29 December 2005

Feelings of largeness (to put it mildly)

I suspect it's due to not being able to weigh myself for almost 2 weeks now coupled with the feelings of guilt over the poor food choices I've been making lately, but regardless of why, I've been feeling rather fat lately. I _know_ I'm no where near where I was, but I'm still not feeling so hot about myself. So, in an attempt to help quell this feeling, I asked my sister to take a picture of me with my nieces that I could compare it to a picture I found the other night while browsing digital albums I've uploaded over the past few years. The result is the photo you see here. The one on the left was taken at Jordan Winery the last time my husband and I visited California in March of 2005.

Some of the most glaring differences to me are just the breadth of my chest, the chubbiness of my cheeks, the fact that you can see my collar bone in today's picture and well, my hair looks a lot better. Oh, and why in the hell didn't anyone tell me those capris looked so horrible?! I mean, they're tapered, so all they do is successfully accentuate the widest part of my body. How could I have possibly thought they looked good?!

Unfortunately, I also think I look happier in the picture from March. I haven't felt particularly unhappy or sad today, but I just don't think I look as happy ... despite being thrilled to be with my girls. Maybe it's because I think I'm coming down with something, but I know it's more likely due to my marriage issues. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but how can I not, right? I'm trying to do things to keep myself busy, and I've been reading a lot. But, my mind keeps returning to those thoughts of missing him at almost every turn as well as what I can do in the future to make our marriage better. And, while I'm still not sleeping soundly and I really dread returning to my empty (and very messy) house, it will be nice to return to somewhat of a routine and my sweet doggie.


jenn said...

Wow - you are skinny girl! You look so like a 'normal' person that the before pic is almost comical~like I can't even imagine you looking that way. Seriously.

Ok, and I'm calling it like I see it - you are gorgeous!! Look at how pretty you are?!!? I mean it. As for looking happier, eh, I think you look happy in both - just in different ways. Believe me, people tell me how great I look all of the time...but being all of 2+ months post-divorce, I'm not always feeling so great. I take the compliment though; it helps, you know?

You look amazing. Just say it over and over.


Sandi said...

Jenn, You really are a very pretty woman and I agree, even though I see it with my own eyes, I just can't believe it's you in both of these photos. Your new body just seems to make so much more sense with your head...

You're going through so much right now, it must be hard to see yourself outside of your own head and issues. Smart to have your photo done, smart to hang on to what is real right now. Be gentle with yourself and realize that you are beautiful.

Jenn said...

Jenn & Sandi - Thank you very, very much for your kind comments and words of encouragment. I realized today I've been rather needy lately, and I don't mean to be. But, I thoroughly appreciate what you've both said! It truly helps!!


Holly said...

your new picture is beautiful!
it's okay to be needy sometimes. we all are. it's stronger and better to be able to ask for it than to suffer in silence.

some of the outfits i've worn over the years... i wish someone would have told me as well. i've always loved LOVED overalls, but for large busted apple shaped women overalls are a HORRIFIC fashion choice. but no one told me. i had to find that sad fact out myself.

try to take the alone time you have to do some nice things for yourself. paint your toenails in bed. watch auntie mame


Melissa said...

Jenn your picture with your nieces is absolutely beautiful. Your are gorgeous. You was a beautiful big woman too. You are even more stunning now.


Jenn said...

Thank you, Holly & Melissa!! I appreciate each and every compliment I receive; I hate it, but I need them. :)