Two and one

Two years since gastric bypass and one year since my sweet Koba died. It's still difficult for me to fathom either. Although, both are certainly easier than they were originally. The memories of actually going through surgery are so distant, but I don't want to forget it. I hope it can serve as a reminder of what I went through to get to where I am now. I strangely wasn't too scared at the time (well, until I was about to be wheeled into surgery), but any thoughts of going through that serious of a surgery again scares me to death! Just the minor wrist surgery I had last fall put quite a scare into me.

We watched videos of Koba last night, the anniversary of his death, and when I saw myself I almost couldn't believe it. Who in the heck was that person? Was I really that big? I didn't bring it up with my husband, but there was a scene in the video where I was taking video of our house. I walked up a short flight of steps (maybe 8) and could hear myself breathing more heavily after just those few steps. I can't even imagine how I lived that way! I missed out on so much that I just couldn't physically do so I wouldn't even consider it. Just this past weekend, we walked about a mile to our local farmer's market, then walked about 2 miles to a downtown restaurant, and then walked home stopping at a creek along the way. Two years ago, walking would have been out of the question! Admittedly, I'm not in as good as shape as I was a year ago as I haven't been exercising as regularly as I had been (although I do want to get there again), but I'm still significantly better off than I'd been in years. It's just been such a gift.

I have decided, though, that I'll likely not mark the anniversary of my surgery again as I don't want to dwell on the past. I want to continue moving forward. I'll certainly never forget how I got here, but I think it could be a mistake, for me, to dwell too much in the past. I'll try to post here on a somewhat regular basis, but once I start school, who knows! I'm soooo looking forward to it, though!

I GOT IN!!!!

The title says it all! I finally learned today that I have been accepted into the Landscape Architecture program for the Fall! Woo-hoo! I can't tell you how happy I am about this news and what a huge relief it is to finally know. Now, I just have to get the financial details worked out ... fun!

To Grandma With Love

Grandma and Grandma & Mom
My grandmother was laid to rest this past Wednesday at a cemetery near her home. And, despite the absence of a close relationship with her, it was a very difficult day for me, but I was so glad I was able to go. It allowed me time to catch up with my uncle (whom I hadn't seen since I was about 15 or so) and my Grandfather as well as meet 2 of my grandmother's brothers and others who had been a part of her life for many years. She truly was suffering in the end, and knowing that she is now in a better place makes the loss easier. I do wish I'd been able to spend more time with them, both in my childhood and more recently. But, it is how it is, and I am grateful for what time we did have and the memories.

Her suffering has ended

My grandmother passed away Thursday, May 10th at approximately 10:30pm after a lengthy battle with ovarian cancer. Her last days (at least as I understand them) were filled with suffering, so this truly is for the better. But, this still makes me sad and brings back memories of losing my sweet Koba. Thankfully, my husband's given me his air miles so that I can go to her funeral on Wednesday. I will miss her, but I'm glad she will suffer no more.

I'm struggling in a lot of ways

I'm having a really difficult time with the fact that I still don't know whether or not I've gotten into my desired program. It's a much longer story, but I should know by now and don't. And, it's driving me crazy. Top that off with the facts that my grandmother's likely going to die any day now and someone who I thought was a really good friend has totally cut me off, I'm just really struggling. Work's not so good either; I made the mistake of telling my direct supervisor that I was hoping to go back to school. And, despite asking him not to tell anyone else, he did, our director, and she was all prepared to post my job even though I hadn't submitted my resignation. I'm so thankful I have my husband here to support me, but he's been really busy with work. And, last year taught me that I shouldn't fully depend upon him. I need to find strength within myself to get me through struggles too. Oh, and I'm finding myself dealing with stress by eating, and I'm really unhappy with that. I know just how much sugar I can ingest w/out getting sick, and I do. And, I'm still not exercising regularly. I keep telling myself I'll start again when ... but I never do. I've gained some weight back, not a lot, but it's enough that some of my clothes I was so happy about buying are a bit too snug to wear comfortably. And, that, too, makes me unhappy. I know the key is exercising and getting the snacking under control, but the stress doesn't make that too easy. I must do better, and I sure hope some of these stressors resolve themselves soon.