I'm a terrible blogger!

I guess I seem only to post when going through turmoil. Nonetheless, turmoil I have. Coursework for my masters is complete (yay), but my research and thesis aren't finished. I have until July 30th as the drop dead date in order to graduate in August. Though, I walked w/ the main university commencement this past Sunday. It wasn't as impactful as last year's, but I'm still glad I did it. Unfortunately, the day didn't go as I'd planned or expected. The man with whom I've spent the last 10 months of my life, the man who's brought me more joy than I even knew possible, the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with, ended our relationship just over a week before my graduation ceremony. The last two weeks for me, in ways, have been harder than when my ex-husband and I split up. How is that possible, you may wonder, when I was w/ my ex-husband for almost 14 years and only knew my boyfriend for just days under a year? Well, our relationship was as a relationship should be. He respected me and I him. We enjoyed every moment we had with each other and looked forward to it each day. My heart ached for him when we weren't together. I never thought to myself, ugh, he's so annoying. Yes, it was only a year, but the feelings never waned in that time. In fact, they only became stronger. So why did he end it? Well, as always, it's complicated. When isn't it, right? The short of it is that I can honestly say I'm not beating myself up about it. It is primarily his issues, but it doesn't change the fact that I love him and miss him dearly. We'd talked about getting married. I truly believe he and I belong together. Yes, through all this, some doubt and questioning have crept in, but reflecting upon all we've done together and said to each other and done for each other, I just can't believe this is happening. I just can't believe I found someone like him, when I wasn't expecting it at all, and that he loved me and treated me the way he did, and now, I'm having to grieve this kind of loss, again. When he came to talk to me, I had one second of fear that's what he was doing, but then I thought to myself, no, our relationship is too strong. Sooo, I'm doing my best to complete my research and thesis and look for a job and not end up living out of a box. Sorry to once again vent, but it is what it is. I hope anyone who still reads me is doing well!

Well, it's been quite a while ...

okay, a really long while, as in almost a year, since I last posted. So much has changed in my life since I began this blog and since I last posted. I wouldn't at all be surprised if no one ever reads this, but that's okay. I think I'm doing this more for myself, if I'm completely honest.

A very quick update: I'm in grad school still at Cornell but am studying horticulture instead of landscape architecture. Long story of how that came about, but I'm enjoying it and my research, though I miss the design aspect of landscape architecture. I will be finished with my required coursework this May and should then finish my research thesis-like thing by August, at which time I'll officially graduate.

The Keeshond, Beatrix, I mentioned in my last post has been a part of my life for almost a year. I'm so glad she's in my life (even if she does drive me a little batty sometimes).

Weight-wise, I'm not thrilled with where I'm at, but I'm pretty much ok with it. I seem to be able to maintain the weight I'm at (which puts me at a size 12 in pants) pretty easily, and for that, I am thankful. I don't ever want to get to where I was before bypass. Ultimately, though, I'd like to lose about 15 pounds, and then I'd be very happy with my weight. But, thus far, I guess it hasn't been important enough for me to put forth the effort it would require. :P

Also since I last posted, I got the cherry blossom tattoo finished and got two others, one on top of my foot and the other on my upper arm. To put it mildly, I am addicted. Although, I only have one more planned, and it's going to be a small black and gray acorn. Yeah, I seriously doubt I ever get a tattoo which doesn't somehow involve plants. :D

