelsea for dinner. I was on the hunt for a new winter coat (since the one I wore last year is a 14 and way too big!), so most of where we shopped throughout the weekend was to help me toward that end. Although, Bergdorf's, Bendel's and Takashimaya were only for the experience of going there.

After exploring Chelsea with my friend's brother and his boyfriend for a little while, we found a Japanese place where the ladies from Sex and the City enjoyed dinner at some point during the show's run. From there, we headed toward the meatpacking district in order to kill a little time before we were to meet a few friends at the Maritime Hotel for drinks. I had 1 Bellini because I was trying not to spend an absolute fortune, and I didn't want to get too drunk either. We got back to the apartment at about midnight. Unfortunately, my night, in effect, did not end. My friend's brother has a studio apartment, a rather large studio for NYC, but still a studio. So, no privacy ... for anyone! My friend slept w/ her brother in his bed, and I slept on the couch not 3 feet from their feet! And, within 2 minutes of turning out the light, my friend's brother was snoring, loudly! And, I kid you not, it went on for most of the night. When my husband snores, I just wake him up and ask him to turn over, not exactly something I could do in this situation. I'd brought ear plugs, but unfortunately, they were completely ineffective. I heard everything, even over my white noise machine. Suffice it to say, I got no more than 4 hours sleep that night and none of it was very consecutive. All this lack of sleep really stressed me out because I knew we had major plans for the next day ...

Our first stop of the day was Le Bergamote, a French patisserie. I enjoyed a fabulous, authentic almond croissant and a non-fat latte, and I got a Brioche to go knowing that what little of the croissant I would end up eating and the latte wouldn't hold me for long. From there we caught the E train to its last stop, the former World Trade Center stop. I'd never seen the site (either when the buildings were there or after 9/11) before, so I wanted to take time to look around. There were images taken on 9/11 displayed throughout a small memorial that were so incredibly powerful I had a difficult time staying there to look at them. And, I sensed some uncomfortableness in my friend, so we kept moving ... across the street to Century 21 in my continuing quest for a coat! I tried one on that I liked, but it was a bit too snug to fit a bulky sweater underneath. So, I left with just a couple pairs of tights. We walked north toward City Hall until we came upon a Papyrus. Papyrus is my all-time favorite stationary store, so we had to go in. I found an anniversary & birthday card for my husband, a birthday card for my sister, a couple of cute beaded rings for my nieces and Christmas cards. Yup, Christmas cards! We don't have a Papyrus anywhere near us, and I found some I loved. So, I just decided to go ahead and get them.

From there, we walked up (and over I think) to TriBeCa, a fabulous neighborhood made famous by Robert DeNiro and more recently the What Not to Wear studios. I, sadly, was not able to figure out which door led to the studios even though I was standing on the correct street and block, but it was cool to see it. We hopped back on the train uptown and ended up back in the meatpacking district for brunch at Pastis, yet another favorite of Carrie and the girls. We both had the Omlette aux Fines Herbes w/ French Fries, and despite feeling a leetle guilty about the French fries when ordering them, the guilt flew right out the window (oh, wait, we ate outside on the patio) when they arrived! I typically don't care for eggs, but this omelet was so well prepared; it was light, airy and just completely delicious. I couldn't stop raving about it, and oh, my, gosh, the French fries! I promise I ate only a quarter to third of the fries they served me, but dang, were they phenomenal! If you go to NYC, you must go to Pastis for the fries! I mean it!!!

We did so much that the details have become a leetle bit hazy, but I think what follows is what we did. :) From Pastis we caught the E train again up to Midtown in order to retrieve my jewelry and to meet up with a friend. While the cleaning did cost me about $35, it all looked amazingly as if it were brand new, so I was thrilled. I have a very good sense of direction, so when we headed north toward Central Park in order to catch another train down to the Union Square area I, at first, got very confused. But, once we found the station, we were headed in the right direction, south. One of the things that amazes me most (now that I'm back at home) is that with the exception of this situation, my friend basically knew where all of the train stations were and we always managed to be on the correct side of the tracks upon descending the stairs. It was sooo fabulous not to have to worry about consulting a map every time I wanted to go to a different place. Once in Union Square, I managed to spend almost $85 on MAC makeup (all stuff that I needed and would have bought online if I hadn't been going to NYC), and I found a very cool scarf at Lucky Brand Jeans. At this point, we were so loaded down with packages that we decided to make our way back to the apartment to drop off our acquisitions and to rest for just a few minutes before heading back out. (So much shopping to do!)

Our next stop, SoHo and the East Village, were my most successful shopping venues for the day. Upon ascending the steps from the station into SoHo, we entered an entirely different world, to me at least. The streets were much more narrow, and the streets were filled on all sides with quaint shops. We turned up Thompson St. so that my friend could check out a shoe shop, and just before it, I discovered a fabulous high-end second-hand shop. There, I found two absolutely fabulous winter coats from Marc by Marc Jacobs and Yves Saint Laurent. I, of course, loved them both; although, I didn't bother trying either one on after seeing their prices, $850 & $1200, respectively. Ouch!! After dejectedly leaving the store, we continued up Thompson St. toward the heart of SoHo, but then I saw it, The Hat Shop. I had to go in even though I had no coat with which a hat could accessorize! I tried a few more traditional wool hats on, but with their prices at about $200 each, I couldn't seriously look. But, then my friend found a basket of lovely knitted hats with fabulous touches of feathers adorning them. I found a brown one, and fell in love. It didn't matter that I had no coat; I had found my hat! I left the store with my hat lovingly packaged inside a hat-box giddy over my find. And, while I was still in search of a coat, I didn't mind not being able to afford the two previous coats I'd found so much anymore. After that, we hit the most awesome Apple store, FCUK (where I found another coat I liked but wasn't sure about spending what it cost for it), the flagship Prada store (featured in the Sex and the City episode when Carrie took Berger there) where we oogled an $11K men's suit-coat along with a myriad of other significantly over-priced but gorgeous shoes, handbags and clothes and two different H&M stores within 2 blocks of each other! While my feet (thankfully!) weren't bothering me, my lower back had seriously begun aching by this time, and due to the significant lack of sleep the night before, I had seriously begun to fade.

We returned to the apartment by way of a local Chelsea bar where we briefly dropped off the friend we picked up in Midtown who met another friend who would later join us for dinner. I was so freaking exhausted at this point that I considered not joining everyone for dinner, but I didn't want to be ungracious to my hosts. So, I changed my clothes and did my best to re-energize myself before heading back out. Because of my back pain, it was decided we'd take the train down to the restaurant (even though it really wasn't that far), so our walk to the restaurant was only 1/2 a block.

The restaurant was an authentic Spanish Tapas bar full of a very lively crowd of birthday celebrants. They were so loud, we had to shout ourselves in order to be heard across the table, so thankfully, the food made up for the ambiance. (I'm sure on a more normal day of smaller parties the ambiance would be amazing.) I can't remember what all we had because there were soo many things that were ordered, but all that I tried I loved. Unfortunately, though, because I couldn't eat as much as the other 6 people there, I ended up getting a bit screwed in the end. The bill was split evenly 7 ways (even though some had espresso and dessert and others didn't), so couple the extras with the significantly smaller quantity of food I know I ate, there's no way I consumed $37 worth of food. But, oh well! There was no way I was going to say anything!

After a bit of a detour getting back to the apartment, I did my best to settle in for what I feared might be another sleepless night. Thankfully, though, my friend had a different type of earplug that, instead of being inserted into the ear canal just covered the outside and part of the ear canal, allowed me to sleep rather soundly throughout the night. I woke up happy and refreshed! I had a 4-5 hour drive ahead of me afterall!

After leisurely getting ready, we walked down to The Park restaurant where I enjoyed part of some fabulous Ricotta Pancakes with Tangerine Marscapone sauce and some apple chicken sausage. From there, we walked down to the Chelsea Market to pick up some sandwiches for the trip home, and there, I found some of the most fabulous bread at Amy's Bread, some cookies at Eleni's and then some pastries to share with my husband back at the French patisserie we ate at on Saturday morning.

Packing the car was a breeze because my friend's brother brought just about everything down on a cart, and we set off on our drive back home. Neither of us really wanted to leave the city (despite wanting to get back to our own things), but with the help of fabulous weather, the trip back was a breeze making it that much easier to say, when are we going back again?!

Title revisited (feelings of largeness ... to put it mildly)

2006-10-02T21:45:00.000-04:00

I didn't think I'd get to this point again and so darn quickly too, 145 lbs! Yes, you read correctly, one-hundred forty-five pounds. According to the scale, I have gained 9 lbs in the past week. How on earth that is humanly possible, I do not know ... especially when nothing's changed in my diet or my exercise regimen (non-existent). But, what has changed is that I'm totally PMSing and thus retaining water, and I ran out of one of my regular meds about a week ago. And, while this pill isn't taken for this purpose, it acts as a diuretic. So, while I'm happy about my breasts being a bit fuller (such that I can lean forward and not have them fall flat from the sides), I'm not happy about this huge weight gain. But, I'm still wearing my size 6 pants, so it can't be too significant. The meds arrived in the mail today, and I should be getting my period soon. So, here's hoping the pounds start dropping off soon; I can't take a 9 lb gain!

Post surgery report

2006-09-25T10:57:00.000-04:00

It's been a week and 3 days since I had my right wrist surgery to clean up a tear in the cartilage. I've been rather limited in my ability to type since then, so that's the reason for the delay in reporting. I got the soft cast and sutures removed today and have been given a brace and an order for physical therapy. The doctor was pleased with how my wrist looks, not much swelling or bruising. But, unfortunately, I still have some numbness and pain in my ring finger that she can't explain. She advises that it could take up to 2 months for it to fully go away, but she feels it's not nerve damage. Yeah, right. And, now, this damn brace is making it more difficult to do normal things like type, drive, etc., and it's frustrating the hell out of me. But, the strength in my wrist isn't good enough to go without it, so I'm stuck with it. Hopefully, with the PT, it will be strengthened more quickly and I won't have to wear the brace until my next appointment w/ the surgeon, which is a month from now.

On another note, I had the same woman who asked me how I could stand only eating 3 tbsp. of food a day shortly after returning to work post-WLS ask me how much pain I was in after my WLS surgery this morning. I was intrigued by her question, so I answered it honestly. She then got a disappointed look on her face and said, oh. So, I wouldn't be able to do it. This woman is 5'3"ish and at most 145 lbs! So, she sees my success, thinks there was no work involved post-surgery and that it could help her lose the 15-20 lbs she wants to lose. Oh, come on! I politely tried to explain that you have to have a BMI of over 40 to even be considered (after which she says, yeah, mine's 26!) and that it was a lot of work to get to where I am. It wasn't just magic, and then she says, but you're guaranteed of never gaining it back, right?! Arghghghgh!!! Noo, I have to work at it to maintain my weight, and if I'm not careful, I could put a lot back on. Ohhhh, she says. Sheesh!!!

Still encountering changes

2006-09-10T22:06:00.000-04:00

One change that I've recently come to realize is that since losing all this weight I've been able to develop friendships with other women more easily. And, what I don't know is is this change due to my increase in self-confidence or is it one of those things that most women probably wouldn't be willing to admit, now that I've lost the weight and can "fit in" with them and others am I more attractive with respect to being a potential friend? Or, is it a combination of them both? I suspect it's the latter, but who knows?!

Throughout my life, I've had a handful of very close female friends, but it was usually only one at a time. And, in the course of my 8 years of marriage prior to the past 4 months, I really didn't have any female friends, close or not. But, now, I have 3 women with which I do things socially on a semi-regular basis, and I'm loving it! Two of them came over this past Friday night to hang out and watch Sex and the City, and we had an absolutely fabulous time! I ate way too much and had 3, count them!, 3 glasses of wine. Granted, that was over the course of 5 hours, but that's a lot of wine for me! Yes, I'm over-analyzing the situation, as usual, and I'm thrilled to have other women with whom I can hang out, talk fashion with and confide in. So, I'm going to do my best not to screw it up! Wish me luck!

On another matter entirely, I'm scheduled for surgery this Friday. I'm sure you're wondering for what? Is it possibly plastics? Nope, I'm having arthroscopic wrist surgery in an attempt to repair or clean up torn cartilage in my right wrist. I'm not looking forward to the surgery and have considered chickening out, but the reason I'm scheduled for the surgery is that I have pain because of the tear. I've gone through physical therapy and have had a cortisone injection, and neither relieved the pain. So, one of the biggest things I'm worried about is the anesthesia. I have the option of being given the twilight anesthesia or general. I'm leaning toward the twilight, but I had twilight when I had my wisdom teeth out and I remember screaming in pain during the procedure. So, I'm just not confident in choosing the twilight. And, another aspect I'm worried about is post surgery. If she can fix the tear, I'll have a cast from my fingers up past my elbow for 6 - 8 weeks. This is my right wrist, guys, and I'm right handed. So, I'm not going to be able to do things w/ my right hand, things like what I spend an hour each morning doing due to my hirsutism. How in the hell am I going to deal w/ that?! If she can't fix it but can only clean it up I'll only have a soft brace for a couple of weeks. So, this weekend when I helped my husband move our stuff from our 2 storage units into 1 I lifted away despite the pain thinking that maybe I'd tear it even more so that she wouldn't be able to fix it. Crazy, huh?!

