07 July 2008

The (long) road forward

Do I know for sure it's going to take a long time? No, but I think it's likely. My therapist and others tell me I'm doing very well. I've been working as much as I can, and I'm searching for an apartment and have been trying to figure out what I can do to help myself financially. It's just all taking a lot longer than I'd like, of course. So, that's all logistical stuff. Emotionally, I have my moments. If I keep myself busy, either with work, various tasks, or with friends, I do ok. It's those times when I'm not busy or when I have time to think of what I'm missing that are hard. The first time I realized I'd never kiss him again, never feel his touch again, the pain of loss really hit me full-on. It just feels so wrong to me, but I know I can't change it. And, then there are times like early this morning when I could have sworn he touched my arm to wake me, just as he had so many times before. Only when I woke up, I was the only one in the room. I guess I dreamt it, but it felt so real. Day to day, I think the hardest part is when things happen that reinforce he's no longer a part of my life, that he won't be a part of my life anymore. I miss him, his laugh, his companionship, being able to talk with him about things, daily things, goals, dreams. Yes, I have friends I can talk to, but it's not the same ...

Thank you to Jill, Amanda, and Jessica for your comments, thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming. :) There's still so much to be worked out in order for me to move forward.

3 comments:

Jill, Mommy of Tanner & soon to be Josie said...

Oh Jenn, I have been CONSTANTLY thinking about you but didn't want to be a pest in this difficul time.

I am happy to hear you keep moving forward but never doubt yourself if you have to take a few steps back.

I can't help but wonder if hubby is feeling like he isn't good enough for you though after the weight loss...this has been nagging me since your first seperation...men can be like that. :o)

Jenn said...

You could never be a pest, Jill! You live too far away to be a pest. ;) You're right, though, I probably will have set backs, but I can't beat myself up about them.

I really don't think that's it. It might make me feel a bit better if it were, but I really don't think that's it. I really don't think I'll ever fully understand it, though.

Jill, Mommy of Tanner & soon to be Josie said...

I just emailed you. :o)

There are certain things that we will never understand until way later in life...I have lived it and believe it with all my heart. You may not realize it tomorrow, in a year, in 5 years but in time, YOU WILL!

You deserve better...