Now for probably what's led me to post today. I'm in love. I've been dating a man for 5 months and have known him for 7 months. He's an absolutely wonderful man, so very sweet and kind to me. And, while it's certainly not everything, we share so many things in common in our lives. I love and look forward to every minute we spend together. He loves Beatrix, and she loves him. He's now met all of my family, and they all like him very much. And, he fits right in with them. Sounds great, right? Well, it is! But, I think I'm sabotaging myself and the relationship. When things aren't as I expect them to be based upon past experiences with him, I start doubting, start wondering if what he's saying is true. I have absolutely no reason to distrust him, and deep down, I do trust him. But, these old doubts and fears, created during the last few years of my marriage, are creeping into my thoughts, and while I'm trying very hard not to let them be known to him, I know it's affecting me and my behavior. I've talked with my therapist at length on this issue, and she's pretty much told me I'm just going to have to learn to be able to sit with the feelings of uneasiness, on my own, or else they're going to become destructive to the relationship. I can't placate myself by telling myself it's all going to be ok, because doing so isn't teaching me how to handle uncertainty in my life. I know she's right, and I'm trying very hard to do so. But, days like today, I get overwhelmed by it and panic, and then it just all goes downhill. My thoughts of fear fly all over. The logical part of me knows I have to just be calm about it, but the irrational side can't be. It's just so frustrating.

A couple of new additions ...

I really like the ellipsis, don't I? I wonder how many of my blog post titles contain them? So, not surprisingly, school's already rather crazy. Essentially, I'm only taking 3 active classes. But, two of them, studio & site construction, are 5 credits each, so they take up a ton of time. I'm also taking an ecological management of water class, and then I have my "concentration" class which doesn't actually meet but just has the requirement of writing a paper to justify what my concentration is ... at least I think that's all I have to do for it. Oh, and I'm still not finished w/ the honors' thesis. :( I've spoken w/ my adviser, and he agrees it's best for me to keep up w/ this semester's work and plug away at it as I can.

Now, for the fun stuff! I got another tattoo. :D Yeah, I know I said I'd not be getting another one, but one day it just hit me that I wanted this in particular. It's a Japanese cherry blossom branch with Japanese Kanji that means new life. The Japanese cherry blossom traditionally represents the transience of life, so given my love of all things tree and the cherry blossom in particular, I thought it was all rather me. :) This pic was taken right before he bandaged it up, so it's a bit red and is darker than it will be. And, it's not finished; I have to go back later this month to get the color. But, I looooveeee it! It's exactly what I wanted! Amazingly, I had no issues w/ the blood pressure or sugar this time, so I actually sat for 2 hours 15 minutes w/out a break! I'm very proud of myself. This one's a pic I took myself and then edited in Photoshop. It shows the detail of what goes over my shoulder and onto the front. Yes, I think I may be addicted to ink. Oh, and would you believe HE's upset about it?! I don't know why, exactly. He just said he didn't want to talk about it when I asked if he'd seen it. I'm not going to worry about it, though. I did it for myself, I love it, and that's all that matters. :)

And, the second fun news is that I'm going to be adopting a rescue Keeshond! Her name is Beatrix, and she's 4 years old. Incredibly, she came from the same breeder as Koba, just many years later. Sadly, she tore a ligament in her back right knee on the day I was supposed to pick her up (outside NYC), so I don't have her yet. But, things are looking good for this weekend! yay! I'll post a pic of her once I bring her home.

I am utterly horrible at making blog posts these days ...

and it seems finishing my honors thesis as well as picking men with which to have fun. Overall, I'd say I had a relatively good winter break. I had a great time with my sister and her family, my parents, my brother and his family, and my grandfather over Christmas and New Years. My nieces got a Wii for Christmas, so many a days and nights were spent playing w/ it. I seemed to be quite good at the games which used the balance board, but by far, the snowboarding was my favorite.

New Year's Eve was a bit too eventful for my taste. I went to a friend's party and stupidly began drinking at 7pm. I'd say by 11:30pm I was completely gone. I have little to no recollection of midnight through 3am. Then, the hangover the next day was unbelievable! I've never felt so badly after drinking! The 25 year old guy I mentioned in my previous post was there, and apparently, I kissed him at midnight. Yeah, no recollection of it. Since that time, I've seen him one other time, and while I thought things had gone pretty well, it seems they've somehow changed, and now, despite telling him from the beginning that I had no desire for a long-term, serious relationship, he now tells me he's only interested in being friends. A guy that's not interested in just having fun? Really?!