The rest ...

2006-09-06T20:05:00.000-04:00

I hope I don't bore you to death with these ...

The Bathroom

Saying hello to you all from the bathroom

The disastrous office

Me explaining the issue with the office

Our bedroom

The guest bedroom

And, unfortunately, I can't show you the living room because the video clip is apparently too large/long. :P I'm sure I've sufficiently bored you to tears w/ what I've got up, though.

The 1st Video Installment ...

2006-09-05T20:12:00.000-04:00

As promised, here's the first installment of video taken of our new apartment. Enjoy!

Pics of the new apartment

2006-09-04T20:19:00.000-04:00

Sheesh, guys, it's been a million years; I know! I do believe I finally have the apartment unpacked ... for the most part. The only thing that's really lacking is the office, but I'll get it done soon. Here are some photos of the apartment for your perusal. The place is small, so it's difficult to get wide, overall shots of all of the rooms. But, I tried! :)

Some of them are certainly obvious, but here's the order of the pics:
The living room, the kitchen (I got those flowers at the farmer's market for ten bucks!!), the view of the lake from our apartment, the bathroom, the bedroom, the guest room, the office. I also have some video I took that I'm going to try to post later this week as well as a post about what's been going on with me. I again apologize for the complete lack of posts lately. I hope there are still some of you out there!

We've moved!

2006-08-15T21:50:00.000-04:00

We chose the place on Lake St. and have been in the long, arduous process of moving for what seems like an eternity. We're thankfully almost out of the old place and only have about one night's worth of work left, and that's why I haven't posted in ages. I'll try to post more when I can, but once we finish with the old place, there's butt-loads of unpacking to do at the new place. Fun, fun!

What an amazing day!!

2006-07-29T17:54:00.001-04:00

After picking up some folding chairs for a friend who's having a party tonight, we made our way down to the local farmer's market as I wanted to pick up a bottle of wine for the party. After getting my requisite iced non-fat cafe-au-lait and the bottle of wine, I went to a booth called Posies where they piece together a large bouquet of fresh flowers for the amazing price of ten bucks! I kid you not this bouquet would easily cost $60 from a florist. There are lilies, echinacea, zinnia, liatris, stock, daisies and a bunch of other flowers I don't know the names of; truly amazing!! Then, we got lunch at a booth that serves fresh, gourmet, vegetarian food. I chose the small variety platter which had a southwest corn salad, a chickpea salad, fresh green beans, a salad of mixed greens with fresh, edible flowers and other things I don't remember! Yummie!

Soon after returning home we left again to see two apartments. I can't tell you how many apartments we've seen over the past two weeks, but I can say none of them were what we're looking for ourselves. Have I mentioned that our lease is up on August 17th and we haven't found a new place yet? It's been really stressing me out. After today's visits, though, we have two that we like! Yeah!! Now, we just have to decide which one. Neither are in my preferred location, downtown, but they each have their benefits. Here's a quick summary:

Wildflower Dr. - $950 + all utilities
Pros:
Air conditioning
2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
Patio
Garage
Washer/Dryer
On bus route
Large pantry
Dishwasher
Cons:
W/D old
Dark kitchen w/ no windows
Bus only every hour
About 1 mile to downtown
Small windows
Old kitchen appliances

Lake St. - $1100 + elect (includes heat)
Pros:
Completely renovated last year
3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom
Beautiful carpet and hardwood floors
Brand new appliances
Completely furnished w/ nice furniture
Large windows
On bus route w/ buses every 10 minutes
Dishwasher
Large kitchen island
Blocks to downtown and work
Nice breeze
Cons:
Shared coin-op W/D in basement
Elliptical may not work (ceiling height)
Will have to keep a storage unit
Limited parking
Possible noise from neighbors
On 3rd floor (carrying in groceries/moving in)

So, what do you all think? I'm leaning toward the place on Lake St. as long as the elliptical will work there. We'll have to measure.

We then got changed into our bathing suits and went to one of the gorges. We had some pretty big rain storms yesterday, so there was quite a lot of water running through the gorge. It's in the 90s here today, so it was a really nice reprieve. We walked around in the water for a while then found a nice spot in the sun at a spot just perfect for lounging in the water. I enjoyed it so thoroughly and know I'd never even have considered doing it last year. It was so awesome!

And, tonight's my friend's party! I'm going to need tomorrow to recover, but I need to get packing!

Crazy! Crazy!

2006-07-24T16:34:00.000-04:00

(My post title probably breaks some trademark law or something. Oh well!) Happily, my nieces were in town visiting with their dad (sadly, my sister couldn't make it because she had to teach) last week. I took 3 days off of work and drove down to my parents' Saturday-Tuesday, and they came up here on Wednesday. We played mini-golf, went to my parents' church picnic, went to the movies, went to the zoo, went to the pool, went to a local interactive science museum, went bowling and ate ... a lot! We had ice cream twice (the 1st time I got a rather bad non-fat, SF chocolate iced latte, and the 2nd time I ordered a smaller than kid-sized vanilla cone dipped in cherry (oooh, do I love ice cream dips!) which my eldest niece ended up finishing), Chinese, Tex-Mex twice, vegetarian and my mom's cube steak, mashed potatoes & gravy. Boy, was I bad! Thankfully, though, I was so active, I didn't gain anything; I didn't lose anything either, but I'm ok w/ that.

When they were up here last summer, I remember playing mini-golf at the same place. This was maybe a month post-op, so while I had lost some weight, I was still carrying around quite a bit. And, while I recognize some of my issues were due to the surgery itself coupled with the heat we were experiencing, I remember getting totally worn out just from mini-golf! And, there's no way I would have gotten myself into a bathing suit last year! Although, while sitting in the kiddie pool, I put my hands down on the bottom and locked my arms letting my legs float upward, and what did I see floating first? Skin!! Arrrghh! It was narsty. I did my best to not let that happen again. And, I still found myself comparing myself to other women at the pool, but yes, I know I'm skinny! I will admit that now, but I still look at certain parts of myself and think, ugh, I'm still fat. Unless I have plastics (and it's not looking like I will unless I leave my husband and find me a sugar-daddy ;) ), it's just going to be the way it is; I can't help it. In normal clothes, though, I still find myself mesmerized when I see myself in a picture or on video. I borrowed a digital video camera from work while they were here, so I have a lot of video from their visit. I'd post some of what little I have with me in it, but I can't seem to find any info on Blogger on how to do it. Anyone else know how?

Oh, and yesterday, my husband and I played tennis for the first time in a very long time (I don't remember when the last time was!). While I always did ok at moving around the court previously, I know that when a shot would be hit at either side of my half of the court instead of in the middle, I'd think, ehhh, not gonna get to it, so why should I bother trying. Yesterday, not only did I try I made it to the ball on most occasions. And, it felt good to run. My chest wasn't bouncing all over the place, my knee didn't hurt (although it's a little sore today) and I actually felt light on my feet! The one unfortunate situation? Because of storing extra balls in my pocket, my dang shorts kept falling down too low, so when I'd go running for a shot, I could feel the skin of my abdomen flapping away in the breeze. Ok, no, I'm probably exaggerating a bit, but that's what it felt like! And, I knew if I took the time to try and look if it was actually happening I'd only draw attention to it and I would have missed the shot! I forgot to ask my husband if he noticed it; I'll try to remember to ask and will let you know. ;) Yup, going to have to find shorts that fit better before playing again!

1 year, 1 month + Post-Op Photos

2006-07-23T21:36:00.000-04:00

Today

21 May 2006

Oct 2005, Jan 2006, March 2006

14 March 2006

Today

21 May 2006

Oct 2005, Jan 2006, March 2006

March 2005, December 2005
18 July 2004

19 October 2003
Sorry for the long hiatus all. I plan to post more tomorrow.

What the bleep was I thinking?

2006-07-09T15:22:00.000-04:00

Yesterday started off really well. My mom came up for the day to enjoy her mother's day present: brunch, leisurely stroll at a local garden and an afternoon at the spa. Brunch was fantastic. We were able to sit outside in their garden patio where I enjoyed Brie stuffed French toast and chicken & apple sausage. After brunch, we headed to a local garden affiliated with the university. I'd never been to this particular garden before, and while it wasn't as impressive as Filoli in California or Longwood Gardens outside Philadelphia, they had some incredibly unique plants and shrubs I'd never heard of before. On top of that, it was an incredible day weather wise, so that made the garden even more enjoyable.

Then came the spa. Ohhh, man. I'd been to this spa before (but only for a pedicure), so I knew about their services and setting. After shedding our clothes for Japanese-style kimono robes and fluffy-white slippers, we were taken to our choice of tranquility rooms. The first had a fireplace filled with tea light candles, lemon-infused ice water, strawberry fizzle hot tea and four semi-reclined chairs and ottomans and lots of natural light coming in from two windows. The second offered the same 4 chairs and ottomans and ice-water as well as hot water and a selection of teas with honey, various sugars and cream. But, the kicker was a natural stone wall with water cascading over the stones down into a shallow pool. Ahhh, so incredibly relaxing. We were only there for about 10 minutes before the therapist called me back for my treatment, the Taughannock Falls Waterfall treatment. I won't do it justice, so instead I take the following description directly from their website:

While lying on a wet table the six Vichy shower jets allow the water to flow over you as warmed stones glide smoothly over the body helping to relieve tired, achy muscles. Wash away the stresses and worries of life. This treatment incorporates an aromatherapy salt scrub and finishes with a hot stone aromatherapy rub.

While on our honeymoon, I had a facial aboard the cruise ship but had never had a body treatment before because of knowing I'd feel uncomfortable having someone else being forced to touch my body (not to mention likely seeing my body sans clothes). So, it was really nice not only having the robe fit (a bit on the big side, actually) but feeling comfortable in the setting and with what was being done to me.

I'm pretty sure my mom had a really fantastic time (she had a facial and a pedicure) as she'd never been to a spa before, and I certainly enjoyed my day. So, that sounds like a full day already, right? Well, after arriving home at about 4:30pm, I sat my butt down and watched the most recent version of Pride & Prejudice. I'd seen it once before, but given that I'm currently reading the book and am nearing the end, I was interested to see how closely the movie follows the book. The result, the storyline is pretty much the same, but certain events were quite different. It's still enjoyable, though. So, with about 15 minutes left in the movie I decided to ask my husband if he was interested in taking a walk after it was over. (No, he wasn't watching the movie but was instead lying on the floor reading one of the programming books he'd checked out from the library.) He agreed to the walk without any questions of where, what type of walk, etc. We set out on the walk through our neighborhood without a plan of how far or long of a walk we'd be taking. On similar walks we'd taken in the past, Koba dictated how far we'd go, but alas, he was not there. :( So, without a word, we went beyond the point where we usually turned around with Koba ... all the way to the end of our road (which turns out is 1.2 miles), and at the end of the road, we decided to keep going ... despite blisters beginning to form on my feet, not having any water and quickly approaching darkness. In all, we walked 5.1 miles across greatly varying altitudes. (This is where today's title comes from.) By the time we got home, it was almost completely dark, I had 6 small blisters on my left foot & 4 on my right foot and my left knee (the one that had begun degrading before losing all this weight) was hurting. Oh, and get this, I still went hiking through a gorge trail this morning because we'd planned to do it, and my knee is still hurting with every step I take. Even still, it all felt good. And, while I won't yet call it official, I weigh what I have lost, 137 lbs, as of this morning!

Happy 4th of July!

2006-07-04T19:55:00.000-04:00

I hope everyone has had a great day today and that you've been able to enjoy your time off (if you had it). I've essentially had the past 5 days off (including the weekend), and I don't look forward to going back to work tomorrow. I've had a very good time these past few days and would like it to continue; although, I have missed Koba throughout the weekend. I, as usual, didn't accomplish all I would have liked to accomplish this weekend, but I did do a lot. The garden's looking better and better, but there's still a ton of work to be done. With the amount of rain we've had thus far, it's a never ending cycle of weeding.

Have I mentioned that my husband and I have decided to move to another apartment at the end of our current lease? We like the house we're living in a lot, but the well water is just too bad to continue living here. Our lease is up on August 17th or so, and we haven't yet found another place. We're hoping to move closer to downtown, so the number of options is smaller. And, a lot of what's downtown is rather old, early 1800s or so, and being rentals, they're typically not too well taken care of. And, while I'll admit I've been spoiled with where we've been able to live, I just can't imagine moving into a ratty, dirty, smelly apartment and paying $1000/month for it! Yes, I know, it's a lot cheaper than anything I'd find in NYC, San Francisco or any other major city for that matter, but this is the middle of cow country, for crying out loud, not some major metropolitan area! It just so happens to be a university town, though, so we're paying a premium. And, well, without the university, neither my husband nor I would have jobs, so I guess we can't complain too much.

