23 July 2008

The sadness that is losing your best friend

I still don't believe it. This can't really be happening, can it? How can someone who's been my best friend for so long decide to leave me? Every time I see him it hurts and it's especially difficult b/c it doesn't seem to be bothering him ... at least on the surface. We spent 8 hours together going through storage, and not once did he break down, look upset, show any emotion. I, on the other hand, basically yelled at him, cried, and so thoroughly wanted to touch him, to be touched by him. Do you know the scene in Steel Magnolias after Shelby's funeral when Sally Field screams, "Why! I just want to know WHY!!!"? Well, that's me.

15 July 2008

I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm bored ...

and my eating's out of control. I'm constantly thinking about what I can eat next. Damnit! I'm not going there again! And, I'm having such difficulty motivating myself to work. I make it to meetings and everything, but when it comes to work I'm supposed to be doing on my own, at home, it takes me forever to get around to doing it. ARgh.

13 July 2008

Rain in my heart

It's been raining off and on today, both outside and in. I've not been able to get myself to do anything but lay around and watch TV. I know it's a combination of things; a lack of sunlight always brings me down, and despite having a list of things I could do, I don't really have anything scheduled. So, why do them? And, I know he's off in NYC having a fantastic time and is probably spending time with this woman he insists is only a friend. Friend or not, I should be there with him; NOT HER! I just don't understand how he can throw away 13 years. Am I hurt by what he's doing, angry at him for thinking he can just erase me from his life, hell yes! But, it doesn't change the fact that I love him and still want to be with him.

This next week is going to be difficult. I've found an apartment, for which I am happy b/c it means I won't be living on the street, but I'm certainly not happy about having to do it. And, once I sign that year-long lease, there's no going back. Then, next Saturday we've planned to spend the whole day going through our very large storage unit of stuff together to separate our things. Everything I do lately just seems to be cementing the fact that we're no longer together, but every time I do talk to him, it just makes me understand why this is happening less and less. We get along w/ each other quite well, we have fun talking to each other, and I'm still very attracted to him. Not that I wish things to be otherwise b/c it would make trying to work out an agreement very difficult. But, I just don't understand.

I dreamt this morning that we were talking, and he told me he was having second thoughts. And, then we ended up having sex. Ok, I'll say it; why me? I'm a good person. No, I'm not perfect, but I've cared deeply for him for almost as long as I've known him. Oh, how I wish it would stop raining.

07 July 2008

The (long) road forward

Do I know for sure it's going to take a long time? No, but I think it's likely. My therapist and others tell me I'm doing very well. I've been working as much as I can, and I'm searching for an apartment and have been trying to figure out what I can do to help myself financially. It's just all taking a lot longer than I'd like, of course. So, that's all logistical stuff. Emotionally, I have my moments. If I keep myself busy, either with work, various tasks, or with friends, I do ok. It's those times when I'm not busy or when I have time to think of what I'm missing that are hard. The first time I realized I'd never kiss him again, never feel his touch again, the pain of loss really hit me full-on. It just feels so wrong to me, but I know I can't change it. And, then there are times like early this morning when I could have sworn he touched my arm to wake me, just as he had so many times before. Only when I woke up, I was the only one in the room. I guess I dreamt it, but it felt so real. Day to day, I think the hardest part is when things happen that reinforce he's no longer a part of my life, that he won't be a part of my life anymore. I miss him, his laugh, his companionship, being able to talk with him about things, daily things, goals, dreams. Yes, I have friends I can talk to, but it's not the same ...

Thank you to Jill, Amanda, and Jessica for your comments, thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming. :) There's still so much to be worked out in order for me to move forward.