13 July 2008

Rain in my heart

It's been raining off and on today, both outside and in. I've not been able to get myself to do anything but lay around and watch TV. I know it's a combination of things; a lack of sunlight always brings me down, and despite having a list of things I could do, I don't really have anything scheduled. So, why do them? And, I know he's off in NYC having a fantastic time and is probably spending time with this woman he insists is only a friend. Friend or not, I should be there with him; NOT HER! I just don't understand how he can throw away 13 years. Am I hurt by what he's doing, angry at him for thinking he can just erase me from his life, hell yes! But, it doesn't change the fact that I love him and still want to be with him.

This next week is going to be difficult. I've found an apartment, for which I am happy b/c it means I won't be living on the street, but I'm certainly not happy about having to do it. And, once I sign that year-long lease, there's no going back. Then, next Saturday we've planned to spend the whole day going through our very large storage unit of stuff together to separate our things. Everything I do lately just seems to be cementing the fact that we're no longer together, but every time I do talk to him, it just makes me understand why this is happening less and less. We get along w/ each other quite well, we have fun talking to each other, and I'm still very attracted to him. Not that I wish things to be otherwise b/c it would make trying to work out an agreement very difficult. But, I just don't understand.

I dreamt this morning that we were talking, and he told me he was having second thoughts. And, then we ended up having sex. Ok, I'll say it; why me? I'm a good person. No, I'm not perfect, but I've cared deeply for him for almost as long as I've known him. Oh, how I wish it would stop raining.

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