I continue on to the best of my ability

I'm a month into the semester, and things are going ok. I keep saying that, "I'm ok" b/c I can't lie and say I'm doing well when people ask. For the most part, I am ok. Well, now that I'm on meds. I totally lost it a few weeks ago when I found out he's already dating someone and that he had been for a few weeks by the time I confronted him w/ my suspicions. My thoughts were so out of control I was having panic attacks. I was doing things I normally wouldn't b/c I had no control over my thoughts. So, the meds have helped me be more even, more logical, more under control. But, then there are still days, like today, where I'm depressed, I'm sad, and I don't accomplish anything despite needing to do work which makes me feel even worse about myself. I'm doing my best to move on; I really am. I'm still in therapy every week, and I really am trying not to hold on to what's no longer there. I may still love him, but he doesn't love me anymore. I have fantastic friends who have been really, incredibly supportive, but I'm always afraid of being too dependent on any of them. I don't want to overburden any of them w/ my pain. I know, I know, that's what friends should be there for, but I can't lose them too. I can't handle that. It's hard enough trying to do all that I need to do, but I'm trying. I'm really trying.

Just no good at this single thing

So there's this guy that I think is maybe trying to ask me out, but I could be wrong. Maybe he's just being nice by trying to get me out of my apartment, I dunno. But, honestly, other than the fact that I'm lonely and am craving affection, I'm not interested in him. I want my husband's affection not someone else's. ARgh.

It radiates

I don't know that I've ever heard anyone describe what emotional pain feels like. So does that mean it's different for everyone? I really wonder. For me, when it's at its most acute, it's this sensation that radiates outward from my heart ... yes, my heart. So, is that my brain creating the feeling there b/c I've heard so many times that our hearts are where we feel things? Or is it something else? I really don't know. What I do know is that this hurts, like nothing I've ever felt before and something I hope to never feel again. People keep telling me I'm strong, that I'll get through this. Dammit, I don't want to get through this; I want this pain to be over. No, I'm not suggesting I'm going to do something to end the pain; I just want to move beyond the pain. But, nothing I seem to be doing is moving me toward it. I just keep on missing him. There it goes again ...

In print

I finally met with my lawyer today (long story), and as soon as I saw it in black and white, I broke down. She'd prepared a draft of the separation agreement (which I hadn't expected), so we ended up discussing the details of it and what she needed from me in order to get it to a point at which I could present it to him. On a daily basis, yes, I know this is happening, but when I saw it on paper, in legal form, it just really hit me in the face, this is really happening. She expects we'll be able to get the separation agreement signed and filed by the end of this month (pending any objections from him), so then, a year from that time, we could file for divorce. Me, divorced, yeah, still doesn't work for me. Ugh.

Moving on

Well, it's happened; I've moved out of our apartment. Unfortunately, I'm having a difficult time really letting go. He's out of town this weekend, so I'm planning to spend the next two nights at the old place. While I really like the new apartment, it seems weird to me. It's not home. And, the new bed's really going to be strange. It's one of the memory foam beds, and I'm really happy about that. But, it's not my bed, our bed ... you know, the one that has my body's impression molded into it, the one that I've shared with him for 10 years and never thought that would change. Oh, gosh, this is so hard.