And, the 38 year old guy, while still interesting, just isn't emotionally available. He's totally dedicated to his boys (he has 2 from his previous marriage) for which I thoroughly admire him, but that plus what I see as still some difficulty with how his ex-wife left him makes me believe he can't handle a romantic relationship with anyone.

Were either of these relationships something I thought had the possibility of turning into something serious? Not really. But, I was definitely enjoying the contact, the attention, and in the 25 year old's case, the affection. And, now, to basically lose those things from both, it's just hard. It makes me even lonelier. It's really not about missing my ex anymore; it's about missing the companionship, the affection, the feeling that comes with knowing someone desires you.

Thankfully, along with school starting back up (today was the first day back), I think I've found another way to help make me a little less lonely. I will be adopting a rescue Keeshond. It's all happened very quickly, but I know it's right. I've been looking for a rescue Keeshond since early last semester, and just last week, one came available. Her name is Beatrix, and she's 3 1/2 years old. I'll likely be picking her up this coming Sunday, and if we mesh (which I'm sure we will), I'll be bringing her home with me. I can't wait!

Oh, so the honors thesis. Well, I'd been given some extra time to finish it because of taking two studios last semester, so I was supposed to have it finished by the end of winter break. I'd been working on it throughout last semester, but winter break has come and gone. And, I hardly completed anything more over break. I just couldn't get myself to work on it. So, I've gotten an extension ... of one week. So, yeah, I should be working on it right now instead of posting to my blog. I'll say that I'll try to be better about posting throughout the semester, but I won't lie and say that I absolutely will post more b/c, as my track record shows, it's unlikely. I hope all are well! :)

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday!

I hope all who still read my blog enjoy whichever holiday you celebrate however you choose to do so! Hah, how's that for vagueness?! Seriously, though, the past almost 7 months have shown me how important it is to surround yourself w/ those whom you care for the most, and I so thoroughly look forward to spending time w/ my family, including my sister and her family, this year. I still amaze myself at how well I'm doing. I'm even kind of chatting up two different guys, one who's 38 and the other 25, at the same time! Whee! I'm so not ready for a serious relationship w/ anyone, and I've told them both this. So, I figure, why not?! Oh, and despite all the drama, I still did quite well this semester: 1 A+, 3 As, and 1 B. It's my first below 4.0 semester which, I know, I shouldn't be complaining about. And, I'm not really; I just wish I could have been able to maintain my 4.0+ cumulative GPA. Enjoy yourselves!

It's finally complete!

I got my tattoo finished today ... yay! I sooo love it! It's exactly what I wanted. Classes for this semester are officially over, but I've got 2 final presentations for my 2 studios and a huge take home final to do in the next week and a half. Torture, but I'm still loving it!

Emotionally, I'm doing much better. I think I've actually begun to accept it all and am moving on. I've legally changed my last name already so that I can have it on my diploma. And, I've reconnected w/ a high school classmate (that I had a huge crush on) and am just enjoying the conversation with him. And, it doesn't hurt that he's still really hot. ;) My sister and her family are planning to come up here for Christmas, so that will make getting through the holiday much easier. And, I'm actually looking forward to it now whereas previously I was dreading it. I didn't know I had all this in me, but I'm really proud of myself. :)

a new addition

For the majority of my life, I've striven to be a bit on the unique side. When I was in elementary school, I started wearing ribbons in my hair, and when others started doing so, I stopped. I've always liked unique patterns and colors in my clothing, and for the past 2 years or so, I've tried to have a somewhat edgy haircut and highlights. And, lately, I've been looking for another way to express my individuality. So, what you see is the result. Yep, I got a tattoo on the underside of my wrist. :) My original plan was to get a light henna-colored tattoo to cover the three scars on top of my wrist from surgery, and this pic shows the stencil for that design. When he first began it, I didn't feel much pain, but as he progressed, it got a bit worse; although, I'd describe the feeling as something sharp being scratched across my wrist for the most part. At times, it would get a little worse, but it was by far no the worst pain I've felt in my life. Unfortunately, when I looked at what he had done (b/c I didn't watch while he was doing it), my blood pressure and sugar plummeted. I got incredibly light-headed, sweaty, and irrational. I think that when I saw the color and it was a bit darker than I was expecting, I got scared about having it on top of my wrist for the rest of my life. Or maybe the nervousness just built up and finally released when I actually saw it. I don't know. So, after recovering, I decided to listen to my body and not proceed. But now that I've had time to think about it, I'm reconsidering. I'm now trying to decide between adding a 3rd leaf to the top right line, finishing off the bottom right line w/ a small spiral w/ a small unfurling leaf at the end, and dots around the left-most swirl OR having just the left side of the original design done on top of my wrist to cover the scars and adding some dots above the left swirl. Any opinions?

