What once was ...

I know I shouldn't be dwelling on the past, but I can't seem to help myself. Tomorrow's the 9th anniversary of our "big" wedding. And, that's what this pic is from. We both look really happy here. In looking for this pic, I looked at a bunch more that I shouldn't have. It makes me so sad to think of those times. Instead of being able to remember the happy times, it just reminds me of what I no longer have. How do I just forget these days? How do I get through my birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas w/out sadness? I just don't know.


I applied to graduate yesterday which temporarily made me very happy. I can't believe I'm already half way through this semester, and then there's only next semester left. But then I found out I can't just ask them to put my maiden name on my diploma. I have to have legally changed my name in order to get the university to change it all prior to them ordering diplomas in February in order to not have my married name on my diploma. And, even if I get my name changed in say, a year, I can't go back to the university and ask them to re-print my diploma w/ my maiden name b/c they'll only print it w/ what my name was while I was a student. So that leaves me w/ only one choice if I want my maiden name on it; I have to change it now which opens up a whole new can of worms. I then have to change my name on a million things not to mention the mental and emotional impact of it. Yes, life could be worse; I do understand this. But, I sincerely hope it doesn't get worse for me.