In honor of the 4th of July, I made the following burgers both yesterday and today (b/c my husband liked them so much!). If you like a kick to your burgers, you're going to love these!

Firecracker Burgers

1 lb. 95% lean ground beef
1 4oz. can hot diced green chilies
2 tbsp. chopped garlic
1/2 tsp. granulated beef bouillon
2 tbsp. Worchestershire Sauce
4 slices of Jalapeno cheddar cheese

Mix the ground beef, chilies, garlic, beef bouillon and Worchestershire together. Let the mixture sit for about an hour to allow the beef to take up the chili and garlic flavor. Form four equal sized patties. Pre-heat the grill to at least 350 degrees. Lightly oil the grill grate then place the burgers on the grill. Cook for about 5 minutes on each side adding the slices of cheese to the burgers about 2 minutes before removing the burgers from the grill. Serve on a bun with your favorite condiments.

Enjoy!

I must have found some guts when I lost the weight!

2006-07-01T20:04:00.000-04:00

My department had our annual summer picnic yesterday at our director's house on the lake. There was food, beer, water, a jet ski, a boat, a canoe and a sailboat ... oh, plus almost all of my co-workers plus various family members of each. The food wasn't so hot (hot dogs, greasy! hamburgers, clams (eww!), chips (yes, I'll admit, I had a few chips, a couple of Fritos and 2 Doritos! Bad Jenn!), veggies and various salads. I had a hamburger, and I probably would have been better off w/ a hot dog, the hamburger was so greasy! But, the big news for me, I went jet skiing! I first tried it w/ my husband, and being that the jet ski was meant for one, we had quite the difficult time keeping it balanced. We got about 150' from where we took off, and completely lost our balance. In we went! Thankfully, the water was a ton warmer than when we went kayaking on the same lake a couple of months ago, and while I panicked for about 2 seconds, I quickly realized the PFD was going to keep me above water w/out difficulty. We tried getting on the thing again but kept flipping it, so I decided to make my way back to shore and then walk back to my director's beach-front. After my husband returned, I decided I'd give it a try. Man, was I scared! But, once I finally got the thing started, I was off like a shot. And, as long as I was in the calmer water (the winds were rather strong yesterday), I had a blast, but the return trip was rather hairy for me as I was going against the wind and the waves which led the jet ski to jump up in the air quite a few times. So, instead of staying out there longer, I decided to bring it back in ... which in and of itself was an adventure. I thought that if I completely let off the throttle it would stall, so I kind of came into the dock a little too quickly. I hit the kill switch, but if I recall correctly, someone ended up jumping in the water to stop me and the jet ski from careening into the rocky beach. Yup, my director was stressed. ;) But, it was fun!

Today, I saw The Devil Wears Prada with a friend. I read the book a couple of years ago and enjoyed it, so I figured I'd like the movie. While it was different in ways from the book, it was still quite enjoyable, and if you like clothes, fashion or chick flicks, I'd recommend it. Oh, and after the movie I went to Gap to see if I could find anything that was part of their "really big sale". Yup, that wasn't an issue. I don't remember exactly how many things I found, but it was quite a few. I must say shopping now that I'm a size 6/M is sooo much more fun ... especially when stuff's on sale! I mean, I found stuff for $7.99, and everything on sale was an extra 25% off! If you have a Gap and are in need of anything, go there! Fabulous sale!

Old habits

2006-06-27T16:02:00.000-04:00

I realized today that I have an old habit I've yet to change, I don't look at myself in the mirror unless I'm there specifically for the purpose of doing my hair, etc. I can be standing directly in front of a mirror washing my hands or whatever, and I just don't look at myself. I guess it comes from years of not wanting to see my own reflection, but I find it odd that even now, after having lost 134 pounds, my mindset hasn't changed. I guess if I force myself to look at myself whenever I go into a restroom (b/c I do want to see if I've got green stuff stuck in my teeth!) I may eventually change my behavior.

Our house seems so empty now without Koba. Yes, my husband's there, but it's missing a certain energy and presence. There have been a number of occasions since his passing where I know he would have made sure he was taking part in whatever was going on, and in each case, I realized it and missed him sorely which usually resulted in me crying. He was just so sweet, so generous and loving. I know I had 13 1/2 wonderful years; I just wish I could have had more.

Too much ...

2006-06-25T21:52:00.001-04:00

and not enough. As I'm sure you can all imagine, life's been significantly disrupted over the past week ... mostly with crying. I miss my sweet boy so much. Most of the time, I still can't accept that he's really gone. We picked up his cremains and paw print impression on Thursday, and I really thought that would help sink reality in. But, since there's really nothing that allows me to visibly tie his cremains to him, it didn't help. I guess I need to put everything of his away. I couldn't put his bed or his bowls away, and I haven't been able to bring myself to throw away the partially empty can of his food or the Frosty Paws (doggie ice cream) we used to help get his pills down in the last days. On multiple occasions, I swear I've heard him ... either his nails on the floor or his cough or his squeak. Usually, there's a good explanation for the noise, but after hearing what sounded exactly like his cough last night, I couldn't get settled down and didn't fall asleep until 3am. Everyone's been really nice. We got 4 cards, and my family sent us plants/flowers. And, all of your posts of encouragement and kind words have meant a lot to me. I am at least able to function mostly normally. But, I really need something that will keep my concentration in order for thoughts of him being gone not to creep into my mind. My husband and I are going to a coping with pet loss meeting on Tuesday night, and I hope it will help some. And, speaking of my husband, he's been really great throughout all this. He's been incredibly supportive and understanding, and I'm so grateful. I have wonderful friends and family, and this experience has really proven it to me.

In Memoriam: Our Beloved Koba

2006-06-19T17:03:00.000-04:00

01.13.1993 - 06.19.2006

He died peacefully (we hope) this morning at home just before I woke up. He was a wonderful dog, and I will miss him immeasurably. He was my baby. I had him before I met my husband, and he has been with me through so much. I honestly feel that he hung on during the time that my husband was gone because he wanted to help me, and once my husband moved back in, he felt it was ok for him to let go. I think this because it was shortly after my husband moved back in that he began not eating as well as he always had. I'm struggling with this loss so much. I've been crying so much today; I think that this may be harder than when my husband left because I know Koba can't come back. He'll always be with me, though. I will never forget his smile, his bark, even the way he panted. He was my first dog, and I know he won't be my last. But, he will always have a very special place in my heart, my sweet boy.

Last Sunday, the day before I was scheduled to leave for Chicago, he became very ill. He wasn't able to walk or stand, and when we tried to get him to stand he would immediately fall over. We took him to the vet, and they began IV fluids and antibiotics. I struggled with my decision to go to Chicago, but the next morning when we went to the vet's to see him and how he was doing, the vet felt he was doing better. He was more alert, his temperature was down slightly, he was willing to walk to go outside and he ate a little. So, I decided to go. On Tuesday, I learned that in the past month he lost 13 pounds, a lot of weight for a human in one month! We decided to keep him in the hospital for the week, and each day, the vet (and my husband because he went to see him each day) saw small marks of improvement. Even so, I knew he wasn't going to fully recover. So, on Friday upon returning from Chicago, we decided to bring him home with us, to continue monitoring his temperature and his weight, to make him as comfortable as possible and to spend as much time with him as we could. He seemed pretty good to me on Saturday (well, as good as could be expected), but he was worse yesterday. My parents came up to see him for what I told them was likely the last time, so I'm thankful they were able to come up. Then, after they left and before going to bed, my husband and I laid down with him for at least an hour just petting him, kissing him and being with him. It was a hot night, and earlier we'd considered going to Starbucks to get something cool, but something inside me told me not to go. I'm really glad we didn't. We went to bed about midnight, and at 3am he woke me by coming into the room. He was breathing rather heavily but was still able to walk on his own, so I tried to see if he wanted to go outside. He got as far as the mudroom and then decided he didn't want to go out. So, I laid down next to him on his bed and spent about an hour petting him until his breathing calmed and he was asleep then went back to bed. I decided not to get up at my normal time but to go into work late, but when my husband woke me up at 7:30am and I saw the look on his face, I knew. I've probably already given too many details, so I won't go into what all happened next. But, I had to tell his story; he was such a special dog. We've decided to have him cremated and to have his ashes kept in a wooden, memorial box so that he'll be with us forever. It was so horribly difficult leaving him at the vet's today, petting him, kissing him and saying goodbye for the last time. But, I know he's in a better place now, and he's watching over us telling us to go on. I just hope he wasn't in too much pain when it happened and that he knew we loved him with all our hearts. Life will not be the same without him, but I know I can do it.

1 year post-op follow-up

2006-06-10T17:40:00.000-04:00

I had my 1 year post-op follow-up appointment yesterday. It ended up being with the nurse practitioner. I was kind of hoping it would be with the surgeon, but I kind of knew it wasn't a likely possibility given his busy schedule. I went prepared with all of the questions/issues I'd written down over the past few weeks in preparation for the appointment. My weight on their scale was 144 lbs which is 3 lbs higher than my scale, but I was wearing clothes and shoes and had eaten. So, I didn't let it bother me. That weight puts me at 130 lb loss from my pre-surgery weight. The NP showed me a chart of my loss over the past year and the percentage of excess body weight that each number represents. So, as of yesterday's number, I was at a 98% loss of excess body weight when an ideal body weight of 134 lbs is used. I don't know where they get that number, the IBW, some chart I guess. But anyways, she said she was very happy with me at my current weight. I expressed my desire to get down to my goal of 135 lbs, and she was ok with it as long as it doesn't get below that.

One of my questions was about weight maintenance strategies, and that was answered by a "new" diet. They want me to increase my calories to 1200/day, but I won't start that until I reach my goal. It's not a whole lot different from what I'm already doing, though, so she said that once I reach my goal if I continue to lose weight to give them a call to re-evaluate. She asked me to keep in mind that the number on the scale is just a number and that it's how I feel that matters, but that number is part of how I feel. For me, 140ish is still too much. Yes, I'm wearing a size six, something I never thought I'd be able to do, but I'd like to be a solid size six. And, some sixes are still a bit tight on me, so I think losing the last 6 will get me there. I also I have a pretty strong desire to really start toning things up even though I do recognize that toning up certain areas won't help the loose skin situation.

On that subject, she did mention that she could refer me to a plastic surgeon at their affiliate hospital, Strong. She said that for an abdominal tummy tuck, hip to hip, w/ a regular plastic surgeon the cost would be about 10-12k. But, they have a residency plastic surgery program where the head resident does the surgery (and gets 1k) and the hospital costs are about 3k. So, it's a pretty significant cost reduction. She said she'd recommend I not consider it until I'm finished losing and only after having children (if there are any plans to). But, given the cost (even the 4k option), it's unlikely I'll do it. There are many other much more important things that need my money right now. And, she said that my skin isn't that bad; most of the time, I agree with her ... but not always.

I took the bloodwork results I had from late April with me, and she said everything but the B12 levels looked good. It was at the low end of normal, but they like it to be a bit higher. So, she's going to wait until the results of the blood draw they took to decide whether or not to put me on a supplement. Oh, and she did suggest I start a calcium supplement again. So, on the way home, I stopped at Sam's and picked up a box of the Caltrate Creamy Lemon chews (thanks for the recommendation, Sandi!). They're quite yummy!

We discussed my exercise habits (one of the reasons she's concerned I may continue to drop weight), and she was quite pleased. She said that I'm above average in the amount and level that I regularly do; I was surprised by this. I mean, I figured people would be more apt to exercise after having this surgery given that it's just so much easier, but apparently, in her experience, people still don't. They say, oh, I walk the dog, or I walk around the block sometimes. I guess it all depends upon the person. Yes, I did allow myself to get to 274 lbs, but I'm still the type of person that somewhat thrives upon exercise. I get tremendous enjoyment from it. Now, if summer would ever hit here (it's finally somewhat sunny here today but it rather chilly w/ the wind) I'd be able to do things outside again.

I also had somewhat of an ah-hah moment with her. I remember thinking the first time I met her "of course, she's really skinny". I figured she was about a size four. So, when we were talking about my weight, how happy I've been with the loss, etc. I mentioned how I was wearing size 8 jeans and had a couple of size 6 pants, and she said, wow! wouldn't that be nice. Incredulously, I said, what do you mean? Aren't you a size four or something? She laughed and said, no way, at the smallest I'm a 10! I was dumbfounded! Guess my perception is still rather askew.

In wrapping up the conversation we had, I mentioned how happy I am with my results. She said I, of course, had every reason to be very happy and that she hoped I recognized that my success is only partly due to the surgery. Yes, it played a big part, but the work that I've done over the past year is integral in my success. She mentioned that she's had other patients come to her and ask her to tell Dr. O'Malley thank you for their weight loss, that he's their only reason for losing weight. So, she just wanted to make sure that I wasn't thinking this as well. I let her know that I do commend myself for my success but that I also recognize that Dr. O'Malley's experience, knowledge and skills played a part as well.

