It's finally complete!

I got my tattoo finished today ... yay! I sooo love it! It's exactly what I wanted. Classes for this semester are officially over, but I've got 2 final presentations for my 2 studios and a huge take home final to do in the next week and a half. Torture, but I'm still loving it!

Emotionally, I'm doing much better. I think I've actually begun to accept it all and am moving on. I've legally changed my last name already so that I can have it on my diploma. And, I've reconnected w/ a high school classmate (that I had a huge crush on) and am just enjoying the conversation with him. And, it doesn't hurt that he's still really hot. ;) My sister and her family are planning to come up here for Christmas, so that will make getting through the holiday much easier. And, I'm actually looking forward to it now whereas previously I was dreading it. I didn't know I had all this in me, but I'm really proud of myself. :)

a new addition

For the majority of my life, I've striven to be a bit on the unique side. When I was in elementary school, I started wearing ribbons in my hair, and when others started doing so, I stopped. I've always liked unique patterns and colors in my clothing, and for the past 2 years or so, I've tried to have a somewhat edgy haircut and highlights. And, lately, I've been looking for another way to express my individuality. So, what you see is the result. Yep, I got a tattoo on the underside of my wrist. :) My original plan was to get a light henna-colored tattoo to cover the three scars on top of my wrist from surgery, and this pic shows the stencil for that design. When he first began it, I didn't feel much pain, but as he progressed, it got a bit worse; although, I'd describe the feeling as something sharp being scratched across my wrist for the most part. At times, it would get a little worse, but it was by far no the worst pain I've felt in my life. Unfortunately, when I looked at what he had done (b/c I didn't watch while he was doing it), my blood pressure and sugar plummeted. I got incredibly light-headed, sweaty, and irrational. I think that when I saw the color and it was a bit darker than I was expecting, I got scared about having it on top of my wrist for the rest of my life. Or maybe the nervousness just built up and finally released when I actually saw it. I don't know. So, after recovering, I decided to listen to my body and not proceed. But now that I've had time to think about it, I'm reconsidering. I'm now trying to decide between adding a 3rd leaf to the top right line, finishing off the bottom right line w/ a small spiral w/ a small unfurling leaf at the end, and dots around the left-most swirl OR having just the left side of the original design done on top of my wrist to cover the scars and adding some dots above the left swirl. Any opinions?

What once was ...

I know I shouldn't be dwelling on the past, but I can't seem to help myself. Tomorrow's the 9th anniversary of our "big" wedding. And, that's what this pic is from. We both look really happy here. In looking for this pic, I looked at a bunch more that I shouldn't have. It makes me so sad to think of those times. Instead of being able to remember the happy times, it just reminds me of what I no longer have. How do I just forget these days? How do I get through my birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas w/out sadness? I just don't know.


I applied to graduate yesterday which temporarily made me very happy. I can't believe I'm already half way through this semester, and then there's only next semester left. But then I found out I can't just ask them to put my maiden name on my diploma. I have to have legally changed my name in order to get the university to change it all prior to them ordering diplomas in February in order to not have my married name on my diploma. And, even if I get my name changed in say, a year, I can't go back to the university and ask them to re-print my diploma w/ my maiden name b/c they'll only print it w/ what my name was while I was a student. So that leaves me w/ only one choice if I want my maiden name on it; I have to change it now which opens up a whole new can of worms. I then have to change my name on a million things not to mention the mental and emotional impact of it. Yes, life could be worse; I do understand this. But, I sincerely hope it doesn't get worse for me.

I continue on to the best of my ability

I'm a month into the semester, and things are going ok. I keep saying that, "I'm ok" b/c I can't lie and say I'm doing well when people ask. For the most part, I am ok. Well, now that I'm on meds. I totally lost it a few weeks ago when I found out he's already dating someone and that he had been for a few weeks by the time I confronted him w/ my suspicions. My thoughts were so out of control I was having panic attacks. I was doing things I normally wouldn't b/c I had no control over my thoughts. So, the meds have helped me be more even, more logical, more under control. But, then there are still days, like today, where I'm depressed, I'm sad, and I don't accomplish anything despite needing to do work which makes me feel even worse about myself. I'm doing my best to move on; I really am. I'm still in therapy every week, and I really am trying not to hold on to what's no longer there. I may still love him, but he doesn't love me anymore. I have fantastic friends who have been really, incredibly supportive, but I'm always afraid of being too dependent on any of them. I don't want to overburden any of them w/ my pain. I know, I know, that's what friends should be there for, but I can't lose them too. I can't handle that. It's hard enough trying to do all that I need to do, but I'm trying. I'm really trying.

Just no good at this single thing

So there's this guy that I think is maybe trying to ask me out, but I could be wrong. Maybe he's just being nice by trying to get me out of my apartment, I dunno. But, honestly, other than the fact that I'm lonely and am craving affection, I'm not interested in him. I want my husband's affection not someone else's. ARgh.