What once was ...

I know I shouldn't be dwelling on the past, but I can't seem to help myself. Tomorrow's the 9th anniversary of our "big" wedding. And, that's what this pic is from. We both look really happy here. In looking for this pic, I looked at a bunch more that I shouldn't have. It makes me so sad to think of those times. Instead of being able to remember the happy times, it just reminds me of what I no longer have. How do I just forget these days? How do I get through my birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas w/out sadness? I just don't know.


I applied to graduate yesterday which temporarily made me very happy. I can't believe I'm already half way through this semester, and then there's only next semester left. But then I found out I can't just ask them to put my maiden name on my diploma. I have to have legally changed my name in order to get the university to change it all prior to them ordering diplomas in February in order to not have my married name on my diploma. And, even if I get my name changed in say, a year, I can't go back to the university and ask them to re-print my diploma w/ my maiden name b/c they'll only print it w/ what my name was while I was a student. So that leaves me w/ only one choice if I want my maiden name on it; I have to change it now which opens up a whole new can of worms. I then have to change my name on a million things not to mention the mental and emotional impact of it. Yes, life could be worse; I do understand this. But, I sincerely hope it doesn't get worse for me.

I continue on to the best of my ability

I'm a month into the semester, and things are going ok. I keep saying that, "I'm ok" b/c I can't lie and say I'm doing well when people ask. For the most part, I am ok. Well, now that I'm on meds. I totally lost it a few weeks ago when I found out he's already dating someone and that he had been for a few weeks by the time I confronted him w/ my suspicions. My thoughts were so out of control I was having panic attacks. I was doing things I normally wouldn't b/c I had no control over my thoughts. So, the meds have helped me be more even, more logical, more under control. But, then there are still days, like today, where I'm depressed, I'm sad, and I don't accomplish anything despite needing to do work which makes me feel even worse about myself. I'm doing my best to move on; I really am. I'm still in therapy every week, and I really am trying not to hold on to what's no longer there. I may still love him, but he doesn't love me anymore. I have fantastic friends who have been really, incredibly supportive, but I'm always afraid of being too dependent on any of them. I don't want to overburden any of them w/ my pain. I know, I know, that's what friends should be there for, but I can't lose them too. I can't handle that. It's hard enough trying to do all that I need to do, but I'm trying. I'm really trying.

Just no good at this single thing

So there's this guy that I think is maybe trying to ask me out, but I could be wrong. Maybe he's just being nice by trying to get me out of my apartment, I dunno. But, honestly, other than the fact that I'm lonely and am craving affection, I'm not interested in him. I want my husband's affection not someone else's. ARgh.

It radiates

I don't know that I've ever heard anyone describe what emotional pain feels like. So does that mean it's different for everyone? I really wonder. For me, when it's at its most acute, it's this sensation that radiates outward from my heart ... yes, my heart. So, is that my brain creating the feeling there b/c I've heard so many times that our hearts are where we feel things? Or is it something else? I really don't know. What I do know is that this hurts, like nothing I've ever felt before and something I hope to never feel again. People keep telling me I'm strong, that I'll get through this. Dammit, I don't want to get through this; I want this pain to be over. No, I'm not suggesting I'm going to do something to end the pain; I just want to move beyond the pain. But, nothing I seem to be doing is moving me toward it. I just keep on missing him. There it goes again ...