I'm off to Chicago on Monday morning. I'm really looking forward to the trip even though it's for work. The work stuff doesn't begin until Tuesday morning and lasts through Thursday afternoon, so I'll have Monday evening and most of Friday to enjoy the city. Yippie! I plan to go to NoMI for dinner Monday night and do the Frank Lloyd Wright Home & Studio on Friday. I'll try to post from Chicago, but if you don't hear from me, I'm sure I'll post a full discourse when I return. ;)

Nada

2006-06-06T11:29:00.000-04:00

No movement scale wise this week. I somewhat expected that because I'm still weighing myself every day. I read an article some time ago about a study that showed people who weighed themselves daily as opposed to weekly or not at all lost more weight and were able to catch weight gain trends more quickly and take steps to stop it. So, I don't feel as guilty about doing it. Oh, and my impending period is gracing my body with extra water weight I'm sure. We have to deal w/ the period the week before and probably the week after, so we really only have 1 week out of each month where we're "normal". Crazy!

While I didn't get to do too much this weekend because of rain, I still had a really good weekend. We're doing this every other Friday off thing at work as long as we make up the time prior to the Friday off. So, I had a nice 3-day weekend. Other than a couple of errands, I didn't accomplish much of anything on Friday, and come to think of it, I didn't accomplish much all weekend. But, that's ok, right? I can't remember if it was Thursday or Friday night, but one of those nights, my husband and I went down to Barnes & Noble, got coffee and just sat there for a while reading magazines. I discovered that I should always sit and preview magazines before buying them because I picked up 3 I probably would have just bought if I'd been looking for magazines but hadn't planned on reading them first, and after quickly reading them, I found there wasn't really anything of interest that caused me to want to buy them. Anyhoo, we watched Transamerica and Shopgirl, and on Sunday we got really good Dim Sum for lunch and later went down to Starbucks where I just sat reading the Sunday Times. It's weird, while we weren't interacting with each other all that much, the time we spent at B&N and Starbucks was really enjoyable and made me feel closer to my husband. Is that odd?

Nope, I haven't fallen off of the face of the earth ...

2006-06-01T20:36:00.000-04:00

Although, it may have seemed so to you all! I can honestly say I've been very busy; although, off hand, I can't really say how. Well, let's see. I guess the big news first: my husband and I have officially moved back in with each other. The big move took place last Friday evening; I went with him to where he's officially been taking up residence for the past 5 1/2 months and helped him pack up what little he had there. I hadn't yet seen the place because I didn't want to see all of his stuff elsewhere. But, since he was leaving it (and coming home), it was ok. He didn't have a whole lot of stuff there, so it's integrated back into the house well. And, given that we only have 2 1/2 months left in this house (we've opted not to sign another year's lease b/c of the issues w/ the water), all that he has in storage will stay there. I'm happy to have him home; although, I found myself in a complete panic the other night as I was trying to fall asleep. I wasn't completely rational at the time given my sleepy state and became thoroughly afraid he was going to leave again if I didn't do everything right. It bothered me so much that I woke him up to talk about it. I've been doing much better lately, though.

On Sunday, my husband's dad and girlfriend were in town to visit. Although we think he knew I'd lost weight, he didn't know to what degree I had and that I had WLS. My husband and I had been sitting outside reading the Sunday Times, so when they called to say they were close, I moved inside so that my husband could greet them first and then I could make my grand appearance. I waited a couple of minutes after their arrival to go outside, so they were making their way toward the door as I stepped out. The look on my father-in-law's face was priceless. We'd surmised he would swear, but the look was even better. His jaw just completely dropped; he was without a doubt dumbfounded. I relished it. After giving them a quick tour of the messy house, we made our way to the Watkins Glen SP in order to do the gorge trail we weren't able to do last month. While we didn't do the entire trail, there are over 900 steps with some rather significant elevation changes, and nothing bothered me at all. Both my husband's dad and his dad's girlfriend were struggling, and their struggles brought back such memories for me. I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. We ended the evening with a nice dinner on the south end of the lake and a stroll on the pier. It was really good to see his dad; I'm glad I had the opportunity.

Then, Monday we met my parents about an hour away from home in order to see the latest IMAX movie, Roving Mars, and to go to the mall. The IMAX theater is part of a science museum, so while we were waiting, I found a scale that would tell you your weight on Earth, the moon and Mars. It's not something I ever would have done previously, but with my new-found confidence bolstering me and the quarter pricetag, I went for it. It was clearly geared toward kids as there was a cheesy, sci-fi sounding guy announcing that the ship was ready for blastoff or something, but even with my confidence higher than it's been in a long time, I almost cowered when I heard him say "and your weight on Earth is ..." b/c I thought he was really going to announce it. I liked what he had to say, though; my earth weight was 136.2 lbs, wrong, but cool. And, I don't remember my moon or Mars weights, but of course, they were significantly less. After the movie, we headed off to the mall as I was, once again, in need of some pants. Would you believe I found, and bought!, size six capris from J. Crew?! Size six! Holy buckets! I never dreamed that in less than a year I'd go from a size 26/28 at Lane Bryant to a size six at J. Crew. Never!! Yup, that made my day!

Next week will be my 1 year follow-up appointment at my surgeon's; although, my official 1 year anniversary isn't until the following week. But, I'll be in Chicago for training, so I had to push the appointment forward. My weight is currently 141 lbs, 6 lbs from my goal. And, while I don't think I'll be at my goal by my one year anniversary, it's so close I'm not stressing about it. I mean, dang, I'm at 141, I'm wearing size 6 pants and I've never felt better, physically, in my entire adult life. Although, there are still some niggling issues sticking around that I'll be discussing next week: dizziness, very easy bruising, foot cramps, potentially poor circulation in my extremities. I've got my most recent blood test results from my GP in hand, so they'll have those to compare to past/new results. Ok, did I make up for my neglect?

Proof of the kayaking!

2006-05-24T18:38:00.000-04:00

I got this picture today from one of my classmates who took it with one of those disposable waterproof cameras, so the quality isn't the best. Can you tell which one is me?

Happy, happy ...

2006-05-23T16:54:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my husband's and my 8th wedding anniversary. We had a very nice dinner at a local restaurant. The company was better than the food; although, don't get me wrong, the food was good. It just wasn't phenomenal like it was the last time we went there. I will say, however, that dessert, a Profiterole Sampler (French Vanilla Ice Cream Filled Cream Puffs Drizzled with a Chocolate Ganache, Berry Coulis & Caramel Sauce), and the coffee service that my husband had (coffee with a create your own gourmet plate of homemade, fresh whipped cream; mini chocolate chips; cinnamon sticks; rock candy swizzle sticks; natural sugar and cream) were fantastic!! I can definitely say that I ate more bites of the dessert than I should have, but thankfully, other than making me feel a bit too full, it didn't make me sick. Unfortunately, it was the first time with a dessert (post surgery) that I didn't want to stop eating it. But, I knew if I didn't, I'd get sick. And, I figured after all that food and dessert that I'd probably gain something, but happily, I stayed the same this morning, 143 lbs! Whoo-hoo! I honestly don't get it (b/c I didn't change anything about my diet and I actually haven't been doing the elliptical as often as I should), but I somehow lost a total of 5 lbs over 4 days! Amazing! I'll take it! Just 8 more to go to goal! Yippie!!

More pics

2006-05-21T16:27:00.000-04:00

So, here is the promised pic of me in my new bathing suit (not bad, huh? Although, my freaking calves are still huge, but seeing as my 103 lb sister still has big calves, I guess there's not much I can do), the requisite full body (All of the clothes I'm wearing in these have become a bit too big, and I'm still not thrilled w/ my arse. I think it looks a bit dumpy.) and head shots and some more of the doggie and garden (as we had a brief reprieve from the rain today). Enjoy!

I realize you all probably don't care as much about my garden as I do, but ehh, they're pretty pictures! ;) Off to do laundry and make dinner!

Garden Bed Pics

2006-05-20T21:28:00.000-04:00

It's a chilly, windy, sometimes rainy, mostly overcast weekend, but I brought a camera home from work so as to show off my hard work. The below shots are of the side garden I re-did at my house 2 weekends ago. Do you like?

The entire bed, straight-on. The stepping stones at the edge of the bed were there, and unfortunately, they don't go all the way to the back door.

One of my favorite photos of the Foxglove and Heuchera.

Another favorite of the Astilbe, Bleeding Heart and Heuchera.

Not the garden, but instead, my sweet doggie. I couldn't get a good shot of his face, but I'm sure you can tell how sweet he is. :) He's still not eating as well as he usually does, but he does eat all of his food just more slowly. I'm going to keep an eye on him and see how things change.

Why am I falling apart?

2006-05-17T16:34:00.000-04:00

So, I don't know if I've mentioned this previously, but I have torn cartilage in my right wrist. I saw a orthopedic surgeon some time ago, and apparently, cartilage doesn't heal on its own, ever. So, she suggested I try physical therapy to see if building up the muscles around the wrist would help relieve pain. So, I saw a PT for about a month and then continued the exercises she gave me. For a while, the exercises seemed to be working, but lately, the pain has come back. So, I made an appointment with the surgeon, and she decided the next course of action was a Cortisone injection. I had the injection (a very long needle directly into my wrist which actually didn't hurt all that much until she started pushing the fluid into the wrist and then the "you're going to feel some pressure now" pain started) on Monday afternoon, and almost immediately pretty major pain in the wrist began. I had asked her about what the known side-effects were, and she said that the 2 most common were pretty rare. But, of course, it's me we're talking about, so I developed one of them, severe pain in my wrist. It was so bad that I could do just about nothing. So, I called the doc back on Tuesday morning (after calling in to work) and learned it was "normal" (for the few people who react this way) but that I could have something for the pain. But, since I can't have NSAIDs, it made that trickier. She prescribed Ultracet, and after work, my husband took me to Target to pick it up. (Imagine right-handed me trying to drive my manual transmission Jetta while in severe pain. Not fun!) I took the 2 prescribed pills almost immediately after arriving home, and then came the loopyness. I felt like a complete ditz all night! Thankfully, though, the pain meds enabled me to actually use my right arm, so I'll deal. I tried just 1 pill this morning (after arriving at work so that I wasn't driving like that), and while the result was less intense, the loopyness was still there. Lucky me! It was ok to feel drunk at work! :) The pain seems to be subsiding even more, so I'm going to try not taking any more meds and see how that goes.

Amazingly, I lost another 2 lbs last week! And, I somehow breezed right through my 11 month WLS anniversary Sunday. I guess it was all the Mother's Day bru-ha-ha that did it. Anyways, I was very surprised to see 146.0 on Tuesday morning as I'd been stuck at 148.0 for over a week. One more month to my 1 year anniversary, so I doubt I'll be at goal weight for it, but that's ok. It will be close, and I'll just have another thing to celebrate after the 1 year anniversary. Man, what a year!

I did it!

2006-05-15T13:45:00.000-04:00

Kayaking on Saturday went off without a hitch. We met on campus a little before 8am, gathered the gear and then headed off toward the lake and where we were going to put in. By the time we drove there and got all of the gear out and on (wetsuit, neoprene boots, spray skirt, paddling jacket and PFD), it was about 10:30am before we actually got on the water. Once successfully getting into the kayak (without dumping myself, yeah!), I set off onto the water with a bit of trepidation. Because of expressing my nervousness, one of the 3 instructors basically trailed me all morning. I was grateful for her presence, but at the same time I was also unhappy with it because it hurt my pride. But, I'm sure having here there was also a source of confidence for me, so in looking back on it, I'm glad she was. We were taught a number of different paddling strokes including the sweep stroke (used for turns) and the draw stroke (used to bring yourself sideways in one direction) in addition to paddling backwards and stopping quickly.

While out on the water, I chose not to eat anything because I wasn't feeling hungry, but by the time we made it back to the put-in point, I was weak. I'd thankfully brought my lunch meat and cottage cheese because what they provided for us, while good, wasn't very high in protein. After eating my food, though, I tried a little of the provided southwestern rice and veggies with a little dab of hummus and southwestern sourdough. It was really good! And, I guess since I was out there doing so much physical activity all of the carbs weren't a horrible thing.

The afternoon was filled mostly with free paddling and rescue techniques. They weren't teaching us how to roll the kayak, so most of the rescue techniques were wet exits. And, in 50 degree weather, that sucks! Thankfully, most of them were demonstrations with one of the instructors having to go underwater. Just before we were ready to leave, though, they wanted us to try a rescue ourselves, both being rescued and rescuing others. I was pretty exhausted by this time and feared not being able to pull myself out of the water and up onto the kayak, so I elected not to try being rescued. But, I did rescue my husband successfully. :)

Overall, I had a great time, and when we went back out after lunch, I no longer had any nervousness, and not once was I fearful of the deep water. Granted, had I capsized in the middle of the lake there might have been a different story. I've been thinking I may want to learn to roll the kayak so that I wouldn't have to do a wet exit, and I definitely enjoyed myself enough to want to do it again!

