I'm a terrible blogger!

I guess I seem only to post when going through turmoil. Nonetheless, turmoil I have. Coursework for my masters is complete (yay), but my research and thesis aren't finished. I have until July 30th as the drop dead date in order to graduate in August. Though, I walked w/ the main university commencement this past Sunday. It wasn't as impactful as last year's, but I'm still glad I did it. Unfortunately, the day didn't go as I'd planned or expected. The man with whom I've spent the last 10 months of my life, the man who's brought me more joy than I even knew possible, the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with, ended our relationship just over a week before my graduation ceremony. The last two weeks for me, in ways, have been harder than when my ex-husband and I split up. How is that possible, you may wonder, when I was w/ my ex-husband for almost 14 years and only knew my boyfriend for just days under a year? Well, our relationship was as a relationship should be. He respected me and I him. We enjoyed every moment we had with each other and looked forward to it each day. My heart ached for him when we weren't together. I never thought to myself, ugh, he's so annoying. Yes, it was only a year, but the feelings never waned in that time. In fact, they only became stronger. So why did he end it? Well, as always, it's complicated. When isn't it, right? The short of it is that I can honestly say I'm not beating myself up about it. It is primarily his issues, but it doesn't change the fact that I love him and miss him dearly. We'd talked about getting married. I truly believe he and I belong together. Yes, through all this, some doubt and questioning have crept in, but reflecting upon all we've done together and said to each other and done for each other, I just can't believe this is happening. I just can't believe I found someone like him, when I wasn't expecting it at all, and that he loved me and treated me the way he did, and now, I'm having to grieve this kind of loss, again. When he came to talk to me, I had one second of fear that's what he was doing, but then I thought to myself, no, our relationship is too strong. Sooo, I'm doing my best to complete my research and thesis and look for a job and not end up living out of a box. Sorry to once again vent, but it is what it is. I hope anyone who still reads me is doing well!

Well, it's been quite a while ...

okay, a really long while, as in almost a year, since I last posted. So much has changed in my life since I began this blog and since I last posted. I wouldn't at all be surprised if no one ever reads this, but that's okay. I think I'm doing this more for myself, if I'm completely honest.

A very quick update: I'm in grad school still at Cornell but am studying horticulture instead of landscape architecture. Long story of how that came about, but I'm enjoying it and my research, though I miss the design aspect of landscape architecture. I will be finished with my required coursework this May and should then finish my research thesis-like thing by August, at which time I'll officially graduate.

The Keeshond, Beatrix, I mentioned in my last post has been a part of my life for almost a year. I'm so glad she's in my life (even if she does drive me a little batty sometimes).

Weight-wise, I'm not thrilled with where I'm at, but I'm pretty much ok with it. I seem to be able to maintain the weight I'm at (which puts me at a size 12 in pants) pretty easily, and for that, I am thankful. I don't ever want to get to where I was before bypass. Ultimately, though, I'd like to lose about 15 pounds, and then I'd be very happy with my weight. But, thus far, I guess it hasn't been important enough for me to put forth the effort it would require. :P

Also since I last posted, I got the cherry blossom tattoo finished and got two others, one on top of my foot and the other on my upper arm. To put it mildly, I am addicted. Although, I only have one more planned, and it's going to be a small black and gray acorn. Yeah, I seriously doubt I ever get a tattoo which doesn't somehow involve plants. :D

Now for probably what's led me to post today. I'm in love. I've been dating a man for 5 months and have known him for 7 months. He's an absolutely wonderful man, so very sweet and kind to me. And, while it's certainly not everything, we share so many things in common in our lives. I love and look forward to every minute we spend together. He loves Beatrix, and she loves him. He's now met all of my family, and they all like him very much. And, he fits right in with them. Sounds great, right? Well, it is! But, I think I'm sabotaging myself and the relationship. When things aren't as I expect them to be based upon past experiences with him, I start doubting, start wondering if what he's saying is true. I have absolutely no reason to distrust him, and deep down, I do trust him. But, these old doubts and fears, created during the last few years of my marriage, are creeping into my thoughts, and while I'm trying very hard not to let them be known to him, I know it's affecting me and my behavior. I've talked with my therapist at length on this issue, and she's pretty much told me I'm just going to have to learn to be able to sit with the feelings of uneasiness, on my own, or else they're going to become destructive to the relationship. I can't placate myself by telling myself it's all going to be ok, because doing so isn't teaching me how to handle uncertainty in my life. I know she's right, and I'm trying very hard to do so. But, days like today, I get overwhelmed by it and panic, and then it just all goes downhill. My thoughts of fear fly all over. The logical part of me knows I have to just be calm about it, but the irrational side can't be. It's just so frustrating.