In print

I finally met with my lawyer today (long story), and as soon as I saw it in black and white, I broke down. She'd prepared a draft of the separation agreement (which I hadn't expected), so we ended up discussing the details of it and what she needed from me in order to get it to a point at which I could present it to him. On a daily basis, yes, I know this is happening, but when I saw it on paper, in legal form, it just really hit me in the face, this is really happening. She expects we'll be able to get the separation agreement signed and filed by the end of this month (pending any objections from him), so then, a year from that time, we could file for divorce. Me, divorced, yeah, still doesn't work for me. Ugh.

Moving on

Well, it's happened; I've moved out of our apartment. Unfortunately, I'm having a difficult time really letting go. He's out of town this weekend, so I'm planning to spend the next two nights at the old place. While I really like the new apartment, it seems weird to me. It's not home. And, the new bed's really going to be strange. It's one of the memory foam beds, and I'm really happy about that. But, it's not my bed, our bed ... you know, the one that has my body's impression molded into it, the one that I've shared with him for 10 years and never thought that would change. Oh, gosh, this is so hard.

The sadness that is losing your best friend

I still don't believe it. This can't really be happening, can it? How can someone who's been my best friend for so long decide to leave me? Every time I see him it hurts and it's especially difficult b/c it doesn't seem to be bothering him ... at least on the surface. We spent 8 hours together going through storage, and not once did he break down, look upset, show any emotion. I, on the other hand, basically yelled at him, cried, and so thoroughly wanted to touch him, to be touched by him. Do you know the scene in Steel Magnolias after Shelby's funeral when Sally Field screams, "Why! I just want to know WHY!!!"? Well, that's me.

I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm bored ...

and my eating's out of control. I'm constantly thinking about what I can eat next. Damnit! I'm not going there again! And, I'm having such difficulty motivating myself to work. I make it to meetings and everything, but when it comes to work I'm supposed to be doing on my own, at home, it takes me forever to get around to doing it. ARgh.

Rain in my heart

It's been raining off and on today, both outside and in. I've not been able to get myself to do anything but lay around and watch TV. I know it's a combination of things; a lack of sunlight always brings me down, and despite having a list of things I could do, I don't really have anything scheduled. So, why do them? And, I know he's off in NYC having a fantastic time and is probably spending time with this woman he insists is only a friend. Friend or not, I should be there with him; NOT HER! I just don't understand how he can throw away 13 years. Am I hurt by what he's doing, angry at him for thinking he can just erase me from his life, hell yes! But, it doesn't change the fact that I love him and still want to be with him.

This next week is going to be difficult. I've found an apartment, for which I am happy b/c it means I won't be living on the street, but I'm certainly not happy about having to do it. And, once I sign that year-long lease, there's no going back. Then, next Saturday we've planned to spend the whole day going through our very large storage unit of stuff together to separate our things. Everything I do lately just seems to be cementing the fact that we're no longer together, but every time I do talk to him, it just makes me understand why this is happening less and less. We get along w/ each other quite well, we have fun talking to each other, and I'm still very attracted to him. Not that I wish things to be otherwise b/c it would make trying to work out an agreement very difficult. But, I just don't understand.

I dreamt this morning that we were talking, and he told me he was having second thoughts. And, then we ended up having sex. Ok, I'll say it; why me? I'm a good person. No, I'm not perfect, but I've cared deeply for him for almost as long as I've known him. Oh, how I wish it would stop raining.