Yesterday, I went to church at my parents' church, and while I was walking up from the lower parking lot to the church's front door, I thought I saw my brother and sister-in-law driving into the parking lot. I wasn't sure but decided to wait in the church's foyer a few minutes to see if it was them, and when they walked in they both had these giant smiles on their faces. I hadn't seen them since early December (the day after my husband told me he was leaving, as a matter of a fact, so I wasn't looking so hot), so when they saw me walking up the driveway, my sister-in-law said to my brother, I think that's your sister. He says, no way! That's not my sister! She said, yes, I think it is, so when they got out of the car, he shouted my name. I was too far away and didn't hear him, so he said, see, she didn't turn around; that's not her. So, when they walked in and saw that it was me they were both surprised. My sister-in-law said I looked absolutely fantastic, and my brother was rather speechless.

This new perspective that I now have is so odd. My goal was never to be smaller than most people I know, but now that I am smaller than my mom and my sister-in-law, two people who were always smaller than me, and I can recognize it, it's just such a surreal feeling. I'll tell you what, though, I'm looking forward a week and weekend of not much planned. Last week was just crazy!

This has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss

2006-05-12T14:49:00.000-04:00

Well, actually, it sort of does in a very round-about way. My dog is 13 years old and is generally healthy ... except for a rather large mass discovered about a year ago in his liver. It's about the size of a softball, and because it's in the liver, they aren't able to determine exactly what it is without doing exploratory surgery. So, because he's generally healthy and it didn't seem to be affecting his everyday life, we made the decision not to do the surgery but to monitor the mass via ultrasound instead. So, another ultrasound was done in September of 2005, and at that time it was found that the mass either didn't change or slightly reduced in size. And, nothing had changed about his behavior.

It's now a year later, and in general, nothing's changed about his behavior save one thing, he doesn't eat as voraciously as he used to. Now, this has only been going on for about a week, but he's my baby and I was concerned. So, I took him to the vet this week, and they drew some blood to do bloodwork so as to compare it to the most recent results. For this bloodwork and the exam and other various things, I paid $192, a lot of money for me right now. The results: his liver enzymes are higher than they were the last time by about 300 points. So, what the vet is suggesting is another ultrasound (at about $300) and then maybe a test for Cushing's disease.

I'm having a very difficult time with all this because: a) I really can't afford it (and, that's where WLS comes into play b/c of having to buy new clothes a lot more often than I used to) b) it's not like he's not eating at all or lethargic or visibly sick or whining all the time c) I sometimes feel like vets push you into doing unnecessary tests b/c I've heard about the pressure to do that at some vet clinics. So, I feel like a horrible doggie mom. Am I putting his health in jeopardy b/c of my needs/feelings/wants? Or, like the last few times we've done tests, are they going to come back with inconclusive information that yields little to no results subsequently resulting in nothing being done for him? I'm leaning toward keeping an eye on him to see how the eating thing changes and to see if anything else crops up, but it still bothers me that I feel my decision is being influenced by the cost.

Kayaking was awesome!

2006-05-10T15:58:00.000-04:00

We had our first kayaking class last night. It was held at one of the pools on campus, so it was rather convenient. After getting outfitted with helmets (to protect our heads from flying paddles and the sides of the pool), life-jackets, kayak skirts and kayaks, they helped us into our kayaks in the pool. There were 3 instructors and 10 students ranging from college-aged to a few in their 40s. I'm very thankful for the skirt part of my bathing suit as all of the other women there were rather fit, so having the skirt there covering my upper thighs was fabulous. Anyhoo, they had us begin in the kayaks without our kayak skirts attached so that if we were to dump (fall over into the water w/ the kayak ending up upside down) we'd just fall out. I felt pretty comfortable in the kayak and decently handled the first fall (intended) into the water. Although, I wouldn't say I enjoyed it!

After pulling our kayaks back out of the water, they showed us how to attach our skirts to the kayak (dang was it difficult!) by stretching it over the lip of the kayak. Then, they taught us the procedure for releasing ourselves from the kayak in the case of a dump (lean forward, hit the bottom of the kayak 3 times with our hands, find the rim of the kayak opening with our hands, run them along the edge until the pull tab is found, pull the tab out and up to remove the skirt from the kayak lip, then pull ourselves out of the kayak as though we were pulling off a pair of pants). Once we all had that down, it was time to get back in the water to try it out one-by-one. I'd already mentioned my issues (fear of deep water and claustrophobia) to the instructors, so while others were doing their successful dumps, one of the instructors not in the water was trying to psych me up for it. It finally became my turn (because there was no one else left!), so I got in the kayak. The instructor told me to take my time, and trust me, I did. I took quite a few deep breaths and then forced myself over. After slapping the bottom of the kayak w/ my hands 3 times, I panicked and forgot what to do! I was completely freaked out! I at least had enough composure to hit the kayak again, and the instructor had me righted within a second or two. And, then I broke down. I was breathing very heavily, crying and just completely falling apart. My husband came over to me while the instructor did his best to calm me down. He told me it wasn't a big deal, was completely natural and was ok if I didn't want to do it (b/c I was hysterically saying I couldn't do it). I honestly don't remember what my husband said (if anything), but just the way he looked at me and held my hand gave me so much strength. I told the instructor I wanted to try it again (albeit a little more progressively), and he agreed. He also suggested I try it with goggles on so that it would be a little less disorienting. So, he had me do the dump again w/out the skirt attached. That was again fine, so next, he had me attach the skirt. But, instead of trying to get myself out of the skirt, he had me stay under water as long as I could tolerate it, and then when I was ready (signaled by hitting the kayak with my hands), he flipped me up. I did that maybe 3 times, and then moved on to the next step, I went through the motions of the extrication process underwater and then had him flip me back up when I was ready. I felt comfortable with that after a couple of times and felt ready to try the full process again myself. I got it on the first try and completely without panicking! I did it 2 more times feeling more and more comfortable with it, and even when I had a little more difficult time removing the skirt from the kayak I didn't panic.

The rest of the class had moved on to learning to paddle and trying it out through a game, so I took a quick break for some nuts and water. By the time I finished my snack and got a quick lesson on paddling, the rest of the class was ready for a break themselves. So, at that time, I got in the kayak and tried out paddling for myself. I found myself turning a bit even though I was trying to go straight, but it didn't take too long to figure that out ... for the most part. I even let myself paddle into the deep end, and while the first trip down resulted in my typical feelings of wanting to get back to the shallow end as quickly as possible, I got over it after just a few minutes. The rest of the class got back in the water, and we played another game where we did our best to stay in one end of the pool (thankfully, the shallow end!:) without hitting any of the other kayaks with the area in which we were to stay decreased in size every few minutes. I did ok with this game and thankfully didn't dump. They then had us get rid of our paddles so as to play kayak basketball. The instructors pondered how to split us up into teams, and visions of being the last one picked flashed through my mind. (Yes, I was typically the last one picked in school when it came to athletic events.) They decided to split us up by the color of our kayaks, so I ended up on the team opposite my husband. I figured my teammates were thinking to themselves how unlucky they were to get me (and I didn't blame them) as we were receiving our instructions. We began at the opposite end of the pool from our baskets (the deep end; ack!) and then had to make our way down the pool making sure the ball was touched by each team member before making a shot. I don't remember many of the details of the game ... except that I (yes, me!) scored at least 3 baskets!!! And, I always sucked at basketball! And, not only did I score multiple baskets, I didn't dump. I will admit that I wasn't overly aggressive at making my way up and down the pool, but I didn't just stay in one spot either. Oh, and not only did my team make about 5 or 6 baskets, the other team didn't even make one!! So, yeah, I felt pretty good about myself.

Unfortunately, in my attempt to gracefully exit the kayak (without dumping myself first), I didn't hold onto the side of the pool and flipped myself over. My right leg got stuck, so I now have a lovely knot about the size of a baseball on my leg just below my knee.

Our next class is on Saturday on the lake (another fear to overcome!), so we'll be wearing wetsuits, etc. b/c of the cold temp of the lake (50 degreesish). I'm still a bit fearful, but I'm looking forward to it!

Weight update: I'm at 148.0 lbs and have been sitting here for what seems like forever. It's a pound lost, so I'm happy. But, as usual, it's so close to 147 it's frustrating too.

I'm utterly exhausted because of all of the things I've been doing over the past week or so: recovering from the UTI on Friday; 3 1/2 mile hike on Saturday; gardening all day (literally!) on Sunday; work, gardening and the elliptical on Monday; kayaking for about 3 hours on Tuesday! So, I'm thinking I may be a bum tonight. We'll see!

Yeah, I guess you could say that ...

2006-05-06T21:44:00.000-04:00

I'm doing much better! Love those drugs! The pain/burning is almost all entirely gone, and there's no more visible blood. Yippie! I even felt good enough to take a hike today, one of nearly 3 1/2 miles over a 600' elevation change. Thankfully, we did the climb upward first, and while we didn't push it really hard and took minor rests here and there to look at the scenery, I had no issues whatsoever! I just continue to be thoroughly and completely amazed by this. I am, by far, in the best shape of my adult life and am just so thrilled! Oh, and tomorrow my landlady's going to be bringing over about 15 or so gallon-sized perennials that I'm going to be planting ... once I get all of the weeding and bed prep complete. I am so looking forward to it! Thanks again for all of your positive thoughts and well wishes! I wouldn't wish a UTI on anyone and now feel extremely badly about my dog having had one at least 3 times. I mean, he can't really tell me how badly it's hurting. The poor baby!

UTI follow-up

2006-05-05T17:29:00.000-04:00

The doctor confirmed it last night; I do indeed have a urinary tract infection. Yeah me! :P She put me on some anti-bacterial drug for 5 days/2 times a day. Unfortunately, it really screws up my med taking schedule b/c it can only be taken 2 hours before or 6 hours after iron and multi-vitamins. But, to clear it up, I'll deal. I'm telling you, that was some of the worst pain I've ever felt! Not as serious as the post-surgery pain, but dang, was that rough! And, there was so much blood, I swear, I started thinking I was bleeding internally from something else! Thankfully, after the 2 pills I've taken, I'm doing much, much better! I'm just so glad the meds worked that quickly! Oh, and the doc did recommend 100% cranberry juice, and b/c of it being 100% cranberry, the sugar wasn't all that bad, 9 grams in 8 oz. So, I diluted 4 oz. w/ water and drank away. Not my choice of yummy, but if it will help, I'll drink it! Thanks for your well wishes and suggestions! Have a great weekend all!

There's this burning sensation ...

2006-05-04T15:43:00.000-04:00

I do believe I have an effing urinary tract infection. Dangit! I've never had one before, but from what I can gather, the symptoms, burning sensation when peeing; feeling like I need to go all the time; and now blood in my urine, are classic. Yippie! Just what I need. NOT! I did hear back from my general doc today about my blood test results; all normal. Good, I know, but it doesn't explain the foot cramps. And, on the same thread, I also heard about my fasting glucose and insulin results from my GYN's nurse today. Glucose is 81 (up a little from December's 77 but still in the low, normal range) and insulin is 6.8 (also in the low, normal range, but no # from December to compare to). So, we'll see if the doc wants to keep me on the 4mg/day of Avandia or not. I'm guessing so. Bummer!

I've lost fat and years!

2006-05-03T16:08:00.000-04:00

I realized something today. The fat I was carrying around made me mentally and emotionally older. We all know carrying around an extra person makes you age faster physically, and because of society's stigma against fat people, it affects us emotionally. But, what I realized today is that it made me feel as though I had to act older too. I mean, I felt like I would be accepted less than I already was if I was behaving too "young" or immaturely. You know, "what does she think she's doing?!" But, now that I'm thinner (i.e. a "normal") person, I feel like it's ok to act cute, young, etc. I'm not saying I want to behave that way all the time, but I guess what I'm saying is I can use the ability to act "cute" to my advantage if needed ... say in trying to get out of a speeding ticket or something. (No, I've not had the occasion to try that out!) But, it's there if I need it, right?

It stuck!

2006-05-02T10:05:00.000-04:00

I am officially in the 140s (149.2) as of today! Yippie! As usual given my close proximity to 148.x, I would have liked more (b/c I'm greedy!), but I'm happy with this past week's 2lb loss! No word on the blood results yet; they tend to be a little slow about getting back to me once they've received results.

My new bathing suit arrived yesterday. The top is exactly what I was looking for in terms of support. And, because it's a tankini, it is a little forgiving of the various bumps in the abdominal area. The bottom is a bit on the tight side across the derriere, but it's not uncomfortable. And, I think it will be best going forward. That being said, I'd likely be very uncomfortable with it right now without the skirt. The skirt is sooo awesome! It covers just about all of my really uncomfortable areas; although, the area just above my mid-thigh has this odd crease in it that isn't covered by the skirt. But, considering what it does cover, I'll have to deal. I'm curious, though, about what it will look like once it gets wet. Is it going to just "suck" onto my legs? I sure hope not! Depending upon my mood, I may post a pic of me in it for you guys. The way I look at it is if I'm willing to show myself in it to people I "know" why the heck not share it with the world, right? I mean, y'all will be less critical, right? ;)

Oh, and I've decided to do something that confirms I must be insane! My sister's talked me into doing the Nike Women's Half Marathon in October 2007! I'm not a runner, so there are a few factors that have helped me decide to do it. 1) It's in San Francisco, and I LOVE San Francisco! 2) It's specifically tailored toward women with the "chocolate mile", pedicure and massage stations and a special finisher necklace designed by Tiffany. 3) I have over a year to train/prepare for it. 4) And, the biggest reason I'm willing to do it: they are ok with people walking most of it! So, I know I can do it! I'm hoping to start a Landscape Architecture program in the fall of 2007, so who knows where I'll be living at the time. But, since it's on a weekend, it shouldn't matter. I'm very excited about it!

