I'm a terrible blogger!

I guess I seem only to post when going through turmoil. Nonetheless, turmoil I have. Coursework for my masters is complete (yay), but my research and thesis aren't finished. I have until July 30th as the drop dead date in order to graduate in August. Though, I walked w/ the main university commencement this past Sunday. It wasn't as impactful as last year's, but I'm still glad I did it. Unfortunately, the day didn't go as I'd planned or expected. The man with whom I've spent the last 10 months of my life, the man who's brought me more joy than I even knew possible, the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with, ended our relationship just over a week before my graduation ceremony. The last two weeks for me, in ways, have been harder than when my ex-husband and I split up. How is that possible, you may wonder, when I was w/ my ex-husband for almost 14 years and only knew my boyfriend for just days under a year? Well, our relationship was as a relationship should be. He respected me and I him. We enjoyed every moment we had with each other and looked forward to it each day. My heart ached for him when we weren't together. I never thought to myself, ugh, he's so annoying. Yes, it was only a year, but the feelings never waned in that time. In fact, they only became stronger. So why did he end it? Well, as always, it's complicated. When isn't it, right? The short of it is that I can honestly say I'm not beating myself up about it. It is primarily his issues, but it doesn't change the fact that I love him and miss him dearly. We'd talked about getting married. I truly believe he and I belong together. Yes, through all this, some doubt and questioning have crept in, but reflecting upon all we've done together and said to each other and done for each other, I just can't believe this is happening. I just can't believe I found someone like him, when I wasn't expecting it at all, and that he loved me and treated me the way he did, and now, I'm having to grieve this kind of loss, again. When he came to talk to me, I had one second of fear that's what he was doing, but then I thought to myself, no, our relationship is too strong. Sooo, I'm doing my best to complete my research and thesis and look for a job and not end up living out of a box. Sorry to once again vent, but it is what it is. I hope anyone who still reads me is doing well!

Well, it's been quite a while ...

okay, a really long while, as in almost a year, since I last posted. So much has changed in my life since I began this blog and since I last posted. I wouldn't at all be surprised if no one ever reads this, but that's okay. I think I'm doing this more for myself, if I'm completely honest.

A very quick update: I'm in grad school still at Cornell but am studying horticulture instead of landscape architecture. Long story of how that came about, but I'm enjoying it and my research, though I miss the design aspect of landscape architecture. I will be finished with my required coursework this May and should then finish my research thesis-like thing by August, at which time I'll officially graduate.

The Keeshond, Beatrix, I mentioned in my last post has been a part of my life for almost a year. I'm so glad she's in my life (even if she does drive me a little batty sometimes).

Weight-wise, I'm not thrilled with where I'm at, but I'm pretty much ok with it. I seem to be able to maintain the weight I'm at (which puts me at a size 12 in pants) pretty easily, and for that, I am thankful. I don't ever want to get to where I was before bypass. Ultimately, though, I'd like to lose about 15 pounds, and then I'd be very happy with my weight. But, thus far, I guess it hasn't been important enough for me to put forth the effort it would require. :P

Also since I last posted, I got the cherry blossom tattoo finished and got two others, one on top of my foot and the other on my upper arm. To put it mildly, I am addicted. Although, I only have one more planned, and it's going to be a small black and gray acorn. Yeah, I seriously doubt I ever get a tattoo which doesn't somehow involve plants. :D

Now for probably what's led me to post today. I'm in love. I've been dating a man for 5 months and have known him for 7 months. He's an absolutely wonderful man, so very sweet and kind to me. And, while it's certainly not everything, we share so many things in common in our lives. I love and look forward to every minute we spend together. He loves Beatrix, and she loves him. He's now met all of my family, and they all like him very much. And, he fits right in with them. Sounds great, right? Well, it is! But, I think I'm sabotaging myself and the relationship. When things aren't as I expect them to be based upon past experiences with him, I start doubting, start wondering if what he's saying is true. I have absolutely no reason to distrust him, and deep down, I do trust him. But, these old doubts and fears, created during the last few years of my marriage, are creeping into my thoughts, and while I'm trying very hard not to let them be known to him, I know it's affecting me and my behavior. I've talked with my therapist at length on this issue, and she's pretty much told me I'm just going to have to learn to be able to sit with the feelings of uneasiness, on my own, or else they're going to become destructive to the relationship. I can't placate myself by telling myself it's all going to be ok, because doing so isn't teaching me how to handle uncertainty in my life. I know she's right, and I'm trying very hard to do so. But, days like today, I get overwhelmed by it and panic, and then it just all goes downhill. My thoughts of fear fly all over. The logical part of me knows I have to just be calm about it, but the irrational side can't be. It's just so frustrating.

A couple of new additions ...

I really like the ellipsis, don't I? I wonder how many of my blog post titles contain them? So, not surprisingly, school's already rather crazy. Essentially, I'm only taking 3 active classes. But, two of them, studio & site construction, are 5 credits each, so they take up a ton of time. I'm also taking an ecological management of water class, and then I have my "concentration" class which doesn't actually meet but just has the requirement of writing a paper to justify what my concentration is ... at least I think that's all I have to do for it. Oh, and I'm still not finished w/ the honors' thesis. :( I've spoken w/ my adviser, and he agrees it's best for me to keep up w/ this semester's work and plug away at it as I can.

