08 January 2006

A good time was had by all ...

at least I had a good time. I've (happily) managed to see my husband every day over the past 3 days. On Friday, we went out to dinner at my asking. We went to Chilis as I felt it would be noisy enough that we wouldn't feel uncomfortable actually talking but not so noisy that we wouldn't be able to talk. After dinner, we decided to go back to his office to look up online what movies were playing (as neither of us wanted the night to end). We couldn't find anything playing that either of us was really interested in, so we ended up hanging out in his office for a while until we both decided we were too tired and needed to go home. We agreed to get together again on Sunday for coffee/tea.

Then, yesterday, I got an email from him because he'd seen that I had logged into our mail server, and he wanted to tell me that he'd picked up a new cable modem and that I could have the one that we used at our house. (I've been w/out internet access at home since he left; somewhat of a luxury, I know but tough to live w/out when you've had it for so long!) Thankfully, I've convinced work to pay for it, so I'm not adding any other monthly expenses to my list. Anyways, during the 2 hour drive home from where I was when he emailed me, I decided to ask him if he wanted to go to a local sports bar to watch the football game he'd been watching, get dinner and give me an opportunity to pick up the cable modem. He happily agreed, and again, we both had a good time. We talked a lot (with me doing most of the talking) as I'd come to the realization while driving earlier in the day that I'd been living my life as though I wasn't allowed to control it. I just took things as they came and thought that I was a strong person because of it. But, what I've realized is that I wasn't being strong at all; I was just taking the easy way out (for me at least). So, now, what I have to do is take control of my life and do what _I_ want. (Although, I do have a hope that I'll be able to do what I want beside him.)

Today, I decided to ask him if he'd like to go to a local bird conservatory that neither of us had ever been to before. We didn't spend a lot of time there, and it wasn't very conducive to talking. But, I think that the time we spent together was valuable. After doing a little bird watching from inside, reading the few exhibits and watching a short program, we decided to take a short walk on one of the trails. Despite being a little bit of a warmer day, the trails were still snowy with a nice layer of ice underneath. So, there were a number of occasions where he slipped b/c he wasn't wearing the best shoes for the snow/ice. (Usually, I'm the less sure-footed one slipping all over the place.) At some point on the trail, I decided to take his hand (not for extra walking support but so as to be closer to him) but had visions of letting go of it as soon as I felt him falling (if that happened). But, when the time came, instead of letting go, I instinctually held on tighter even though I knew if he fell I would have gone with him. I guess it sort of sums up how I feel about our marriage now; while I've accepted his need to be apart from me for now, I'm just not ready to let go yet. I know we've got it in us to work this out.

6 comments:

Holly said...

i'm glad you posted this. i think you're doing a great job. your times together sound wonderful.

Melissa said...

Jenn it is quite apparent that your hubby is trying to make things work or he would not make the effort he has to be spend time with you. You two must have some nice memories that are helping you both to mend. Put things in God's hands, we don't know what is in store for us in the future, but trust him and he will reveal what is to be. Not only talk Jenn, listen too. It is important that you hear what is in your hubby heart too. Share your dreams for the future. Thank him for the good memories, the good times. Tell him how he hurt you when the time is right. Compromise. Tell him what you are wiling to change and what he may have to change to make things work. Take this time apart to reflect. Pray.
My prayers are with you.

Kaye Bailey said...

Hi Jenn - You are a picture of strength and beauty. I appreciate you sharing the events and your personal reflection. I'm wishing you the very best.

Kaye

Sandi said...

Good analogy about the slippery walk and your urge to support--your reluctance to let go. Lots of wisdom packed in there. Also liked the realization that you need to figure out what exactly you want to do with life, and not just go along. That's a biggie.

No matter the outcome, you've sure made some important discoveries...

The Catapillar said...

Thanks for posting this. It is good to see the two of you spending some good time together. You are in my prayers that God reveal his will to you soon.

Be Blessed

Jenn said...

Thank you all very much for your words of encouragement and kindness! It means so very much to me right now.

Jenn