2nd to last ...

2006-04-30T20:21:00.000-04:00

personal milestone. I bought a pair of size 8 jeans from Eddie Bauer today! Woo-hoo! I can not believe I'm in a size 8; that is just toooo unbelievable for me!

I thought of this good one today: you know you've had WLS when instead of fast food bags empty water bottles litter your car.

I'd like to exchange this please ...

2006-04-29T16:21:00.000-04:00

I went to my regular doctor yesterday because I've been having these horribly debilitating foot cramps. What's odd about them is that they only occur in my right foot, and it seems to only happen on the same night I do the elliptical. They're awful! I can usually feel one coming on, so I've gotten a little better at stopping them. But, when they do, oh, man! My entire foot locks up with my big toe pointing downward, the other toes kind of crunching up and the entire foot just throbbing in pain! And, what's most horrible about them is they tend to come in multiples! So, I'll get rid of one only to have another one come on. So, anyways, I was afraid they might be due to a nutritional deficiency, so I wanted to have it checked out. One piece of good news, my blood pressure was 104/61! (I never had high enough blood pressure to be put on medication, but it was always on the high side of normal.) So, yippie! He checked out the foot, listened to what I had to say and then ordered some bloodwork. I'll let you know how it comes out.

Unofficially, I am 149.2 lbs today! I say unofficially b/c I shouldn't be weighing myself every day, but lately, I've been unable from keeping myself from doing it each morning before I get in the shower. So, we'll see what it is on Tuesday. Going to the doctor, though, helped me come to the realization about why 149 lbs is significant for me. When I stepped on the scale, the nurse put the first weight at the 100 lb mark, but I told her I was at 150 on my home scale. So, she had to move it up to the 150 lb mark instead. So, even though the upper weight will have to be all the way at the end of the scale, that lower one will be at 100 lbs as of today! Woo-hoo!!!

It is an absolutely amazing day here today, so my husband and I drove to Watkins Glen to go to the state park. Unfortunately, the gorge trail was closed still, but we were able to find one of the upper trails that afforded us some views of the gorge. There were some rather steep parts of the trail, and I greeted them with joy. Seriously. I know I've said it before, but I still can't get over what a joy it is to do these things now. I can't imagine my life without them, and I don't know why I chose to live without them for so long. Here's a pic of me after having gone about 3/4 the way up the trail. I've been feeling really good about myself lately, and I hope it shows. Oh, and speaking of small achievements: I went to lunch with some of my co-workers yesterday, and when we were ready to go, I stopped by another table where my husband and a few of his co-workers were eating. My co-workers went on ahead, so by the time I was finished talking w/ my husband and his co-workers, mine were way ahead. I didn't want to walk back to my office by myself, so I made the decision to run to catch up with them. It was only about a 1/2 block that I ran, but it felt so truly good. Not so much the running part but the fact that I could run and easily. And, I ordered a new bathing suit yesterday! Our first kayaking class is May 9th, so I wanted to make sure I had something before then. I figured I'd need to order a large, but after comparing my actual measurements to their size guide, it came out to a medium! Yeah! I'm so hoping that the $125 investment will be useful next year too! It's a very cute wrap tankini top, a pretty standard bottom and a skirt to go on top when I'm not wearing the wetsuit for kayaking (the wetsuit's gonna be scary!). Hopefully, I'm not too hideous in it!

One more down and 16 to go!

2006-04-25T15:09:00.000-04:00

Sure, I would have rather have lost more (especially since I was down to 150 on Saturday but back up to 151 on Sunday), but I'll take the one. It's much better than nothing! Could I be satisfied with where I'm at right now? Probably, but I really want more. I'd really like there to be less fat available to spread within my loose skin when I sit down. I truly am pleased with how my abdominal area looks when I'm standing ... even when naked, and I'm beginning to like how my legs look again when standing. But, sitting is an entirely different matter! Yes, I know it could be worse, but the spread is just too much when there aren't clothes constricting it! (And, of course, I "discovered" it at a most inopportune time, with, shall I say, my husband around!) Unfortunately, with the goal of going back to school full-time in the near future, I just can't justify spending money for plastic surgery! So, I've just got to lose the last 16 lbs; then, maybe, I'll be able to deal with the naked, sitting me.

I'm happy to report that I've finally learned to eat (and like!) cottage cheese! It's just so the perfect food that I've been trying to get myself to eat it for a long time. Thankfully, I discovered I can tolerate it by getting Breakstone's Cottage Doubles. Fourteen grams of protein per serving! And, by taking just tiny bites of the fruit with the cottage cheese, I'm not getting all of the sugar! Yippie! Unfortunately, though, I've also discovered I like coffee but only in non-fat, sugar free vanilla latte form, so it's freaking expensive! I've _never_ been a coffee drinker, so this is surprising for me! So many of my tastes have changed since surgery, but I'll still never eat a raw tomato. Yucko!

Skewed Perception

2006-04-21T14:25:00.000-04:00

I set up a videoconference today (a pretty normal part of my job), but what was different today was that I had the outgoing video projected on the side screen. This screen is probably 6'x6', so when I went to the lectern to set up things there, I got to see myself in a very large format. I swear I jumped when I saw myself! (Thankfully, none of the participants had arrived yet.) Sure, I see myself every day, but it's typically in the same old mirrors. And, it's a reflection not a large, projected image! I couldn't believe that skinny person looking at me, was me! Mind you, I have a completely different opinion of myself when looking at a naked me, so I guess that's where my skewed perception likely stems from. But, given that there are only a select few who get to (or must) see me naked, I guess I should strive to base my opinion of myself in clothes. And, as such, I also recommend to others of you out there on your way downward to expose yourself (not indecently, though!) to different mirrors (and on video, if possible) as often as possible. It can really help you see yourself more accurately!

Normal

2006-04-18T10:47:00.000-04:00

Today, I am normal. Well, normal according to the CDC's Adult BMI Calculator, at least. This is a pretty significant achievement for me. Yes, I know it's just a determination from the government, but it's nice to be in the range of normalcy. Most of my life, I've actually striven at not being "normal". In middle school, for example, I started wearing a ribbon in my hair, and as soon as a bunch of other girls started doing the same, I stopped. I paint my toenails odd colors; they're currently an aqua-green. I prefer to be unique and have changed my style if it becomes the norm. But, in this regard, I'm thrilled to be normal!

Now, I've got 3 more milestones: under 150 lbs (b/c 150 still seems "overweight" to me), size 8 pants and my goal weight of 135 lbs. I'm now just 3 lbs from 149 lbs, my size 10 pants are starting to become a little loose and I'm just 17 lbs from my goal. Not much further ... to get me to what may be one of the biggest challenges yet, maintaining!

Happy Easter!

2006-04-16T17:20:00.000-04:00

My husband went to my parents' church with me today. I asked him to about a week ago, and happily he agreed. At the end of the service, we were waiting in the vestibule for a couple with a baby that I wanted to see to come out of the sanctuary when one of the women who's noticed my weight loss all along says, "You're looking so fantastic! (to me) Then, it must be so different now; you've been married to two different women! (to my husband)" And, despite being a bit uncomfortable about being in church showing off the cleavage my dress creates, I felt really good in my dress. Other than my wedding gown (and dress), the last time I wore a dress was for my sister-in-law's high school graduation in 2000. The dress was a size 22 (I still have it), and I wore a sweater over it. The sweater you see behind the sweater I wore today in fact. The dress difference is even more dramatic, but I didn't want to get dog fur all over it as it's white and I'm going to try to sell it at the consignment shop. It was just so nice wearing a dress and feeling really good about it.

After church, we went to my parents' house where my mom had ham and scalloped potatoes cooking in the oven. I made lemon-pepper green beans and brought the Strawberry Swirl Frozen Pie featured in last week's Living After WLS Recipe Newsletter. I ate four very thin slices of ham, about a 1/4 cup of the green beans and a 1/4 cup of the potatoes. Then came the pie. It was really, really good! And, I was good and had just 1/16th of the pie, the correct WLS portion. In all a very nice Easter. I hope y'all had a good one too!

Had a bad ... day? week? Arghhh!

2006-04-11T18:32:00.000-04:00

Well, it's officially happened. Not only did I not lose anything this past week I gained a pound. :( I started out the week well and even lost a pound early on and up until this morning I'd maintained my weight, but when I stepped on the scale this morning, it read 155. Dangit! I could give myself lots of excuses: I got my period on Sunday, so it's water weight; I've been stressed out over a work issue, so it's stress related; I did a lot of things in the evenings last week (which for the social life is good), so I didn't have as much time to work out; but what it comes down to is that I was too lax with myself. I noshed at a few jelly beans left over from my nieces' Easter baskets, I convinced myself that a night time snack was ok even though I wasn't that hungry, I let my social activities get in the way of the exercise I need to do, I didn't drink enough water. Am I being hard on myself? Sure! But, I need to be in order to keep myself going in the right direction. I want to get to my goal weight! I must get to my goal weight! I know I can get to my goal weight! I'm not saying I'm always going to be perfect b/c I know I won't be, but I can't let myself have so many excuses. Updating my ticker upward sucks big time!!

The Dr. Is In

2006-04-08T16:19:00.000-04:00

Had 2 doctor appointments this past Wednesday. The first was w/ the nurse practitioner at my surgeon's office; I've been having some pain for about 2 weeks in the lower-left abdominal area, and since I was going up there to see the gynecologist anyway, I got myself an appointment. I was a little disappointed in that the person who brought me back to the exam room didn't ask to weigh me and then even more disappointed because I waited over a half hour from my appointment time for the nurse practitioner to come in to see me. Once she finally came in (and I let her know she needed to be quick b/c I had another appointment at a different hospital in less than a half hour), she pushed, poked, prodded and even thwacked me to see if she could produce the pain. It doesn't hurt all the time, and it feels as though someone is pulling on something in there when it happens. So, she decided to order a CT scan to see if she could determine if it's an adhesion, hernia or something going on with the cysts on my ovaries. Thankfully, she was fine w/ me scheduling it down here so that I don't have to go back up there again.

I was only about 10 minutes late for my 2nd appointment, and it ended up that the doctor was running behind too (big surprise, huh?!). We talked about how I've been feeling since she lowered my Avandia dosage, if I've had any more of my weakness spells and about the pain I've been having. She agreed w/ the course of the CT scan for the pain and asked that she be appraised of the results as well. She was very pleased with my weight loss and even said that she didn't think I needed to lose anymore; although, she didn't think it was so bad when I told her I wanted to lose 19 more. She even said that she had a few other patients w/ PCOS who'd had the surgery and she felt I'd been the most successful. That was really nice to hear. She's going to have me do another fasting blood draw to determine what my fasting glucose and insulin levels are to see if she's willing to have me STOP taking Avandia! Yippie! It's only 1 pill a day, but to cut anything out would be awesome! And when I mentioned the kayaking, she said that was a great activity as the latest research shows that patients with PCOS/insulin resistance have better luck reducing the insulin resistance with increased muscle mass, so that's very cool!

After leaving the hospital, I decided to do a little shopping before going to my haircut appointment. I found 2 shirts, 2 pairs of capris and 2 very pretty camis at Eddie Bauer for less than $100! And, the shirts are a Medium! Although, one of the pairs of pants is a 12; I'll never get why it is sizes within a brand vary so much.

Then came the trauma. After the person was finished cutting and styling my hair, she handed me a mirror so I could see the back after she spun me around. Almost immediately upon seeing the back of my hair, I felt the tears welling up. I could really see my scalp though my hair. I felt really badly because the person cutting my hair wasn't the normal person I see, so she knew nothing about me. And, on top of that, she's pregnant, so I'm sure her emotions are all out of whack. It just really hit me because I don't normally look at the back of my head, and with all the bright, overhead lights it made it really obvious. It truly sucks, but would I give myself more hair in exchange for the 120lbs I've lost? NO WAY!!

So, on the way home, I stopped at an outlet mall because I was in search of a dress (yes, a dress) for Easter. I found an absolutely gorgeous (on sale!) one at J Crew. I'll have someone take a pic of me in it to show you! I just can't believe I'm happy (much less willing) to be seen in a dress, and it's a size 10 to boot! Oh, and when I asked the sales person if they had a white sweater to wear with it (because I fear it may still be a little chilly next weekend, and the dress has just spaghetti straps), she asked what size, a Medium? I loved it!

Tonight the hubby and I are going out with friends from NYC who are in town for the weekend, and tomorrow we have tickets to see Franz Ferdinand and Death Cab For Cutie! I can't wait!!

It's Great, to be, a Florida Gator!