Now, for the fun stuff! I got another tattoo. :D Yeah, I know I said I'd not be getting another one, but one day it just hit me that I wanted this in particular. It's a Japanese cherry blossom branch with Japanese Kanji that means new life. The Japanese cherry blossom traditionally represents the transience of life, so given my love of all things tree and the cherry blossom in particular, I thought it was all rather me. :) This pic was taken right before he bandaged it up, so it's a bit red and is darker than it will be. And, it's not finished; I have to go back later this month to get the color. But, I looooveeee it! It's exactly what I wanted! Amazingly, I had no issues w/ the blood pressure or sugar this time, so I actually sat for 2 hours 15 minutes w/out a break! I'm very proud of myself. This one's a pic I took myself and then edited in Photoshop. It shows the detail of what goes over my shoulder and onto the front. Yes, I think I may be addicted to ink. Oh, and would you believe HE's upset about it?! I don't know why, exactly. He just said he didn't want to talk about it when I asked if he'd seen it. I'm not going to worry about it, though. I did it for myself, I love it, and that's all that matters. :)

And, the second fun news is that I'm going to be adopting a rescue Keeshond! Her name is Beatrix, and she's 4 years old. Incredibly, she came from the same breeder as Koba, just many years later. Sadly, she tore a ligament in her back right knee on the day I was supposed to pick her up (outside NYC), so I don't have her yet. But, things are looking good for this weekend! yay! I'll post a pic of her once I bring her home.

I am utterly horrible at making blog posts these days ...

and it seems finishing my honors thesis as well as picking men with which to have fun. Overall, I'd say I had a relatively good winter break. I had a great time with my sister and her family, my parents, my brother and his family, and my grandfather over Christmas and New Years. My nieces got a Wii for Christmas, so many a days and nights were spent playing w/ it. I seemed to be quite good at the games which used the balance board, but by far, the snowboarding was my favorite.

New Year's Eve was a bit too eventful for my taste. I went to a friend's party and stupidly began drinking at 7pm. I'd say by 11:30pm I was completely gone. I have little to no recollection of midnight through 3am. Then, the hangover the next day was unbelievable! I've never felt so badly after drinking! The 25 year old guy I mentioned in my previous post was there, and apparently, I kissed him at midnight. Yeah, no recollection of it. Since that time, I've seen him one other time, and while I thought things had gone pretty well, it seems they've somehow changed, and now, despite telling him from the beginning that I had no desire for a long-term, serious relationship, he now tells me he's only interested in being friends. A guy that's not interested in just having fun? Really?!

And, the 38 year old guy, while still interesting, just isn't emotionally available. He's totally dedicated to his boys (he has 2 from his previous marriage) for which I thoroughly admire him, but that plus what I see as still some difficulty with how his ex-wife left him makes me believe he can't handle a romantic relationship with anyone.

Were either of these relationships something I thought had the possibility of turning into something serious? Not really. But, I was definitely enjoying the contact, the attention, and in the 25 year old's case, the affection. And, now, to basically lose those things from both, it's just hard. It makes me even lonelier. It's really not about missing my ex anymore; it's about missing the companionship, the affection, the feeling that comes with knowing someone desires you.

Thankfully, along with school starting back up (today was the first day back), I think I've found another way to help make me a little less lonely. I will be adopting a rescue Keeshond. It's all happened very quickly, but I know it's right. I've been looking for a rescue Keeshond since early last semester, and just last week, one came available. Her name is Beatrix, and she's 3 1/2 years old. I'll likely be picking her up this coming Sunday, and if we mesh (which I'm sure we will), I'll be bringing her home with me. I can't wait!

Oh, so the honors thesis. Well, I'd been given some extra time to finish it because of taking two studios last semester, so I was supposed to have it finished by the end of winter break. I'd been working on it throughout last semester, but winter break has come and gone. And, I hardly completed anything more over break. I just couldn't get myself to work on it. So, I've gotten an extension ... of one week. So, yeah, I should be working on it right now instead of posting to my blog. I'll say that I'll try to be better about posting throughout the semester, but I won't lie and say that I absolutely will post more b/c, as my track record shows, it's unlikely. I hope all are well! :)

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday!

I hope all who still read my blog enjoy whichever holiday you celebrate however you choose to do so! Hah, how's that for vagueness?! Seriously, though, the past almost 7 months have shown me how important it is to surround yourself w/ those whom you care for the most, and I so thoroughly look forward to spending time w/ my family, including my sister and her family, this year. I still amaze myself at how well I'm doing. I'm even kind of chatting up two different guys, one who's 38 and the other 25, at the same time! Whee! I'm so not ready for a serious relationship w/ anyone, and I've told them both this. So, I figure, why not?! Oh, and despite all the drama, I still did quite well this semester: 1 A+, 3 As, and 1 B. It's my first below 4.0 semester which, I know, I shouldn't be complaining about. And, I'm not really; I just wish I could have been able to maintain my 4.0+ cumulative GPA. Enjoy yourselves!