The (long) road forward

Do I know for sure it's going to take a long time? No, but I think it's likely. My therapist and others tell me I'm doing very well. I've been working as much as I can, and I'm searching for an apartment and have been trying to figure out what I can do to help myself financially. It's just all taking a lot longer than I'd like, of course. So, that's all logistical stuff. Emotionally, I have my moments. If I keep myself busy, either with work, various tasks, or with friends, I do ok. It's those times when I'm not busy or when I have time to think of what I'm missing that are hard. The first time I realized I'd never kiss him again, never feel his touch again, the pain of loss really hit me full-on. It just feels so wrong to me, but I know I can't change it. And, then there are times like early this morning when I could have sworn he touched my arm to wake me, just as he had so many times before. Only when I woke up, I was the only one in the room. I guess I dreamt it, but it felt so real. Day to day, I think the hardest part is when things happen that reinforce he's no longer a part of my life, that he won't be a part of my life anymore. I miss him, his laugh, his companionship, being able to talk with him about things, daily things, goals, dreams. Yes, I have friends I can talk to, but it's not the same ...

Thank you to Jill, Amanda, and Jessica for your comments, thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming. :) There's still so much to be worked out in order for me to move forward.

And so it goes ...

My marriage is over. It pains me to type that, but I have to. I am choosing to move on because I know I have so much left for me in my life. He moved out this past Saturday. I came home from work to find him and all of his things gone ... again. No, it wasn't as much of a shock as the last time he left, but it was a considerable shock nonetheless. So much so that my parents drove an hour here and hour back to pick me up and take me to their house because I couldn't be alone and I couldn't drive myself. Yes, we'd been having problems, no things weren't perfect, but I didn't think, I still don't think, it meant we shouldn't be together. But, my husband thinks differently, and so he's gone.

So, now I'm looking for a new apartment, am working with a lawyer and a therapist, am trying to figure out the best way to stay in school, and am trying to continue working for a local waterfront trail group all while trying to deal with this deep pain. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I need all the help I can get.

Why is it ... ?

that when you finally get some parts of life in order others fall apart? You wouldn't know it from the above pic, huh? This was taken at a end of the semester party at a professor's house with some of my favorite classmates. They really do make me happy.

I'm just about to wrap up my 2nd semester back in school, and I've absolutely loved it. It's not been an easy road, but loving the work and having fantastic classmates have made it much easier than it would have been otherwise. It's difficult for me to believe I'm now half way through, though. This year has completely flown by. And, it's scary to think about the prospect of finding a job in this economy when, despite my best efforts, I've been unable to secure an internship in the field for this summer.

Unfortunately, with success seems to have come some lack of success too. Things have gotten worse between my husband and me. In my efforts to focus on school, I've let most other things go, and while school is very important, it's not the only thing in my life. And I know I need to be able to balance, even if not entirely evenly, all aspects of my life. I don't fear losing him in the same way I did before because I know I can do things on my own. But, I don't want to see our marriage fall apart nonetheless. We have so much together, he's such a big part of my life, and my life just wouldn't be the same without him.

Yeah, I'm still here ... for the most part.

As if anyone's still out there reading b/c it's been soooo damned long since I've posted, but anyhoo, w/out writing a book, I'll try to update ya'll. Last semester did end up being a really good one, academically that is, a 4.08. And, over winter break, I went to Hawai'i w/ my husband which was just phenomenal. Since getting back, it's just been non-stop. I'm taking six classes (as opposed to just 4 last semester), and things don't seem to be going quite as well as they did last semester. Not horrible, mind you, but not up to my standards.

One thing I didn't do so well last semester (ok, I did horribly actually) was manage my money, and the result of that is my husband not being too happy with me. And, I totally don't blame him. He's doing so much for me by paying for my living expenses while I'm in school, and I was disrespectful to him by not doing my best to save as much as I could, or rather, not spend so much. I basically lived as though I was still working full time, so by the end of November, I had just about nothing left. I hate money.

Weight wise, I'm still at about the same weight, and I'm still not exercising regularly. I am walking all over the place, but it's not the same. I'm trying to do better by not buying anything sweet b/c that seemed to be a weakness. I'd figured out what my sugar limit was and would wait just enough time and then eat more. Not good! Although, I do still find myself craving sweet stuff at night. Grrr.

That's about it for now. I've got to finish a site engineering project. And, I'll try not to wait almost 3 months before posting again. ;)