2006-04-03T23:39:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to my Florida Gators, 2006 NCAA Men's Basketball Champions!!! They kicked butt, 73-57! Man, what a game!

And, check out my ticker! Three pounds lost this week, so I'm down to 154 lbs. That's a total of 120 lbs lost, 2 lbs from a "normal" BMI and only 19 lbs to go to goal! Yippie!

Hiking renewed

2006-04-03T16:27:00.000-04:00

My husband and I went hiking both Saturday and Sunday this past weekend. Hiking is something I grew up doing with my parents when we lived in Washington. Once we left Washington, we typically hiked while on vacation during the summers, but once I went away to college, the hiking pretty much stopped. I'd always enjoyed it, but it got to be too difficult ... so much so that it was no longer enjoyable. I have some nice hiking boots that my parents got me in about 1992, and during one of my many moves, I was ready to throw them out. I said it was because they'd sat unused for so many years and had been in the garage so they were covered in dirt and who knows what else. But, my husband suggested I keep them. I don't recall thinking this at the time I wanted to throw them out, but I suspect now that I wanted to throw them out because they reminded me of what I could no longer do. And, I figured I'd never be able to use them again. Thankfully, my husband prevailed, and they were kept. So, when we decided to go hiking Saturday, I was happy to find them, clean them up a little and put them on.

Saturday's hike was around 2.5 miles with varying terrain. Then, yesterday's was about 1.5 miles over much more uneven terrain with one section being a choice between a very narrow corner next to a drop-off or a very steep slope. I have had balance issues over the past years due to my weight, and even though I know my balance should be much better now, I still feared the narrow corner. But, with a little coaxing from my husband I did it, and the traverse back was easier. The amazing thing for me was that I could do it all with relative ease, and with the exception of minor leg soreness today, I'm absolutely fine. And, that makes me so glad ... not only because I was able to return to something I used to enjoy because I've lost the weight but because I know that had I not been doing the elliptical and other exercise all along the hikes wouldn't have been as easy (and thoroughly enjoyable) as they were.

I also had a moment of realization with my husband yesterday. I _know_ that I'm smaller than him now, but I'd been bigger than him for so long that my brain just automatically thinks that. So, I decided to try on one of his T-shirts, one that fits him rather snugly, and it was completely baggy on me!!! I think it also hit him with this as well. It's just one of those unconscious things that it takes something like that to smack you in the face. I liked it a lot.

Evoking memories of California

2006-03-31T18:37:00.000-05:00

Immediately upon arriving home today, I threw open 3 windows to let in fresh air. Then, an idea hit me. I should grill something for dinner! Luckily, I had 2 tenderloin steaks in my freezer. So, after thawing them in the microwave (typically a horrible idea, but I was grilling in beautiful weather and I didn't care!), I poured my favorite marinade over them and let them sit for an hour. I got the grill out of the garage (all by myself!) and fired it up! When those steaks hit the grill they sizzled frantically. It's such an awesome sound (when it's the first time grilling after a long, cold winter)! I also "made" Green Giant niblets corn w/ no sauce. Some sort of grilled meat and niblets corn was a big staple of our house when we lived in California, so with the combination of the weather, the open windows and the grilled steak and niblets, it felt like I was back in California. It's odd. I have such good memories of living in California, but I don't seem to from living here. Maybe it's that it's been over 3 years since I left California, so the memories are stronger because I'm out of the situation. I don't know. I just know it felt really good ... although something was missing.

Glorious Sunshine!!

2006-03-31T13:58:00.000-05:00

Hubby and I decided we needed to take advantage of the fabulous 70°, sunny weather today, so we made our way down to the area in town that just teems with college students any 'ole time of day. But given the temperature and sunshine, it was even more of a zoo than it normally is on a Friday afternoon. So, not only did we get to soak in some sunshine, we also got in some fantastic people watching! Now, I don't think I'm the best-dressed person on the planet or anything, and I certainly don't follow all of the latest trends. But, holy cow! Were there some interesting outfits out there today! Is the 80s, like a virgin Madonna look back in? This one woman was wearing so much lace,jewelry and ruffley things that I wasn't sure what she was going for; all I know is it was horrid! Another bonus of the trip? I'm wearing my teenie, white t-shirt today (yes, because of the copious sunshine), and woo-whee were the college boys eyeing me! One even turned and stared right at me as he walked by, and there's me eating my 1/2 sandwich sitting right next to my husband. (Although, no one would have known that; neither of us was wearing our wedding rings!) Yeah, I can handle this weight loss thing; it had better just keep on going, though!

Philly, Part 2

2006-03-30T17:57:00.000-05:00

Ok, where was I? Oh, right, Sunday. What food is quintessential Philly? Philly Cheesesteaks, of course! We'd spent a bunch of money on dinner and the club the night before, so cheap was looking mighty attractive. We found one of the places that natives like the best and put ourselves at the end of a line of about 25 people. The smell of the cheesesteaks hit me as soon as the door opened, and I knew I was being really bad. But, upon reaching the front of the line where you order with the cook, I discovered he'd been using the same spatula to chop up the meat and scoop out mushrooms from a giant can; therefore, the cheesesteaks were a no go for me. Lucky for me! I probably would have ended up feeling horribly anyway! So, I ended up with a turkey hoagie (w/out the oil). We spent the rest of the night in front of the TV in the hotel watching my Florida Gators beat Villanova to reach the Final Four. Go Gators!

We woke up Monday morning with plans to go to the Down Home Diner in the Reading Terminal Market. I'd heard about this place on some Food Network show and was looking forward to the Southern style cuisine. I had eggs (which ended up being runny; yuck!), turkey sausage, grits, a biscuit and home fries. Because of the state of the eggs, I didn't eat more than a bite of them but finished the sausage and had a few bites of the grits, a bite of the biscuit and maybe 3 bites of potato. I felt horribly wasteful, but I knew there was no way I could or should eat all of that food.

We said goodbye to Philly for Kennett Square, PA and Longwood Gardens. I'd heard about Longwood Gardens years ago and had been wanting to visit for years. Thankfully, the hubby was amenable to the idea. I stepped one foot into the door of the conservatory (not much is blooming outdoors yet) and knew I was in heaven. I took 84 pictures in about 2 hours! I could have spent hours and hours there, but I knew we needed to get on the road. They had walls of orchids, for crying out loud! And, on the way out, I just had to stop in the gift shop. I picked out a magnet and two plants ... right up my alley!

We were almost ready to make our way homeward, but we had one more stop, Chick-fil-a! I ate about 3/4 of a chicken sandwich. I figured I'm not doing it very often, so it won't kill me to do it. Although, the scale wasn't kind to me Tuesday morning.

Oh, wait, one last stop, my parents' house to pick up the doggie. And, despite earlier plans not to be present, the hubby came with me and we chatted with my parents for a little while before finally heading home.

I had a fantastic time, and although I wasn't the best about making all the right food choices, I don't regret those that I did make. I was able to live the weekend to its fullest and enjoy myself without feeling guilty. I just didn't go beyond the limits I knew I had and listened to my stomach. On Tuesday morning, the scale did give me an 8/10 of a pound loss (my first week without at least a full pound), but since then, it's been creeping upward, the wrong direction dangit! So, now I'm back to my weight of last week, and I've been eating well. What's up with that?!

Oh Philly!

2006-03-29T19:52:00.000-05:00

What a fabulous 3 days! We left NY somewhere around 9:30am on Saturday and made our way down to my parents' to drop off the doggie. They weren't there (as they were making their way back home from a vacation of their own that day), so I hated leaving him. But, it's a lot better than putting him in a kennel; I just can't put our 13-year-old baby in a kennel anymore. Anyhoo, our plan was to stop on our way into Philly at King of Prussia to try and get lunch at Cheesecake Factory, but as the wait was over 70 minutes, we decided to go to California Pizza Kitchen instead. We shared their Tuscan hummus appetizer and Chipotle Chicken pizza. Yummy! Then, because of time, we skipped going to the Philadelphia Museum of Art (bad!) so that I could go to the Mini Cooper dealer near Philly. I want one so badly! Can't you just see me tooling around in it?! Although, we didn't spend more than a half hour there as I just wanted to sit in one and grab a brochure to drool over, so we really didn't skip the museum for the Mini dealer. :)

After leaving the Mini dealer (I had to be drug away), we made our way downtown to our hotel, The Loews Philadelphia. It was rather busy at the time we arrived, and the hotel parking garage was full. So, while I got us checked in, the hubby parked the car at another lot a couple of blocks away. I have this issue with creating such anticipation and expectation when I'm looking forward to something that I usually end up disappointed, so I was a little bit trepidatious. I was in no way disappointed with our room! It was a corner-room on the 20th floor with windows facing both City Hall and the north side of the city.
We had dinner reservations at 6:30pm, and there was a little shopping I wanted to do before dinner. So, We left the hotel shortly after arriving and getting changed. Dinner was at Susanna Foo, and oh, my gosh! I had filet mignon medallions served with bok choy, fingerling potatoes and other Asian vegetables in a Szechuan sauce. It was by far the best food we've had outside of San Francisco, and that includes NYC! Oh, and dessert! I don't even fully remember what it was, but it was just perfect! Some sort of mousse enrobed in a lime and chocolate shell served with a small mound of lime sorbet, lychees and raspberry sauce. Yummmmyyy!!!

After walking back to the hotel after dinner, we changed again for our planned outing to a local dance club, Denim Lounge. While I'd been feeling quite good about myself earlier once I changed into what I'd brought to wear to the club, I began feeling self-conscious. So, before hailing a cab to take us to the club, we found our way into the hotel's restaurant/lounge for a drink. I ordered my traditional Cosmopolitan and planned on sipping it very carefully. Let's just say by the time we were ready to leave I was beyond buzzed. So, once we arrived at the club I was feeling rather pleasant and not so self-conscious. What my fear stemmed from most was that from what we'd read the club was a bit upscale, so I feared we'd be turned away ... based on how I looked. I know I shouldn't have been self-conscious about it, so that's why I plied myself before going with the Cosmo. We got in without incident (after paying $10 for me and $20 for the hubby), and I had him get me another Cosmo. The DJ was fantastic, and within 15 minutes I was dancing (drink in hand). I hadn't been dancing in years, and even before WLS I wasn't much of a drinker. So, with the help of the Cosmo, I developed a bit more confidence, and by the time we left, we were dancing with each other quite raucously. It felt fantastic! Happily, we caught a cab upon stepping foot out the door, and after drinking as much water as I could after returning to the hotel, I crashed quite hard.

Amazingly, I woke the next morning somewhere around 7:30am and had a very strong desire to go to the gym. (Yes, I must be insane!) But, yeah, no hangover! So, after leisurely dressing and eating a Kashi bar, I headed downstairs to the hotel gym. I first tried their elliptical, and I must say it was the crappiest thing I've ever used! Yes, I'm spoiled by my Precor elliptical, but for crying out loud I could barely move on the thing! So, I got off within 2 minutes and chose a treadmill instead. That thing was annoying as well, but I at least got 35 minutes in despite my tennis shoes scraping at my right ankle causing it to bleed. After the gym, showering and getting ready, we booked it (quite literally) 10 blocks east where we had brunch reservations, Cuba Libre, because we got away a bit late; we made it in less than 20 minutes, and I wasn't sweating profusely by the time we got there. Yippie! I had their Ropa Hash which is finely chopped beef brisket ropa vieja tossed with minced scallions, potatoes and hot peppers. Topped with two eggs any style and accompanied by grilled scallion flat bread. I didn't eat anywhere near all of it, but man did I enjoy what I had! Oh, and I saw someone's fabulous Marc Jacobs coat which I'm now on a quest to find! If I ever find it, though, I'll probably never be able to afford it. :P

After brunch we had plans to stay in the Old City and visit some of the historical sites. After picking up tickets for Independence Hall, we visited the Liberty Bell (that's hubby on the right) and the buildings surrounding Independence Hall. So, I know I've spent a lot more time on describing food and clubbing, but what more can I say about these sites other than that it was rather amazing to be in the places where such pivotal events took place so long ago. It was incredible!

All right, this post is already monumental, and I'm beyond tired. So, I'll just have to finish the rest another night. More to come!

9 Months, 1 Week

2006-03-21T11:35:00.000-05:00

Despite no movement on the scale every time I checked previously, I lost a pound between yesterday and today. Yeah! So, that puts me down a total of 117 lbs leaving me only 22 lbs from my goal. The ladybug is getting closer and closer to the end of that chain of flowers on my ticker; I honestly can't believe how close I am to my goal! And, while I hadn't officially set a goal of reaching my goal weight by my 1 year anniversary, I am doing that now. So, that gives me two months and 3 weeks to lose 22 lbs. And, that means I need to lose an average of 2 lbs per week instead of this piddle little 1 pound a week, difficult, yes. But, I don't think it's impossible ... at least I hope not. :) I'm really curious about what size I'll be at my goal weight (without having any plastic surgery, that is). As I think I've said before, there's not much left to lose on my upper body, but there's a lot of room for improvement in my lower body! As of yesterday, I'm wearing a 10 in Eddie Bauer pants and a 12 in Old Navy/Gap pants. Although, I'm sure it also depends on the style within a brand. So, if I manage to lose the 22 lbs to get me to my goal AND most of what I lose comes off the lower body, will I be at an 8 or (gasp) a SIX? Even though I'm close, that's just unfathomable to me!

