02 January 2010

Well, it's been quite a while ...

okay, a really long while, as in almost a year, since I last posted. So much has changed in my life since I began this blog and since I last posted. I wouldn't at all be surprised if no one ever reads this, but that's okay. I think I'm doing this more for myself, if I'm completely honest.

A very quick update: I'm in grad school still at Cornell but am studying horticulture instead of landscape architecture. Long story of how that came about, but I'm enjoying it and my research, though I miss the design aspect of landscape architecture. I will be finished with my required coursework this May and should then finish my research thesis-like thing by August, at which time I'll officially graduate.

The Keeshond, Beatrix, I mentioned in my last post has been a part of my life for almost a year. I'm so glad she's in my life (even if she does drive me a little batty sometimes).

Weight-wise, I'm not thrilled with where I'm at, but I'm pretty much ok with it. I seem to be able to maintain the weight I'm at (which puts me at a size 12 in pants) pretty easily, and for that, I am thankful. I don't ever want to get to where I was before bypass. Ultimately, though, I'd like to lose about 15 pounds, and then I'd be very happy with my weight. But, thus far, I guess it hasn't been important enough for me to put forth the effort it would require. :P

Also since I last posted, I got the cherry blossom tattoo finished and got two others, one on top of my foot and the other on my upper arm. To put it mildly, I am addicted. Although, I only have one more planned, and it's going to be a small black and gray acorn. Yeah, I seriously doubt I ever get a tattoo which doesn't somehow involve plants. :D

Now for probably what's led me to post today. I'm in love. I've been dating a man for 5 months and have known him for 7 months. He's an absolutely wonderful man, so very sweet and kind to me. And, while it's certainly not everything, we share so many things in common in our lives. I love and look forward to every minute we spend together. He loves Beatrix, and she loves him. He's now met all of my family, and they all like him very much. And, he fits right in with them. Sounds great, right? Well, it is! But, I think I'm sabotaging myself and the relationship. When things aren't as I expect them to be based upon past experiences with him, I start doubting, start wondering if what he's saying is true. I have absolutely no reason to distrust him, and deep down, I do trust him. But, these old doubts and fears, created during the last few years of my marriage, are creeping into my thoughts, and while I'm trying very hard not to let them be known to him, I know it's affecting me and my behavior. I've talked with my therapist at length on this issue, and she's pretty much told me I'm just going to have to learn to be able to sit with the feelings of uneasiness, on my own, or else they're going to become destructive to the relationship. I can't placate myself by telling myself it's all going to be ok, because doing so isn't teaching me how to handle uncertainty in my life. I know she's right, and I'm trying very hard to do so. But, days like today, I get overwhelmed by it and panic, and then it just all goes downhill. My thoughts of fear fly all over. The logical part of me knows I have to just be calm about it, but the irrational side can't be. It's just so frustrating.

4 comments:

Jill, Mommy of Tanner and Josie, our Clomid baby. :o) said...

OMG!!!! I am so excited to read an update!!!!! I had to laugh when you mentioned Cornell because I always think of Andy from The Office.

You look and sound SO HAPPY and I LOVE IT!

Jill, Mommy of Tanner and Josie, our Clomid baby. :o) said...

P.S. As for your fears, I heard someone say today that they are going to do something that scares them once each day...trust fate, I know it is scary and hard, but just let whatever is to be, be. :o)

Jenn said...

Thanks for your words of encouragement and advice, Jill! I think following it could be very good for me. :)

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amazing tatto!!!