My husband is staying with me this week, and despite a rocky start (he went out with friends and stayed out until almost 2am!), I think it's going well. I guess I've gotten used to him not being there somewhat. There are daily living things (bathroom time, listening to NPR while getting ready, etc.) that must change with him there, but they're all things I'm willing to change in order to have him there. And, we're going to Philadelphia this weekend; it's just a small trip to get away from our daily lives to give us more time to enjoy each other. I'm really looking forward to it.

And, I'll take this opportunity to answer a few questions I've received lately as I've been remiss. On the Landscape Architecture front, not a whole lot has been done. I met with one of the LA professors a while ago, and he offered to get contacts at universities I'm interested in pursuing for me. It took me a while to decide on which universities I'd like to begin this process at, but I gave him the names about a week ago. So, we'll see how that goes.

Regarding my post on kayaking, it was my idea to try it. I brought it up at least a month ago, and then when we were out at the state park last weekend it came to mind again. It was only in the counseling session the following Monday where he brought up the fear that I won't actually want to do things like that. I'm still afraid I won't be able to do it, and it is expensive. But, I'm leaning toward doing it. :)

Physical Activity

2006-03-18T18:27:00.000-05:00

I mentioned in a post last weekend how I'd gone to a state park with my husband and enjoyed the walk/hike to the falls and back. The following day at our 6th counseling session, he mentioned how he was pleasantly surprised by the ease with which I navigated the trail, but he was still afraid I haven't really changed regarding my desires for physical activity (despite mentioning while on that hike that I wanted to look into taking a kayaking class). He said that it's not that he doesn't think I am capable of a life filled with more physical activity but that his fears are most likely based on my sedentary history. I want to change that. As such, I've found a class that the university where I work offers in introductory sea kayaking. From the class website: "This introductory course is designed for enthusiastic beginners who wish to discover the magic of sea kayaking. Introductory evening lake sessions will cover equipment, safety, rescues, and basic strokes. This course culminates with a long weekend of touring. We'll cover equipment, navigation, strokes, considerations for overnight trips, camping and travel skills. Opportunities will be provided throughout the course to sample both single and tandem kayaks and gain boat skills and confidence." I've never done any "real" kayaking but enjoyed some time I spent in a basic kayak on a lake in Canada one summer, so I figured this class would be good to teach me some skills. But, I'm not entirely sure about it because it costs $264 and will take place in some very deep water. I don't understand why, but I have a fear of deep water. I did a lot of swimming as a child and have never had any kind of negative experience in deep water, but it scares the crap out of me. So, I'm struggling with the decision. Does my desire to learn more about kayaking win out over my fear of deep water? I don't know, and I'd hate to spend $264 to learn that it doesn't. But, if I don't try, I'll never know, right?

I did a little shopping today and decided to go to one of the local jewelers to find out what size my engagement/wedding rings are and to see what size my finger currently is. The rings are a size 6, and my finger is a 4 1/2 to a 5. So, she suggested a 5 so that when my fingers expand I'll still be able to get them off.

I also went to a store that I pass by a lot and have always wanted to go into. Unfortunately, the experience made me feel like I again weighed 274 lbs. None of the sales people said a word to me, a skirt that I liked had no size tag inside it and the largest size they had in a pair of jeans I liked was a 30 (I assumed this was inches?). So, I left the store not only empty handed but also dejected; not the type of shopping experience I need. Although, I really didn't need to spend any money, so I guess it was good I didn't find anything. But, I was hoping to find something nice for a trip to Philadelphia we're taking next weekend. Oh well!

Dragon Day!

2006-03-18T08:42:00.000-05:00

Picture compliments of my new Pink Motorola Razr (work got it for me). Not bad from from a camera phone, huh? Yesterday was Dragon Day on campus. What's Dragon Day, you say? Well, since 1901 there's been a tradition on campus where Freshmen Architecture students design a dragon which is paraded through campus on the last day before Spring Break. It's a huge tradition attended by not only students but also faculty, staff and locals. After making its way around campus, the dragon is taken into the middle of the arts quad where it is burned in a giant bonfire but only after the insane Architecture students dressed in any number of crazy costumes (yesterday, we saw a transformer, a shark with legs hanging out of his mouth and a doggie with his fur painted green) dance and run around the dragon. The significance of this story for me? Well, I've been at least a few times in past years, and despite the fact that it's usually cold during this time of year in upstate NY I'd usually find myself sweating, out of breath and wishing there was an easier way around campus while trying to follow the dragon and the mobs of people. But, not this year! I followed it around without any difficulty, and while walking back to my office with my husband (his building is right beside mine) I was leading him! Man, is that significant!

Is this dumping?

2006-03-17T14:59:00.000-05:00

Wednesday night my husband and I went to a small party. On the way to pick up my husband, I began feeling somewhat dizzy. At the time, I attributed it to strong winds moving the car so much that it disoriented me. Then, once I picked him up, it got worse. By the time we reached my friend's house, I was almost completely disoriented. I felt like I was burning up from the inside out, my brain felt like it was swimming inside my head and now, I can not remember crisp details of what occurred while trying to figure out where to park. All I know was that I felt like I wasn't inside my body but looking at myself from above. Then, once we made it inside, I felt like I used to after walking quickly somewhere in the middle of the summer; I was sweating profusely! I ate some Gouda cheese and crackers, and within 15 minutes or so, I felt pretty much back to normal. What's odd is that I had nothing to eat right before I left my house, and other than water and a sip of the sugar free Cosmopolitan I made for myself to bring with me, I hadn't had anything to eat since dinner at 5:30pm. If it was dumping, though, it means I've never dumped before!

9-Month WLS Anniversary

2006-03-14T21:42:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's been 9 months since surgery, but 9 months ago today I sat nervously waiting in the pre-op area wearing my WLS patient gown wondering what was in store for me. I expected changes but not this many. I could not be happier with my progress to date, and I will never regret the decision I made. The below pictures are from October 2005, January 2006 and today, respectively. I don't see a lot of change between January and today's pictures; although, I know it's there. Case in point? In January's pic, I'm wearing size 14 Vashon cut pants from Eddie Bauer. In today's pic, I'm wearing size 10! Vashon cut pants from Eddie Bauer! I bought these denim trousers a few weeks ago and couldn't even get them buttoned or zipped, but today they fit! (although a little tightly across the derriere).

My weight today is 158 lbs. I somehow gained 2 lbs during the week last week but managed to lose 3 lbs giving me a net loss of 1 pound, so my streak of having lost at least one pound every week since surgery is still intact! Yippie!

After seeing these pictures, I wasn't too thrilled with my butt, so I decided to try the gluteal course on the elliptical tonight. I've always done the weight loss course previously, and I've typically burned a little over 300 calories for 33 minutes. Well, I couldn't remember the exact time I did with the weight loss course, so when I selected the gluteal course and it defaulted to 45 minutes (without the 5 minute cool down), I decided to decrease it to 40 minutes b/c I knew I hadn't been doing 40 minutes. So, not only was the length longer, but the incline of the ramp ranged from 16 - 18! The maximum I previously did was only 10! And, while I'm not really feeling the effects on my butt just yet, I'm really feeling it in my calves, and I burned 402 calories! Woo-hoo! (Oh, and for those of you who may have noticed my right shoulder sitting up higher than my left, I'm not in pain or anything; I have scoliosis and my right shoulder sits higher than my left. But, good gosh! With my angular, bony shoulders, I really think I look like Frankenstein or something in the picture of my back! :P)

One of the biggest differences for me, though, is a mental one. I finally see myself as a "skinny" person ... most days. And, apparently, others are too. At the grocery store yesterday, there were a number of men very obviously checking me out. And, today, while walking across the courtyard between our buildings I noticed some of the construction workers watching me walk by them (I saw them in the reflection of the glass doors). What's odd is that it's been making me uncomfortable. I honestly don't know why; I mean, I'm flattered. But, I'm just not used to it at all, and I guess I'm still being self-conscious.

Only 23 pounds to go! I am amazed!

Fantastic Saturday ... and Sunday!

2006-03-12T18:39:00.000-05:00

Despite waking up at 7am Saturday morning (although I shouldn't complain since I went to bed at 9pm the night before), I had a very good day Saturday. After tending the doggie, eating breakfast, doing the elliptical and getting ready, I left the house on a quest to get some new PJs as all of the PJs I have that even remotely fit are flannels. I happily found a pair of Nick & Nora PJs on clearance at Target, and given the roominess of a size large pair I have of the same brand, I decided to buy a Medium. And, they fit, yippie!

It was a fabulous day outside (mid 50s) for upstate NY in March, so I got the itch for plants and stopped at a local greenhouse that's on the way home. I got a fabulous Staghorn Fern for the bathroom as well as an ET Fern, Maidenhair Fern and Tentacle Fern for various places around the house. (Can you tell I like ferns?) I was sooo happy to be buying plants; it's the first time in quite a while!

After getting home, I found my husband had called as we had plans to go to a local state park to take advantage of the fantastic day. We took the 3/4 mile trail to the base of the falls and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. It was so nice being outside in the (relatively) warm air and the sun. Having grown up camping all the time in the Pacific Northwest, I was at times reminded of my youth while walking the trail. And, while the trail was mostly flat, I greeted the few hills with aplomb. I look forward to the approaching spring and my new found ability to take advantage of all of the outdoor activities available in the area. I really just can't wait.

After leaving the park, we made our way to the grocery store to pick up the needed ingredients for the dinner Thai Steamed Chicken and Vegetables I planned on making. It turned out pretty well; although, the sauce wasn't completely to my taste. The chicken, however, was amazingly tender, juicy and flavorful.

Then, after dinner, we watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I'd seen it at the theater with my sister the weekend she was up here helping me make it through the weekend, so I didn't remember a whole lot about it. I enjoyed it; although, it's not my favorite of the 4 movies. Then, he stayed the night. :)

I went to my parents' this morning as I had an early birthday present to deliver to my dad. After church, I met my parents at the Texas Roadhouse, and after ordering, I presented my dad with the present. My dad is now the proud owner of a 30GB iPod w/ Video! (My sister got him the iPod, and I got him a case.) Part of my present to him was setting it all up, so I was at their house most of the afternoon. No, it doesn't actually take that long to set up an iPod, but I ripped about 6 CDs for him and wrote complete instructions for the whole process for my dad (as he tends to forget things until he's done them a million times).

Oh, and I took 6 more things to the consignment shop and found I had $59 waiting for me for previous things I'd taken!! Yeah!!! It was also very nice to hear the usually grumpy clerk tell me I have absolutely beautiful clothes and that they look forward to me bringing them in.

A good weekend. I'd like more like these, please. :)

Sagging ... ewwwww!

2006-03-07T17:55:00.000-05:00

The following post is of a detailed physical issue. If you're squeamish, pass this post up.

I loathe public restrooms and avoid them unless absolutely necessary. Unfortunately, I've found myself repeatedly needing to use the one at work as of late. And, because of a previous bad experience with sitting down on a seat in a public restroom, I haven't done so in years. Instead, I squat. (I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who does this.) So, my issue? Well, over the past couple of weeks, I've noticed when peeing from this position that it no longer comes out in a "neat" stream. Instead, it comes out all over the place and ends up splashing all over the toilet seat, the back of my legs and sometimes even on my pants. Not pleasant! I've considered calling my Dr. about it, but I figured if it's due to sagging skin "down there" there's probably not much that can be done, right? How in the heck do I have sagging skin there?! I know there's a possibility that's not it at all, so that's why I'm posting about it ... despite my embarrassment. What do you all think? Am I crazy?

Nighttime snacking quelled

2006-03-07T10:56:00.000-05:00

Well, for the most part at least. I've still allowed myself a snack at night every once in a while, but I believe I've broken the habit of having to munch on something every night. I'm also happy to report that I consistently exercised over the past week, and as a result of my efforts, I lost 4 lbs!! This fact is just amazing to me considering I'm just 7 days from being 9 months out! It's difficult for me to believe it's been almost 9 months, but I've obviously come a long way:

Starting weight: 274 lbs Today's weight: 159 lbs
Starting BMI: 44.9 Today's BMI: 26.1 (only 7 lbs from "normal"!)
Pounds lost: 115 Pounds to goal: 24
Starting shirt size: 3X/4X Today's shirt size: M/L
Starting pant size: 26/28 Today's pant size: 12/14

I even got so cocky this weekend that I toyed with the idea of trying on my high school prom gown. I don't remember what size it was (probably a 14 or so; although I remember thinking it was huge), but because my mom had it all wrapped up in plastic, I decided not to deal with it. But, I'm thinking it would have fit. Maybe one of these days I'll drag out my old prom pictures and have someone take a picture of me in it then post them here. That would be quite the sight ... me in my purple, sequined bodice, puffy-sleeved prom gown!